A bombshell ripped through the Macintosh community today, wreaking explosive damage of an incendiary nature as it was revealed that HP’s Allison Johnson will be coming to Apple as the company’s Vice President of Worldwide Marketing and Communications.
Left unstated in the scant statements that were stated today was what this means for Senior Vice President of Worldwide Marketing and fan favorite Phil Schiller.
Outside the Cupertino campus, distraught Mac user Evan Baynes cried “SCHILLER!!! SCHIL-LERRRRRRR!!!” while rending his garments.
Inside, at a hastily convened press conference, Apple CEO Steve Jobs said “Let me be as emphatic about this as I can: Allison is not replacing Phil.
“A team of highly trained marketing ninjas could not replace Phil. Robots powered by pulsating brains full of alien marketing knowledge could not replace Phil. No, the very gods themselves – the god of marketing that is – could not replace Phil!”
Jobs added that Schiller and Johnson are on good relations and even spent time together at the Haas School imparting some of their vast marketing knowledge to students.
“But, uh, it’s not like you think,” Jobs said hastily. “They’re just good friends.
“OK, they held hands that one time, but that was a team-building exercise so I don’t think it really counts.”
As Schiller and Johnson’s responsibilities clearly overlap and Johnson will report directly to Jobs, Jobs did admit that Schiller will be taking on an exciting new position in the company with added responsibility, but would not provide details.
“All I can say at this point,” Jobs said “is that it involves electric eels and two 500-gallon vats of pure grain alcohol.
“It’s a position Phil’s been lobbying for for quite some time.”
Jobs apologized for the confusion inherent in the announcement and explained that Schiller would have been at the press conference himself, but had a prior commitment related to his charity work with an organization known as Victims of Spoiled Milk.
Jobs did address the first question about Johnson that will be on Mac users’ minds everywhere: “Is she hot?”
“I can assure you,” Jobs said, “as far as female executives in the technology industry, Allison is as hot as they come.
“No, the only person who might be put out by this announcement is Nancy who now has to share the executive women’s restroom! Ha-ha!”
Seated nearby, Apple General Counsel Nancy Heinen declined to laugh.
Crazy Apple Rumors Site will have more on this situation as it develops.