Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Q: I read today about LoadPod, which is a service that will rip all your CDs and put them on your iPod. It takes them five days and they charge you $1.50 per CD. My question is, what kind of incredible fat ass do you have to be too lazy to pop a CD in your computer and click a button?

A: Oh, see, you’re looking at it all wrong. It’s about opportunity cost. Sure, you could do it yourself, but wouldn’t you rather be doing other things? Your time is important!

Q: What?! No it isn’t! Besides, haven’t these idiots heard of this new operating system feature called multitasking? You can do something else!

A: No, no, no! I mean something else away from the computer!

Q: Away from the computer?! Are you crazy! What the hell would I do away from the computer?! Anyway, you can still walk away while the CD is ripping! Hello?! Is it me? It’s not me, right?

A: OK, but can’t you see how this would appeal to people who have a whole mess of money?

Q: Yes. OK. Sure. I see how this could be a service that would be appreciated by people who have a lot of money. And also happen to have big, fat asses. So, if I may attempt to describe the target market here, I’d say it would be big, rich, lazy fat asses who lie around in a tub of melted butter being fed bon bons by attractive young women dressed up as Catholic school girls. It’s an interesting market niche. I would have liked to see their business plan.

A: You’re just not gonna let this go, are you?

Q: I see that Apple and W hotels are in a deal to promote iTunes. That’s all well and good for people who can afford to stay in such snooty places, but what about us average Joes? Isn’t Apple supposed to be the company for the rest of us? What about the guy who stays at the Comfort Inn? The Super 8? The Shilo Inn?

A: Yeah! The Howard Johnson’s! The Days Inn!

Q: The Holiday Inn!

A: The Lewis Valley Motor Lodge!

Q: The Cumfy Rest!

A: You made that one up.

Q: The methadone clinic on 12th and Latona!

A: Huh?

Q: Under the bridge down by where people throw their old sofas off the overpass!

A: Uh…

Q: A wet cardboard box in the middle of the freeway!

A: I’m… not…

Q: Lying naked and drunk in the dumpster behind McMurdo Station!

A: That’s… that’s in Antartica…


Q: This is all very disturbing. The Mac has always had a high-end reputation, but these kinds of upper-crust associations can only hurt its broader appeal. I think Apple needs to counter with a campaign aimed at the lower end of the market.

A: Well, what about the Pepsi/iTunes promotion?

Q: No. I’m talking lower than that.

A: Um, RC Cola?

Q: Lo-wer.

A: Generic?

Q: Mmm. No. Still too high. What’s that cola that just gives you the syrup and you let it interact with your own spit?

A: Um… I don’t think there really is a cola like that. At any rate, that kind of association doesn’t seem good for Apple. I think they’re better off with a quality image, don’t you?

Q: Hmm. Well… couldn’t they at least spell quality with a “k”?

A: You mean… like… “Apple makes… kwality computers?”

Q: Well, yes. Or… and I’m just dream sheeting here… “Apple makes kwality komputers.” Mmm?

A: Uh, yeah. I think you should leave now.

Q: Ohhh…