Sign The Online Petition!

Hey, you in the Revenge of the Sith t-shirt with the Strawberry Quik spilled on it!

Do you love Apple?

Of course you do!

Didn’t Apple give meaning to your life and provide a sense of family that makes your “real” family pale in comparison, as many of them have bad breath and are genetically disinclined to be attractive?

Of course it did!

Well, now is the time for Applephiles to stand up and be counted!

Scurrilous scalawags are threatening the very fabric of the Mac universe! From John Dvorak to Steve Ballmer to a couple of guys with a web site revealing trade secrets about the iPod socks, Apple is under attack!

Nerdy IT professionals with their waistbands hiked up to their armpits, lazy pundits of the technology media who slap their names on Microsoft press releases and call it good, and mouth-breathing “average Joes” who learned all they need to know about computers at the local Best Buy. All these and more shall ye scorn!

Remember, those outside the Mac community don’t understand you! They idle about, their hairy knuckles scraping the dirt floors of their hovels as they fling the poo of their rhetoric at the Macintosh and the iPod! Is that the kind of crap you’re going to let Apple suffer? The same crap you suffered in grade school? And junior high school? And high school? And at that company team-building weekend last month?


It’s time to stand up for Apple! It’s time to…


In the comments of this post, put your name, address, three box tops and an autographed copy of Glenn Dickey’s 49ers, and Crazy Apple Rumors Site will do the rest. Let Apple know you’ve got its back! Let Apple know you’re in its corner! Let Apple know you’re the one that’s been sneaking into its house at night and leaving those vaguely threatening notes detailing the depth of your love!


Some of you may be wondering from what well does your love of all things Apple spring? Is it the lure of a $99 iPod? Is it the power of a Power Mac G5? Is it the static shock of a PowerBook when you pick it up after walking across the carpet? Is it the idle fantasies of hot monkey sex with the stock-footage woman in the MacMall ads?

Who knows? What is important is that you act now to save Apple from the barbarians at the gate! So…


Don’t wake up next week and find that One Infinite Loop has been sacked by the Hun! Don’t let your one true love be defiled by godless infidels!


It’s the least you could do after all Apple’s done for you, you lazy bastard! So…