Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Q: I have a bronze keyboard PowerBook that I’ve since upgraded with a processor card. I’ve also added a third-party 802.11 card for wireless Internet access. My question is, where can I find hot Llamish action?

A: Did you say…

Q: Llamish porn. You know. Amish chicks with llamas.

A: No. No, I don’t know. I don’t “do” the whole animal thing, you know? I don’t “get” people who do. I’m not “down with” that. So, can’t really help you there, but I do know a good site for Lamish porn, with one “L”.

Q: And… I’m guessing that would be Amish chicks with Tibetan lamas?

A: You ain’t wrong, brother. Mmm-hmm.

Q: I see. Well, that’s not really what I was after, but I’ll take what I can get to satisfy my Amish chick jones.

A: Any porn in a storm, huh? Ha-ha!

Q: ..

A: Ha! Ha-ha! Aaaaahhhhh… Yes. Well.

Q: I’ve been watching a lot of the basketball finals and I have a question about that Black Eyed Peas song they keep playing. Is there a verse in there about Steve Jobs?

A: In Let’s Get It Started? Uh… I don’t think so…

Q: Yeah. Don’t they say “Bob your head like me, Apple’s Stev-ie, would you like see an iPod that’s also a TV?”

A: No. No. That goes “Bob your head like me, Apl D. Up inside the club or in your Bently.”

Q: Oh. So… no secret message about an upcoming iPod that’s also a TV?

A: ‘Fraid not.

Q: That’d be pretty cool, though, wouldn’t it?

A: ..

Q: Little color screen. Tiny little nobs or something… aerial… er…

A: ..

Q: OK, maybe not.

A: You know, you could just buy one of those little portable TVs.

Q: Um… that’s OK. I don’t… actually have any money anyway.

Q: I see that the latest edition of Fix A Troubled Mac is out. I’m considering purchasing it, but I’m concerned that some Macs might be too troubled for fixing.

A: Hmm. Please provide a ridiculous example.

Q: OK. Well, let’s say a Power Mac that experimented with drugs and then took to beating up smaller Macs and taking their lunch money to pay for the habit.

A: Ah, yes.

Q: Or, an iBook that has severe self-esteem issues, runs off to New York in an act of rebellion, and spends the rest of its short life as an “exotic” dancer in smokey, smelly clubs where its groped by drunk bond traders that stuff dollar bills into its optical drive.

A: Hmm. That is indeed a troubled Mac.

Q: Yes. You see where I’m going with this.

A: I do. But I think Fix A Troubled Mac is more designed to take care of technical problems, not emotional, personal growth or life problems. Perhaps you should consult a professional computer therapist, or your clergyman.

Q: Well… I was also just thinking of adding more RAM.

A: Oh, yeah. I’d try that first. That usually helps with most anything.

35 thoughts on “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.”

  1. No go on, be a good Apple Fan and support CARS……support the Mega Post…..theres a party going on right now and you’re invited…no really…..go on….

    can you bring a bottle of beer or something, and maybe some cheez whizz we’re running low, or maybe some pretzels or something…..

    remember to step over the lesbian midgets too, they get mad when you step on em!

    see ya there!!

  2. so close, and yet so far!!! *sighs*

    oh well….you can have first post on Monday Stansbury!!!

  3. Hey! Someone forgot to turn off italics! There’s a “/” at the end of that italics tag, y’know!

  4. Out here in Ohio, we have quite a few Amish people and, I suspect, a fair number of llamas. But I have never heard of llamish porn until now. Or perhaps I should say “herd.” Thanks for keeping us out here in Ohio on the cutting edge, CARS!

  5. The Mega Posters never sleep!

    We need no sleep!

    we just…..errr….post!



    and hey….arnt you a little grumpy today Mr Moltzy??!??!

    Does someone need a hug????

    I have a lesbian midget who can provide you with one…..

    and maybe a nasty rash too, but hey……it’s all love baby!

  6. Are you sure adding RAM is enough? I thought it would take a vacation in Italy. You know, like me, with my iBook, in a nice restaurant in Florence..

  7. My iBook is troubled… it feels ignored by its parents and wonders if it will be replaced as easily as its failed predeccesors were… I mean, how would you feel if someone that looks a lot like you was just handed off to somebody right before you came out of the box? huh? I don’t think you’re ready for that kind of emotional traume…

  8. A moment of silence, please, for the original Mega-post who has today departed this page of existence.

  9. Oh sure, rub it in.

    BTW, is registered by some chick in Jersey. However, the technically correct spelling of Mega-Post (note the dash), is still available for registration (at least as far as “com” is concerned). So… who wants it?

  10. 2 more mega-posts and we’ve reached 503!

    What the hell is that, you ask?

    It’s the first prime number after 500!


  11. The megapost shall live on…..oh yes…..

    mwaaa-ha ha ha haaaaaaa! *gak*

  12. There’s no more smoking in New York bars.

    Also, hardly anymore strip clubs.

    Except for the one across the street….

  13. mooooooooooooltz,

    where is my CARS fix????????

    i will pay double, triple — just give me the stuff, the GOOD stuff. OK it can be mediocre stuff. it can be crap, just give me a crazy Apple rumor!!!!


  14. i keep hitting reload, but Friday post keeps a ppearing at the top. reload, reload, reload. nothing new. i need crazy, i need Apple and i need rumors.


  15. Sadly, it appears that Moltz is stinking drunk again, Ugluk is experimenting with canabalism, Chet got lost in the ball pit at Chuck E. Cheese, Howard can’t find his spare opposable thumbs, and Masako is in the corner obsessing about cup size.

    And don’t even ask where the Entity is. Just don’t.

    Soon, it will be just like MacOSRumors. Just another lost DNS pointer begging for change on the street. Sad.

  16. OK, now i am worried. Philo is saying that Moltz is drunk AGAIN. That implies that at some point he was not drunk. Was this period of not being drunk recent? Was that where he was last week, some kind of rehab facility for drunks? If he and the gang go dry i’m afraid we will never see another post.

    Moltz and gang,

    do not give up the nectar! do not give in to the evil of not drinking large amount of fermented juice.

    just one man’s plea.

  17. Holy crapsters ATAT published before CARS today. Call the press.

    The _real_ press that is, not this jumped-up appley stuff we all read 🙂

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