Inside Apple.

Sources deep Inside Apple bring us this special holiday edition of… Inside Apple.

SENIOR VICE PRESIDENT BERTRAND SERLET: Steve! Steve! Thank god we caught you! We… have a problem.


CEO STEVE JOBS: Oh, no. Is there something wrong with the flash-based iPod?

SERLET: Um, no. More time-sensitive.

JOBS: Oh, hell. Is it the Firewire audio device about which I dare not say more?

COOK: No! No, no.

SERLET: No. It’s… the executive Secret Santa program.

JOBS: The…

COOK: Executive Secret Santa program.

JOBS: I… see. I wasn’t aware we had an executive Secret Santa program.


COOK: Ooh. Well.

SERLET: This… is uncomfortable.

COOK: We totally meant to ask if you wanted in.

SERLET: Yes. We… uh… I thought Phil was going to tell you about it.

COOK: Me too.

JOBS: OK. Well… regardless… what seems to be the problem?

SERLET: Oh, well, where to begin?!

COOK: It’s totally hosed.

SERLET: You see, Avie got Ron and Ron got Peter. But Peter…

COOK: Tell him about the price limit.

SERLET: There was supposed to be a price limit. Five dollars.

COOK: Five dollars. But Peter clearly spent more on Sina than five dollars.

SERLET: He got him the second season of Sex in the City.

COOK: Sina loves that show.

JOBS: Well, sure.

SERLET: Who doesn’t? It’s such ribald fun… with the sex and…

COOK: What is Big’s real name?! Ha-ha!

SERLET: Right! Anyway… clearly more than five dollars.

COOK: Totally.

JOBS: Oooookay. So… is that it?

SERLET: No! Oooh, no.

COOK: That’s just the tip of the iceberg.

SERLET: The tip!

COOK: Yes! The rest of the iceberg is… much bigger… and… cold…

SERLET: Quite ice-like.

COOK: Indeed, being an iceberg, actually made of ice.

SERLET: See, there’s this whole thing where you can either take the present you got or pick one that someone else got…

COOK: I think it’s complete bullshit.

SERLET: Me too. See…

JOBS: Guys! Guys, I’m gonna stop you right there. See, this is the kind of thing I keep telling you you should be able to handle on your own.

SERLET: What?!

COOK: Oh, man.

SERLET: I’m afraid I have to disagree, Steve! I think we need to bring our disagreements to you for a fair and equitable arbitration.

COOK: Yes. This has set executive against executive. Coworker against coworker. Brother against brother.

SERLET: Ooh, yes. The Renaldi brothers. They won’t even talk to each other. But, frankly, seeing Ron Johnson and Peter Oppenheimer get into a hair-pulling slap fight is really more than what’s in my job description.

JOBS: OK! OK. Here’s what I want you to do.


JOBS: Take a couple of hundred dollars out of petty cash and buy everyone a copy of the second season of Sex in the City and just call it good.


COOK: Steve, pardon me for saying so, but that so misses the point!

JOBS: [exiting building] Don’t care!


COOK: Mmm.

SERLET: I have a funny feeling this is going to come up on our annual reviews.

COOK: Pff. Better not come up on mine. It was your idea to go to Steve.

SERLET: I… thought he was in on it.

COOK: Ooh, man, was that uncomfortable!

19 thoughts on “Inside Apple.”

  1. It’s late..well not here where I am, but it’s late where CARS is. Very late. How do you stay up ’till 11:45? WOW! that’s like really late.

  2. Man, is this uncomfortable. I’m talking about this coffe I just spilled on my pants leg.

    On the other hand, I’m awake now…

  3. 11th. Ha Ha Ha. Yahoo! Yipee!

    I think some heads are going to roll for not including Steve in the secret Santa.

    Now, who got John in our secret Santa drawing? I got Masako, but what do you get a lesbian who has everything? Including access to the beta sexbots.

    Oh well, back to ATR’Us (Adult toys R’ Us).

  4. Okay, so if it’s a secret Santa, they how does anyone know about it? Huh? That’s what I want to know. If it’s a secret, how is it everyone knows it exists? Some secret. Better get Homeland Security on it. This is serious stuff. We can’t have Northpoleans just coming down here and sliding down our chimneys, can we? Of course, unless that’s symbolic. Kinda like Ertha Kit’s “Santa Baby” where we know “slide on down my chimney tonight” isn’t talking about the brick kind. Unless it’s a reference to “She’s a Brick House.”

    Anyways….this’ll teach them to keep secret Santas away from me. No used NeXT Cubes in their socks…

    Merry Holidays, or whatever…see you all at MacWorld SF – if you can figure out its secret location! Bwahahahahaha.


  5. Bah! Humbug!

    This Secret Santa thing is just a poor excuse for picking an executive’s pocket!

    Why ask me to take part in present trading? Are there no poor street fellow for you to share $5 with? Are there no homeless shelters for you to take your sex videos to this season? Do not the employee benefit deductions you mercilessly take from my paycheck go to some nameless charity?

    GO! And leave me to my work. You stale peice of regurgitated bread.

    Oh yes, and throw a coal in the stove on your way out.

  6. Well, I am surprised they only got in on a little story like that. I heard that somebody gave Steve 27 unreleased DualCore G5s at that party. Why didn’t CARS look into that part of the story?

  7. This post is so small it should be called the micro-post. Don’t tell me everyone’s got a life now it’s kissmass time coz I simply won’t believe it…simply won’t simply…believe…bah!

    Poor old CARS gets deserted and it’s only sad losers who are…well not just sad losers, there’re some really cool party guys here…huh huh…huh huh…posting right now in fact.

    Um…ermm…Well I must go now, there’s a really cool christmas eve party I’ve been invited to. Actually I’ve been invited to lots of parties so it might be a long night if you know what I mean…nudge nudge…Yep. Now where’s my rudolph antlers? Oh there they are.

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