Apple To Buy TiVo Next Tuesday At 8:00.

While rumors of an Apple buyout of TiVo are swirling around the Mac web, Crazy Apple Rumors Site has confirmed that the transaction will go down next Tuesday at 8:00 PM Eastern, 7:00 Mountain time.

In certain markets, however, the buyout will be preempted by the Seattle Supersonics at the Indiana Pacers or the Atlanta Hawks at the Denver Nuggets.

Sources in the know indicate the buyout will take approximately 40 minutes, but that the two companies have scheduled an hour to allow time for breaks.

The Wall Street Journal’s Walt Mossberg said about the acquisition “One company with money to burn! Another with its life on the line! Is this a match made in heaven, or a recipe for disaster?!

Sources indicate that before Apple can buy TiVo, it first must climb a ladder suspended over a pit of non-venomous but still icky snakes and then eat a plate full of bugs.

TiVo, in turn, must admit to a solemn-faced Dr. Phil that it has “issues” related to its “relationship” with its “father” but that it feels “really good” just to “let it out.” Dr. Phil will then chastise TiVo for no less than 15 minutes and prescribe a regimen of guilt and introspection before the company seeks further intimacy. At which point TiVo’s shareholders will attempt to block Apple’s acquisition just moments before they learn that they have been voted off the island.

The entire acquisition saga will be must-see corporate drama, but if you miss it during its regular time slot, it will be replayed ad infinitum on FX.

Viewers interested in the Apple acquisition of TiVo may also be interested in watching the Microsoft acquisition of Bungie or the HP acquisition of Compaq.

38 thoughts on “Apple To Buy TiVo Next Tuesday At 8:00.”

  1. Yay! If I’m not first, I’m the closest to the top I’ve been in a long time. Now to skim the article for info about sexbots.

  2. Damn you Magnanimous Wang. Damn you and your wangness to eternal hellfires. Or seas of flowers and candy. Whichever makes you more uncomfortable.

  3. Hey, I don’t have a problem with people coming close, but for months I have yearned for the glory of first post as I daily encountered at least 15 comments on my first visit…

    You can have FP next time.


    Magnanimous Wang

  4. 8th? Wow, I am movin’ on up. Plus, I just ordered the 40gig iPod Photo. Could today get any better?

  5. TiVo is new to me so I had a surf around and discovered there’s a community. They meet and talk about…TiVo (?) We don’t have them on my planet. We did have betamax and 8 track and if there’d only been a community…well what might have been.

    Now it would be so easy for me to claim 11th but I’ve matured since…well since around 6:30 this evening.


    *go on stack the posts*’…stack…

  6. That Bungie gag was a low one. You know we’re still smarting about that, right?

    At least TiVo already has its own funky CaPiTaLiSaTiOn thing, but won’t they have to change it to “iTvo” to fit in?

  7. Thirteenth-ish…!

    Hard to blame the Bungie guys for taking the money and running, but I agree with neel…ouch! Perhaps, though, there’s some luke-warm comfort to be found in the choice of processor for the new X-box?

  8. Sorry guys, but i have absolutely NO idea of what this TiVo-thing can be…

    … and i’m waaay too lazy to check the corporate alleys of the internet.

  9. “…it’s regular time slot,…”

    should be corrected to “its regular time slot,…”

    Don’t blame me. I’m just the Spell Czech.

    Stay tuned for scenes from an ALL NEW Crazy Apple Rumors!

  10. 8PM Eastern 7 Mountain…. The central time zone just vanished… It just cannot happen at all…

    How about Disney will take over Apple when the apes rule the world?

  11. Marathon was a source of pride when the rest of the Mac world seemed to be swiftly going down the toilet. The day MS bought Bungie was one of the darkest days in Apple history. John, bringing up the MS takeover of Bungie was cruel, especially for Masako. Is she still running her Marathon LAN?

  12. If they allocated an hour for breaks, will Tivo eliminate those breaks as they are really commercial time?? Just a thought…

  13. I meant “record the buyout”. I have no idea what would happen if I resorded the buyout…


  14. Last time I checked, the Pacers were from Indiana, and were not Indian. Did my team get outsourced with all of our IT jobs? Is the game in India, or Atlanta, because that would put the broadcast in a wholly different timezone, save a rebroadcast.

    Get your sports news here from now on!

  15. Hey, even I can watch, since I’m on TV monday night now. Boy, am I glad we changed nights. Whew, I could have missed it.

    Back, you terrorist. Or I’ll shoot you and then I’ll..I’ll..oh wait, I’m not in front of the camera. Sorry about that, folks. You know, working on 24 is like working a 24 hour day, but like 365 of them? Sheesh, and dad thought he had it hard making B movies.

  16. This whole timezone business is so weird. I know among the regular posters we have people living in a half a dozen different time zones. You would think people from England, North America, and Australia would be on completely different schedules. But watching the posting times show most people seem to poster at random times throughout the day. I wonder:

    Are people really staying up after midnight just to post in the top ten?

    Are CARS readers disproportionately night people?

    Do CARS readers disproportionately suffer form sleep disorders?

    Is the Central Time Zone really missing?

    Why in the world would someone post at 3:30 in the morning?

    If TiVo removes ten minutes from a program, who gets those minutes?

    I think people are TiVoing the lives.

  17. The Central Time Zone got outsourced along with the Indian Pacers. You can catch them both in Bangalore.

    However, all those people in the vacated CT need not worry, since Apple’s giving out free TiVos to everyone in that zone.

    Who buys a Mac Mini.

    Or an iPod Photo.

    Or a G5.

    (This is how you increase market share! Threaten to take away their TVs!)

  18. Uh, did the gang from AtAT sneak in here again? Cause this sure sounds like they did. And if they did, you know, I’m down with that. You all. Dawg. Out.

  19. I know I’m TiVoing *my* life.

    ‘Cause there are a hell of a lot of ‘longueurs’ that I want to fast-forward through. Or just bin, to be honest.

  20. From the RSS feed’s summary:

    >>Apple buys TiVo. Meanwhile, Starbuck crash-lands on a planet and Dr. Carter finds the true meaning of Christmas from an unexpected source.<<

    I *knew* CARS was living in an alternate reality! He said *Dr.* Carter. But Carter is actually a Captain. No, wait, she’s Major now … what do you mean they upped her to lt. Colonel??? Anyway, only Dannyboy may call her Doctor in *this* reality.

    Oh well, Starbuck is hotter anyway. … no, I’m not talking about Face.

  21. Uli Kusterer you are SOOOOO wrong. The only way Starbuck could be hotter than Carter is if she spontaneously combusted.

  22. TiVoing your life could be dangerous. If the remote fell into the wrong hands you could find yourself repeating the same day over and over again, like in Groundhog Day. Or you might find that you can’t remember anything except Sunday nights from 7 to 9.

    On another note, it is currently 4:40 PM in the Mountain time zone.

  23. Why would Apple bother? Microsoft already have the market sown up with the XP Media Center Edition.

    At least that’s the way it is in the undersea kingdom of Mylanta where the time is currently 14:05.

    *pulls up shutters, waits for stoning*

  24. Am I the only one wondering just who TiVo’s father is…my bet’s on either “Avie” Tevanian or Jean-Louis Gasse. In either case, it would explain some things (no, I don’t know what, I’m just sure it would).

  25. I think the correct term is “spontaneously comburst.”

    As in “Man, you are so burst.”

    (PST by the way)

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