Apple Opens Can Of Stewed Tomatoes in Idaho.

Finally addressing a geographical gap in the company’s retail presence, Apple has decided to open a can of stewed tomatoes in the Towne Square Mall in Boise, Idaho.

While the can of stewed tomatoes will not give consumers the ability to purchase Apple products in a retail setting, it will provide residents of Boise a rich and delicious side dish that compliments chicken, fish or beef.

“We’re pleased to bring this can of stewed tomatoes to Boise,” said Senior Vice President of Retail Ron Johnson. “I myself have been known to enjoy a nice can of stewed tomatoes – ‘maters I sometimes call them – from time to time. They’re good eatin’.”

Boise residents were modestly pleased by the announcement.

“As a Mac user I’m disappointed that Apple hasn’t chosen to open an Apple Store in Boise,” said web designer Doug Littrell. “But as a masticator, I’m pleased that I’ll have access to a nice can of stewed tomatoes.

“I did say ‘masticator‘, right? OK, good.

“Not that… oh, never mind.”

The opening of a can of stewed tomatoes is part of Apple’s new strategy designed at opening something frequently somewhere to keep the company’s name in the news and to stay in top opening form. Indeed, the company’s openings are legendary, extending all the way back to 1979 when Steve Jobs opened a Fresca to the delight of a gathered crowd of journalists.

Apple has yet to announce other non-store openings, but sources within the retail division have hinted at possibly opening a can of baked beans in Casper, Wyoming, and a box of Triscuits in Lincoln, Nebraska.

11 thoughts on “Apple Opens Can Of Stewed Tomatoes in Idaho.”

  1. I’ve got it on good information that there is also a secret plan for an Apple sponsored opening a giant can of whoop-ass in Redmond, Washington at a date to be announced later.

  2. I do Tier 2 tech support for Apple and I just opened a package of Werther’s Original candies in Austin, TX.

    Yeah, baby! Just doin’ my part to bring the, “classic candy made with real butter and fresh cream,” to the plebian masses.

    What? It doesn’t count ’cause we already have an Apple Store?

    Aw, nuts.

  3. Damn! I wait for years for Apple to open something in Lincoln, Nebraska, and the second I move to Illinois, THEY OPEN A BOX OF TRISCUITS!

  4. I wish we would have gotten a can of stewed tomato’s here in Des Moines. Due to our location it was deemed more economically viable to open a can of corn.

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