Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Q: Hi, I have a question about my Flower Power iMac…
A: Pffff! Ha-ha! Ha! Ooooooh, man! That’s great! Ha-ha! Flower Power iMac! Ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha! Whoo-hoo! Ooooooooooooh, yeah! That’s classic! Flower Power! Heh. Ha-ha! Hee-hee. Ahhhh… OK. OK. I’m sorry! Ha! Oooh… So… what’s your question?
Q: Oh, never mind.

I have a four-port USB hub connected to my 14-inch G3 iBook. It connects to my color inkjet printer, my scanner, my laser printer and another four-port USB hub. That hub is connected to four more four-port USB hubs.
A: Um… OK…
Q: Those are all interconnected to each other in a matrix fashion. Port 1 on hub A connects to port 4 on hub D and so forth.
A: Uh…
Q: There are just… wires everywhere in here and… I’m not really sure I’m doing this right.
A: Doing what right?
Q: Oh! Oh. Summoning Gorto. I… forgot to mention the goat, but…
A: Gorto?
Q: Yes. Gorto. He… I don’t know… omniscient beast demon god… seems to dig USB… I don’t know. I read it in this pamphlet…
A: Oh. The one titled So, You Want To Worship Gorto…?
Q: That’s the one.
A: Well… are they USB 2.0?
Q: Ah… dammit. It’s always something, you know?
A: Oh, yeah. You’ll never get Gorto with USB 1.0. He’s not backwards compatible.

Q: I have an idea for a Mac-related business.
A: Ooooh, boy. Here we go.
Q: Um… well, see, I think there are a lot of Mac users who don’t really need Microsoft applications other than to read files other people have sent them and just use them sporadically for compatibility purposes. I think someone could set up a Citrix-based hosting environment and sell time on Microsoft products to Mac users who don’t want to buy the licenses. Just like the old time share machines.
A: Wh… what?
Q: I know. It’s probably stupid… But it just seemed like there are a lot of people who don’t want to buy Microsoft – Linux users, too – and this way they wouldn’t have to and…
A: No, no! That’s actually a good idea!
Q: Oh. Wow. Really? You think so?
A: Yeah. Yeah. Uh… it’s just that… we’ve never had anyone call in with a good idea here. So… I don’t really know what to do.
Q: Oh. I see. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make it difficult for you.
A: Well, it is. You’ve put me in a rather uncomfortable position.
Q: OK. Well, uh… uh… butt!
A: Ha-ha! Yeah! Butt! Ha-ha! Lesbian butt! Whoooooo! Yeah!
Q: Ooookay. Maybe I’ll just call Guy Kawasaki…

19 thoughts on “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.”

  1. C’mon people, wake up here. Been like 10 minutes since I posted first….

    And I don’t think Microsoft would go for the whole time-share thing. It IS a good idea, but I suspect they (Gates, Balmer etc) wouldn’t like it. Weiners they are, every last one of them.

  2. Developers! Developers! Developers! Developers! Developers! Developers! Developers! Developers! Developers! Developers! Developers! Developers! Developers! Developers! Developers! Developers! *wheeze* *thud*

  3. EIGHTH!!!

    It’s kinda like eleventh, with the “th” but much less controversial.

    Plus 8’s are pretty….oooo, 8.

  4. So Microsoft wouldn’t like it….

    But how could it be illegal? I occasionally have to get help translating documents someone sent me in an incompatible format…How does greater volume break the law?

    Sure, it’s allowing people to use software they haven’t bought, but I thought the legalese only applied to physical (insofar as software can be termed “physical”) ownership and installation on multiple computers.

    Heck, this will be a reverse, if anything. Many users, few installations.

    Apologies for the off-topic post. We now return you to your regularly scheduled program.

    Umm…Hot, steamy, ALIEN, lesbian butt, baby, yeah!

  5. Ever since those bastards started specifying that you could only install the software on one machine instead of allowing one person to install it on all of the machines they own, this would be a great way to get our gruesome revenge. No, wait, this isn’t the gruesome revenge one, this is just the normal kind.

    But seriously, between multiple user logins and remote desktop technology you’d think this would almost be done for you. One could dynamically assign new user logins and run a timer application or something to charge by the minute. Use applescript or something.

    Okay, wtf? Stop writing articles like that CARS! This is not good for any of us. Lesbian butt, indeed.

    And damn you damn you damn you, that was MY ELEVENTH POST!

  6. May I quote: “Additionally, you are required to ensure that the applications you are running on the terminal server are properly licensed. For instance, Microsoft Office applications are licensed per-device. Each device that runs Office via a terminal server must have a license for Microsoft Office.” (

    So, don’t even think about it. I know you’re thinking about it, aside from having just read it, repeatedly, on this site and forum (which is now under constant surveillance now that I’ve personally seen the intent of users to circumvent the legal, appropriate, and excessive licensing concepts of my company). I can hear you thinking about it in my sleep. You’re not going to get away with this. I have monkeys that can track you down (we purchased the flying monkey concept from the Oz books writers and the Baum Trust and are stealing them back from the public domain too, it’s all OURS!!!)

    [clears throat, adjusts glasses]

    So, anyway. Don’t. Seriously. Great idea, we may buy that too, but don’t. Or we’ll have to buy you too,

    [glancing around]

    and maybe some of those so sweet hot, steamy, alien, lesbian butts. God I wish I’d thought of that first. So steamy…



  8. Poor Bill. Gets a good chance to comment and then things slow down for the spam clearing house by Masako (yea job Masako though). I’l bet he’s been watching this, waiting to see who will offer a free alien lesbian. Or argue with his licensing. Or ask him why you can’t keep client machines from winning domain master browser elections against server operating systems. What the hell is with that anyway? Is that any way to run a company? I think not.

  9. Oh big deal Cthulu. So your using USB 3.0. Just because Demon Gods and the like can time travel and bring back future technologies for their own use, you all think your such hot sh*t. You’d think you’d at least be using FireWire(1E+32^2) where they have broken the speed of light data transfer speeds so you can import data from your camera and save it to another FW device without dropped frames.

    Jeeze, Demon Gods and their technology. You would think they would at least have a good IT department to keep them up to date, err up to future, you know what I mean.

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