Building on the success of its retail stores, Apple will announce the opening of a series of “Apple Baby” stores that will occupy space adjacent to its existing Apple Stores. Specifically designed for children five and under, Apple Baby will feature the same products as the regular Apple Store, but target marketed specifically for babies.
While the company’s products seem ill-suited for those five and under, Apple’s marketing division has been working creatively to cast them in a new light.
According to new Apple literature, the PowerBook G4, for instance, is for ages “6 months and up”, as it has rounded edges that are safe for baby. Further, PowerBook may be placed in the freezer and then given to teething babies who crave cold items to chew on and sooth their sore gums.
This will, of course, destroy the PowerBook and void your warranty, Apple notes, but it will make your baby happy.
“And don’t you love your baby?” asked Senior Vice President of Retail Ron Johnson. “Well? Don’t you?”
Apple apparently also hopes to heavily push the guilt angle on technology-savvy parents hoping to endear themselves to their children in a vain attempt to correct the mistakes their own parents made.
“100 Mac minis makes a great set of blocks and will certainly take away the pain of all those times your father missed your little league games,” Johnson noted, standing in front of a display of Mac minis stacked to look like a fire truck.
“Provided, of course, you love your baby enough. Some people may not love their baby enough. And that’s fine. For people who don’t love their baby. If you want to be that kind of person. A baby-hater, if you will.”
Apple’s repositioning of products for Apple Baby does not stop with the PowerBook and Mac mini. From calling the iPod shuffle on a lanyard “the perfect pacifier” to claiming the 30-inch Cinema Display “makes a great changing table”, the company’s entire lineup is somehow now kid-friendly.
Oddly the only product not featured at Apple Baby will be the iPod socks. No explanation was given.