Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Q: I’ve been away from my Mac for some time and see that there are a number of updates that I need to apply to it now. Is there any particular order I should do this in, or should I just choose to apply them all at once?
A: Your Mac is a sensitive device. You should start with smaller updates and build up to the big ones. For example, you might pick to install a more gentle update that leaves only a slight impact on your Mac first, such as an iPod updater. Then, pick any iLife application updates, remembering to click smoothly yet forcefully on the button as you do so. Security updates are next and should only be installed when your Mac is ready, willing and waiting for more. Begin to install the updates faster and faster, building to a crescendo of updating fury that finally culminates in the explosive installation of operating system upgrades, to be delivered with a vigorous pounding of the mouse button. Fully sated now, your Mac will simply lie there like a beached whale and will be utterly useless to you for several hours. This might be a good time to enjoy a cigarette.
Q: Uhh… are we talking about the same thing?
A: Well, I was talking about sex. What were you talking about?

Q: I’m a long-time buyer of Apple products but my most recent purchase has really put me off the company. My experience has actually prompted me to think that I might never buy an Apple product again. I love my PowerBook and my iPod, but I have had nothing but problems with my Apple Zeppelin. It all started when…
A: Wait… Zeppelin?
Q: Yes. My Apple Zeppelin. See, I was under the impression that it came filled with helium. Or some other float-able gas. I don’t know. But it didn’t.
A: I… see…
Q: But my real complaint about it, more than the fact that I had to fill it myself and more than the fact that I had to buy a hangar to store it is… it’s full of Nazis!
A: Um… Nazis?
Q: Yeah! Nazis! I don’t know where they got them! Monocle-wearing, goose-stepping Nazis! Are they from Argentina? I don’t know!
A: Um… well… OK. See, the thing is… I don’t think Apple makes a Zeppelin.
Q: What?
A: Yeah. They make computers. They make the iPod and some software. But… no Zeppelin.
Q: Ah, crap! Well… OK. While I’ve got you on the line… let me ask you about this Apple Panzer I bought…
A: Dude, where do you shop?!

Q: I’m trying to get my iBook connected to my digital movie camera, but I keep getting just a blank screen in iMovie. I’ve tried…
Q: Dude… c’mon. The Mariners are so lame. OK, so look, I plug it in and….
Q: You know, this never used to happen when you got the stories up in the morning. Wait… are you… doing a little dance?
A: Ooooh, yeah, bay-bee! I’m doin’ the Ichiro!
Q: Well… it’s moments like these that I’m actually glad I can’t get my video camera working. Because… no one wants to see that.

31 thoughts on “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.”

  1. The truth of the matter is, all of the comments on this site are written by my friend Pete.

    Including this one.

    Thank you, Pete.

    Or, that is to say, me.

  2. ICHIRO? Is this a new Apple iProduct? Like for Chiropractors or something?

    Lets see Mr Klein, your 3rd and 4th vertebrae are subluxated. I’ll just get my iChiro and… *Snap-Crunch-Crack*, there we are all fixed. Please pay the receptionist and we’ll see you in two weeks.

    … iChiro. Use a Mac to fix your back!

  3. YEAH! I just got back from the game. I don’t think I’m gonna have a voice tomorrow, I screamed so loud. Apple should hire Ichiro as their new Senior Vice President of Worldwide Awesome.

  4. Delighted about all your, er, diminutive hit-meister Ichiro.

    But I think we’re all forgetting something *far* more important, aren’t we?




    That’s right: Eng(er)land’s 7-0 whitewashing of the Kiwis and Windies in Tests over the summer.

    Thank goodness; perspective restored.

    You can now get back to your game of ’rounders’.

    PS: “Rounder . . . rounder . . . rounder . . . rounder…”

    PPS: A fiver to the first Brit who manages to chant that when they run round those little base-thingys. Without getting a ‘cap’ popped in his ‘ass’.

  5. I today wanted to upgrade my mac all the way from 10.3.0 to 10.3.5, but I got the following error message:

    “Input/Output Error-Not big enough to reach the motherboard”.

    I am a bit discouraged now, because I don`t think I`ve got anything bigger.

    Is this normal or do you think I should have bought a smaller mac?

  6. I like my Apple Panzer. The only problem is sometime, when it’s just sitting there, the fans spin up and it gets pretty darn loud.

    A neighbor complained last week but hey it’s a Panzer, I blew him up. One shot. Kaboom!

    I hope Apple comes out with a firmware update for the fan noise problem.

    I also hope another neighbor complains. Kaboom!!!

  7. Matt, I hear there are some products out there that will naturally enhance your “update process”. Be carefull though, some of them DON’T work the way you’d think. Boy was that a painful 3 days. Ouch.

    You also have to be careful that you don’t over fill your hard drive.

  8. Garnack, this actually brings me to an other problem. Everytime I wake my mac from sleep, there is an alert saying:

    “My uptime is better than your uptime”.

    I`m now thinking about getting something with Windows XP installed. It just seems to be a better match for me.

  9. Don’t worry about that. Remeber the old addage, “It’s not the size of the uptime, but how you use your uptime that matters.”

    Some will tell you that this is an old wives tale spread by ugly women and men with very short uptimes.

  10. What do you sayÂ…Howard, could you get a shot (or a clip) of Moltz doing the Ichiro?

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