Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.


Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Q: I’m having a problem with my 12-inch PowerBook locking up. I read on Apple’s discussion forum that this can be caused by a wire that has become frayed and is coming into contact with the shell of the computer. I’ve moved the wire behind the keyboard that they said was probably the problem, but it doesn’t seem to have stopped the locking up.
A: Hmm. Well, sometimes it’s necessary not just to move the wire, but to put some non-conducting material around it. Have you tried that?
Q: I did, but it was hard to get all the way around it because the bracket was in the way.
A: But the bracket shouldn’t be a problem if you move it the other way.
Q: Toward the load balancer?
A: No, the fluxator.
Q: I was going to try that, but I couldn’t wrap it around the phase inhibitor.
A: Ah. Well, did you try jiggling the wobulator?
Q: Well, I would, but the fandoozle is busted. It’s been like that since I got it.
A: Oh! Then you can call in for support!
Q: For a busted fandoozle? After the warranty has expired?
A: Oh, yeah. Didn’t you hear about the busted fandoozle class action suit?
Q: I did not!
A: You’re gold, baby!
Q: Excellent! And will they fix my loose plane-folding knob manifold?
A: No. That’s extra.
Q: Dammit.

Q: Oh, I’ve made a terrible, horrible mistake! You have to help me! I’ve violated one of prime tenets of Mac computing!
A: What did you do?! Are you using OS 8.5? Did you buy a Performa? Are you coding for the Newton? OpenDoc?
Q: No! No! I’ve fallen in love with an Apple Store Genius!
A: You fool! They’re notoriously flighty!
Q: I know! I know! But… but… she was so helpful and pretty and… and…
A: You can’t rely on them! They’re Geniuses! They don’t think like you or I!
Q: What should I do?!
A: Be careful! Don’t trust her – you’ll only get hurt!
Q: Ooooohhhhh, why did it have to be a Genius?!
A: SNAP OUT OF IT, MAN! Pull yourself together! Think! Think, dammit! Are there any tell-tale signs?
Q: Like what?
A: Well, is she installing sub-standard parts in your machine?
Q: Nnn-no. I don’t think so.
A: Good! Then you haven’t reached the phase where she’s just toying with you!
Q: Waaaaaaaaaaaaa!
A: LISTEN TO ME! There’s only one way out of this!
Q: What?! What is is?!
A: It’s going to be hard, but…
Q: I’ll do anything!
A: You have to start dating one of the cashiers!
Q: But… but… they’re so soft and fleshy! She’s all brain, man! All brain!
A: Forget about her! You’re nothing to her! You’re a bug! A lab experiment!
Q: Yeah, but I kind of like that.
A: Oh. Well… OK. Suit yourself.
Q: Whole… you know… bug thing goin’ on.
A: Oh, dude… don’t try to explain it.

Q: Ooh. Wow. Lotta drama today.
A: Yes. Well. Some days it’s like that.
Q: I see. Uh… Well I hate to bother you with my little problems.
A: No, no. It’s no trouble at all.
Q: Ach. No. Seems silly now.
A: No, really. What is it? I’m here to help.
Q: Well…
A: C’mon. I’ve got more than enough in me for one more question.
Q: OK. See… it’s just that…
A: Yes?
Q: Well… my Mac’s on fire and…
A: Uh-huh.
Q: … because I was so close to it…
A: Mmm-hmm.
Q: … now… I’m on fire… and…
A: Ah. I’m getting the picture now.
Q: Yeah. You see my dilemma. I’m in a lot of pain.
A: Well… do you have a yard?
Q: I do.
A: OK. Well, here’s something that I’ve suggested to other people and I think has worked in the past. Try running out into your yard and rolling around. That should put the fire out. At least the fire… on you.
Q: Oh. That sounds like it would work.
A: Yeah. Or at least it’ll attract some attention and maybe someone will help… put you out.
Q: Right. Thanks! I’ll give that a try.
A: Good.
Q: WWWWWWAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

27 thoughts on “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.”

  9. I dated an Apple Genius once. We had to break if off when kept wanting to replace the logic board on my iBook.

    I only wish I had an iBook.

  13. First post while being *poot* beneficiary.

    So, what’s the flight/diffusion-velocity on that fellah?

    I’m in Gravesend.

    U.K. (not N.Y.)

  15. OK, so rolling around might put out the fire on the guy, but what about his mac?! That’s the most important thing on fire here! I recommend rolling around on top of his mac.

  17. So just when she read me the part about “installing sub-standard parts in her machine” I pulled out my glowing fluxator and the sparks started arcing – her fandoozle was pulsing, and [CARS EDIT- DELETED]

  19. Geniuos: (n) Knowledgeable in structure and function of operating systems. As in genius at the OS.

    OK, I’m shutting up now.

    (…mmmmmm…parabolic curves…)

  21. John Edwards? What are you doing here? You read CARS? Why are you pretending to be Huck?

    I’m so confused now.

  22. Hey! I was pretending to be Huck! Damn impostor of an impostor. Get your own person to pretend to be! Huck is mine! Wait… maybe this is a trick by Huck to flush me out. I can’t say anymore…

    *runs off shaking fist at sky*

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