Microsoft Provides Handy Advice On Flash-Based MP3 Players.

Highly-placed sources at Apple point us to a helpful guide to buying the right flash-based MP3 player the Microsoft Corporation has put together.

While this completely objective look at the merits of the features of certain unnamed flash-based MP3 players would be useful to any discerning digital music aficionado on its own, Crazy Apple Rumors Site has learned that it is just the first in a series. After recommending that a good player should have a display, play Windows Media Format and allow you to enjoy the modern miracle that is FM radio, CARS has learned that Microsoft will recommend in later editions that:

  • The CEO of the company that makes your MP3 player should not have a last name that rhymes with Hobbes.
  • The company that manufactures your MP3 player should never be named after a fruit. That’s just hippie bullshit.
  • Although you’d think flash-based players should be small, don’t rule out the ones that are the size of industrial air-conditioning units.
  • Your flash-based MP3 player should never be white. White is not a good color for a digital music player as it attracts dirt and requires frequent soaking in bleach.
  • Under no circumstances should your MP3 player be stylish. You don’t want to be taken for a dandy. After all, you never know when you may find yourself incarcerated through an unfortunate series of events that are no fault of your own. And you know what they do to dandies in prison. Yikes.
  • When picking an operating system or office suite, it’s a great idea to go with the one with the highest market share, because you’re guaranteed a quality product that will be around for years to come. But not with flash-based MP3 players. It’s a completely different situation. Completely.
  • Choosing a player with as complicated an interface as possible provides a valuable learning experience into complicated interfaces for flash-based MP3 players.
  • Always pick a player that plays music in a format that restricts your rights as much as possible. That says “I’m not a communist.”
  • Always pick a player with lots of extras. Many will now come with a cup of soup. Don’t you want a nice cup of soup?

The company is also expected to provide a helpful feature on what to look for in an operating system when Tiger comes out entitled: Why get those features now when you can get them later?