Phil Schiller: The Lunch Interview!

Long-time followers of Crazy Apple Rumors Site know that Apple Senior Vice President of Worldwide Product Marketing Phil Schiller is a CARS patron, advocate and friend.

It’s kind of weird, really.

But anyway, our connection to the S-dawg allowed us the opportunity to get the word straight from the horse’s mouth about the uproar generated this week over the hiring of HP’s Allison Johnson. CARS sat down with Schiller over lunch today to discuss his future at Apple.

CARS: First of all, thank you for meeting with us, Phil.

SCHILLER: My pleasure.

CARS: Oh, no. It’s our pleasure.

SCHILLER: I know. I was just being polite.

CARS: Um… OK. Uh… thanks? Well. There’s been a lot of turmoil in the Mac community in the last 24 hours over Apple’s hiring of Allison Johnson as Vice President of Worldwide Marketing and Communications. Can you reassure Mac users that you won’t be going anywhere?

SCHILLER: Absolutely. Allison will be in charge of Worldwide Marketing, yes, but I will continue to be Senior Vice President of Worldwide Product Marketing. Basically, I will continue to focus on marketing Apple’s products at a senior level, while Allison will… well, I don’t know what she’s going to do, really. I think she has to deal with the advertisers which, frankly, is a royal pain. Like taking a puck to the groin. But suffice it to say that while in the future my position, responsibilities and office square footage at Apple may be changing, I will continue to be there every day, giving ninety-five percent!

CARS: … Ninety… five?

SCHILLER: Oh. Did I say ninety-five? I meant one hundred. Or at least ninety-eight. Except on Fridays. It’s like ninety on Fridays. There are a lot of… beer socials.

CARS: Yes, I’ve heard that. Now, you mentioned your responsibilities might be changing. Can you give us any insights into what you’ll be doing for Apple from here on out?

SCHILLER: As you know, Apple’s core business is shifting from the Mac to consumer electronics like the iPod. My attention will be redirected to the areas where the… how should I put this?… stock options are the highest.

CARS: I see.

SCHILLER: So, expect to see me winging to dinners in L.A. with music industry executives and appearing at swanky events from coast to coast!

CARS: Oh. Well, isn’t that pretty much what you do now?

SCHILLER: Um… yes, but my entourage will be bigger.

CARS: Ah. And I imagine there will be more bling-bling.

SCHILLER: Absolutely! I have several gold chains on order.

CARS: That’d be… a good look for you.

SCHILLER: I think so. So does my style consultant.

CARS: Well, let me just ask…

WAITER: Your check, gentlemen.

CARS: Oh… thanks.




CARS: Let’s see here… You had the club…

SCHILLER: Yeah… Shall we just split it?

CARS: Well, I just had a salad.

SCHILLER: You had lobster.

CARS: I did not!

SCHILLER: You’re still wearing the bib.

CARS: Dammit. I thought I was still wearing the apron from that sandwich place I’m moonlighting at.

SCHILLER: You have that on, too. Look, I’ll just get it.

CARS: Oh, really? That’d be… You don’t have to do that.

SCHILLER: No, no. I insist. I don’t know why, but I insist.

CARS: Well… thanks. And good luck in the future at Apple.

SCHILLER: Oh, don’t worry about me! I’m like a cat! I always land on my back!

CARS: I think that’s “feet”.

SCHILLER: I know, but when you land on a big pile of money, you don’t care if you land on your back or your feet.

CARS: Right. Well, I valet parked, so…

SCHILLER: I thought your mom dropped you off.

CARS: Oh. I was… hoping you hadn’t seen that.

36 thoughts on “Phil Schiller: The Lunch Interview!”

  1. I noticed the “puck to the groin” line. I may have the Schiller-mania (or in Spanish, el mania de Schillll…lllor!), but I still know I Canadian analogy when I read it.

  2. and in a totally un-button related story…

    95% wow. I guess that’s what it takes to get to them top level jobs. I’ve given 16% when I worked at Sears…but 95%? that’s amazing.

    I did give 23% at a high school dance, and 72% when we won State…but 95% is a lot!

  3. Oh yeah? Well you should see a Huck to the groin!

    …A *babe’s* groin, of course. I’d better not see any of you nasty, sweaty, male types anywhere near me. Ew, stay off.

  4. so it is …

    “All content copyright © 2001-2004 Giant Squid Productions, LLC.

    Content may not be reproduced in any format without express written consent of Giant Squid Productions.”


  5. Well, Moltz is starting an Open Source based Rumors Site.


    With all these great comments…

    ****Witness the invention of “Open Source Prose” *****

  6. John,

    I want you to know that I don’t appreciate your referring to me as your valet! I mean that’s just annoying. I’ve given birth to you (you’re head felt like a basketball you know) and I’ve raised you (okay, it was the chickenhouse out back, did I tell you to walk around with a lawn mower blade in your hand all the time?) and I drive you to your fancy-shmancy interview with high-powered people in Fortune 100 companies – well, Fortune 500, er, Misfortune 10,000,000 companies – and this is the thanks I get.

    Let me end with the immortal words of George Bush on Social Security:

    “Because the — all which is on the table begins to address the big cost drivers. For example, how benefits are calculate, for example, is on the table; whether or not benefits rise based upon wage increases or price increases. There’s a series of parts of the formula that are being considered. And when you couple that, those different cost drivers, affecting those — changing those with personal accounts, the idea is to get what has been promised more likely to be — or closer delivered to what has been promised.”

  7. its no longer open source– “All content copyright © 2001-2005 Giant Squid Productions, LLC.”

    how dare you give us one month of open source free tiral, only to take it away when we were getting used to it

  8. Don’t worry I might have done enough damage with the open source in that one month to make it count.

  9. Two things:

    First, I think my REAL mother would know how to spell her last name.

    Well, reasonably sure, anyway.

    Second, I can’t believe no one caught “marking Apple’s products” instead of “marketing Apple’s products.”

    Kids, if you’re not going to correct our spelling, I’m not sure what the point of having you read the stories is.

  10. I am not going to comment that.

    It is unworthy for the warrior caste to comment on such an interview.

  11. Ok. I apologize. I told the Spel Czech to take the day off late last night. But it wasn’t my fault! Some of the regulars had him shuddering in a corner. Well one of the regulars, but I’m not going to say who it was. (Lay low for a while, Streetrabbit. We’ll cover for you.)

    Wait a minute, the Spell Czech might still broken, but he wouldn’t have caught that mistake. That’s not a spelling error. That’s just a mental hiccup.

  12. There is no shame in eating salad with a bib. We gentle folk do it all the time.

    Gloves, too!

    Occasionally a Mackintosh slicker is called for, as with tuna salad, egg salad, lobster salad, squid salad and humpback whale salad.


  13. “You don’t need to run! You had a *salad* last night!”

    “Yeah! A Salad!”

  14. I…I..I’m sorry John, I would have checked your English more closely, but you see, the chickens are sick and the barn needs a paint job. The crop, well, it just doesn’t look like there will be enough to cover the bank loan. I had to grow pot to make ends…ooops, too much info…hehe. (and, now,back to our sob story) THERE WASN’T TIME!!! (sobbbing) Forgive…please…forgive….(more sobbing tailing off as the camera pans back and the scene fades to black)

  15. I feel honoured to be (partly) responsible for a front page correction.

    I think I front page story is install, as compensation of cause. Lesbian ninjas are rather costly on the food front!

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