Inside Apple

Sources within Apple iPod division bring us this revealing conversation between Senior Vice President of said division Jon Rubinstein and Apple CFO Peter Oppenheimer. As Apple prepares to finish the second quarter of its fiscal year, the company’s finance department is reviewing expenditures… Inside Apple!

I’m not sure where else they’d do that.

OPPENHEIMER: Hey, Jon, thanks for stopping by!

RUBINSTEIN: Oh, sure. Sure. I’ve got nothing to hide.

OPPENHEIMER: Um… OK. I wouldn’t expect that you do. But, let’s go over these budget items for the year.


OPPENHEIMER: As you know, we’re just about half way through our fiscal year and we need to see where we are.


OPPENHEIMER: Of course, the iPod division has quickly turned into our star performer, and we want to make sure you’re getting the funding you need…


OPPENHEIMER: … but there are one or two… irregularities… shall we say, in your expenditures for the first two quarters and many of the line items you’ve requested for the second half of the year.

RUBINSTEIN: I… I’m sure we have a valid need for everything we asked for.

OPPENHEIMER: “Six mail-order Filipino brides.”

RUBINSTEIN: Six… what? [Rubinstein flips madly through several sheets of paper he brought with him.] No. No. That’s… that’s supposed to be seven. We need seven.


RUBINSTEIN: They’re not for me.

OPPENHEIMER: I don’t care who they’re for. HR probably does, but I don’t. But I do have to cut this item.


OPPENHEIMER: Um, because it has nothing to do with making and selling iPods. Plus I think it might violate some laws. It’s certainly icky.

RUBINSTEIN: Ah. I see. OK. Was there something else?

OPPENHEIMER: Well, Jon, a number of the items you’ve budgeted for are… well, they’re not possible.

RUBINSTEIN: How do you mean?

OPPENHEIMER: I mean they don’t exist. “One graviton generator.” “22 super-intelligent chimps.” “12 virgin ASU sorority sophomores.” “One wheel of atomic cheese.” I don’t even know what that means.

RUBINSTEIN: We weren’t sure either, but somehow it came up at a staff meeting and we just wanted it, you know?

OPPENHEIMER: I’d think you were just padding your budget, but after talking with several members of your staff, I believe you really thought you could go get these things.

RUBINSTEIN: Well, [former Apple CFO] Fred [Anderson] was very adamant about the iPod getting all the resources it needs.

OPPENHEIMER: Be that as it may, I don’t think it’ll be any hardship on the iPod division if I cut line items that you can’t possibly acquire.


OPPENHEIMER: Now, let’s look at your expenditures to date.

RUBINSTEIN: Oh. Do we have to?

OPPENHEIMER: Yes. “4,000 copies of Catwoman.”

RUBINSTEIN: That was a mistake. It was supposed to be 4,000 copies of Snoop Dog’s Girls Gone Wild 10. The distributor sent us the wrong thing.

OPPENHEIMER: That doesn’t really make it sound any better.

RUBINSTEIN: Oh. Well, Catwoman was really bad, though.

OPPENHEIMER: Here’s another one: “Evil-looking goat.”

RUBINSTEIN: I… um… that was sort of a practical joke.

OPPENHEIMER: OK. Well, look, Jon, we all know you do important work down there with your little music player or whatever, but let’s try to keep the expenses within the bounds of reason.



RUBINSTEIN: Does… that mean we have to return the 300 Janet Jackson nipple rings?

OPPENHEIMER: [Sigh] No. But please don’t ever mention that to me again. Ever.

RUBINSTEIN: They were… a promotional… item…