Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.
Q: I have a G4 iBook that I do some light video editing on. What I want to know is, why are the stories so late these days? What is going on? You’re shattering my whole world view! And all those times you took a week off? What the hell is the matter with you? Make with the Apple rumors already!
A: Look, it’s just been a really hectic time around the office. We’ve all got something going on. Howard’s getting into that thing where the dogs go through the obstacle course… not as a contestant… he’s just photographing it… (frankly, I think he’s a little too chunky to fit through some of those tubes). And Ugluk’s starting up his own cave bear worship center… you know… for the kids… Chet’s watching a lot of celebrity poker and Masako killed that deer with her bare hands the other day… and the Entity… he’s got something going on in the corner over there… I’m not sure what it is, but there’s a lot of static electricity… and sometimes we hear voices coming from over there… you know… telling us to kill and whatnot. We just ignore them. We’ve gotten surprisingly used to stuff like that. And me, I’m working on a new drink that I think will embody the spirit of Apple. This, of course, involves a lot of testing and… well… after a few dozen I’ve usually forgotten what it was I was trying to do and I’m on the phone to Apple Support talking about what a babe Nancy Heinen is or tearfully telling the tech support person what a great friend he is.
So, anyways, we’re just up to our eyeballs here. We’re even thinking of contracting some of the work out to India.
Q: My iMac is about to come off its one year warranty. I’m considering shelling out for Apple Care, but what I want to know is, why are you so sullen all the time? And why did I see you crying the other day? What was that about? How come you never come ’round no more? You think you’re better than me? Huh? Is that what you think?
A: No, no. It’s not that. It’s just, like I said, we’ve been busy and… you know how it is. I got Loretta screaming at me all day long… and then Carlo down at the factory, he ain’t makin’ it any easier on me with the hours he been puttin’ on me and… the Nova broke down four times this week. And my youngest, Rick Jr., he’s having trouble at school and then I got those loan people on my back…
Oh, and I wacked a guy. That’s really complicated things…
Q: I recently added a Firewire 800 PCI card to my graphite Power Mac. One question that’s come up since doing that is who was that I saw you with the other day? Are you dating her? Is it because she’s not as fat as I am? Is that why you broke up with me, because I’m fat? How come you never call me anymore?
A: Um… Tiffany, yes, yes, yes with an “and because you stole money from me”, I never call you anymore because you’re psycho and, finally, please see the terms of the restraining order that prohibits you from calling in to the Help Desk, of which you are currently in violation. Thank you.