Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

As we’re all hung over after last night’s party following the Crazy Apple Point/Counterpoint with Bush and Kerry (they didn’t stick around of course, but their daughters did – BA-BOOM!), so we’re going to run a Classic Crazy Apple Help Desk from 1988! Enjoy!

Q: I have a Mac Plus and its innovative interface has gotten me thinking. Couldn’t Apple, through the use of bulletin boards or maybe the UseNet, create a service for downloading music, so people wouldn’t have to leave their homes to buy the latest hits by Big Audio Dynamite and Suzanne Vega?
A: What kind of lazy fat ass are you?
Q: Well, I…
A: Here’s an idea, chunky. Haul your gigantic ass down to the Sam Goodee like the rest of us when you want to get the latest from George Michael or INXS.
Q: Hey! My ass isn’t that big!
A: Pff. Downloading music. What a lazy fat ass.
Q: You’ll eat those words one day!
A: Yeah, well, until then, why don’t you just go eat some more pie, fatty! Ha-ha!

Q: I recently purchased a Mac II and am now able to enjoy the Macintosh experience in color. Unfortunately, my entire collection of porn is still black-and-white and I haven’t been able to find a bulletin board where I can download porn that’s in color. Can you recommend any?
A: The limited bandwidth of telephone lines mean that we will never reach the capacity needed to download porn in color at acceptable speeds. The dream of downloading color porn could never come to fruition unless some sort of “cable” network is created in every city, and the notion that that would be done just for porn is laughable. I recommend you get your color porn the old fashioned way – by putting on a hat and dark glasses and going to that sleazy convenience store out on Highway 18 where no one you know shops.

Q: I just wanted to congratulate you on last night’s Point/Counterpoint between Bush and Dukakis. I think Bush totally kicked Dukakis’ ass on the question on the scalability of System 6. It’s a stable, viable platform that will be around for the next 50 years. Anyway, Bush’s clear vision of the future won my vote.
A: Well, truly, only time will tell. But one thing is for certain, by the time Apple garners a commanding lead in desktop computer marketshare – which by our calculations should be in 1997 – System 6 will have thousands upon thousands of applications written for it and it will usher in a golden age of computing.
Q: Right you are. And, I’d just like to add, I think Hershiser’s going to collapse and Oakland’s going to beat the Dodgers in five.
A: Yeah! That’d be rad!
Q: Hey, wait a minute… if this is 1988… where am I reading this?
A: Um…

28 thoughts on “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.”

  1. We may not have had the World Wide Web in 1988, but we definitely had Usenet. Maybe we should issue an RFD for . (Or should it be, with an associated group?)

  2. Seventh!

    You guys must be talking about one of them internets….

    Speakin of which, I’ll be able to download porn much faster when I get my lightning-fast 14.4 modem out of layaway. One image every hour, yessiree…

  3. Maybe, but what if the last pile of Hershey’s Oral Sanctuary (in chocolate, of course) were to dissappear?

    Where would we be then?

    I think it’s got something to do with the Count…

  4. I set it up for him yesterday, he refused to take it, so today I cruelly snatch it from under his nose!

    Ha HAAA!. Is life not cruel?

  5. Jeez, and just look what you did to my floor! I just cleaned it yesterday. Good lord, what have you been eating?!

    …oh, and you take the 11th as well. Till next time, foe. Till next time.

  6. RatatouiLLE, sir…

    Keep on the good taste of this site.

    By the way, second – or third – comment from me ever. Maybe.

  7. Hmm I think he mean that one over there. Next to the lesbian ninja’s. Not that group of Lesbian Ninja’s the ones over talking with Mary.

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