Jack Campbell Issues New Fatwas.

After issuing an April 1 challenge to Symantec, the controversial Jack Campbell, CEO of DVForge, has issued several other statements in the intervening days, targeting a variety of sources. While most have not been published publicly, Crazy Apple Rumors Site has obtained the text of several of the missives.

Today, the CEO of DVForge, Inc. issues the following private challenge to the guy who cuts his hair.

“This challenge is to Renée at Top Cuts, based on his statements that I have a comb-over,” said Jack Campbell. “Your assertion is based solely on several years of cutting my hair and is a dangerous public statement. Since I have already made my next appointment I have no choice but to keep it (also, I’m thinking about a pony tail – just give it some thought), but if I could cancel it I would. But I can’t. Although I may call and see if I can switch my appointment to Marie. But that might be uncomfortable when I see you in the salon.

“I’m not sure what to do.”

Campbell continues, “My hair is silky and luxuriant and beyond reproach. Renée’s insistence on pushing his claim about my hair is irresponsible and hurts my feelings.”

“I am calling for Renée to put up or shut up. Prove to me that these so-called ‘comb-overs’ are even real.

“I’ll see you next Thursday.”

Campbell’s hair dresser has not been the only one to feel his wrath.

Today, the CEO of DVForge, Inc. issued the following private challenge to actor Brad Pitt.

“I can’t believe how hurtful you’ve been to poor Jennifer,” said Campbell. “You give all men a bad name with your… your… your… stupidness and… and…

“You’re just so stupid! You’re a big stupid head!”

Campbell paused to compose himself.

“I really thought those two kids were going to make it!” he blurted, breaking down and sobbing.

Campbell then issued a challenge to Pitt, demanding that he look inside himself for the love.

Campbell has also issued fatwas to Kate Winslet (demanding that she just pick a weight and stick with it), Russian President Vladimir Putin (demanding a variety of nesting dolls and lacquered boxes) and, perhaps most disturbingly, several fictional characters including 24‘s Jack Bauer (demanding he stop being so intense and smoldering).