Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Do to our very heavy workload following Tiger release date rumors (is it the 18th, the 22nd, the 29th? It’s all so tiring!), we’re running a “Classic” episode of the Crazy Apple Help Desk from 1988!

Q: I recently purchased a Mac SE and I was astounded at the speed! What an excellent machine! My question is, can I use this machine to do video editing?
A: Oh, sure. The Mac SE excels at video editing. What you’ll want to do is create 10,000 bit-mapped drawings and then splice them together and then scroll through them really quick!
Q: Um, isn’t that just making a flip-book?
A: Yeah. That’s what you said.
Q: No, I said “video editing.”
A: Right. Flip-book.
Q: N-no. Video editing.
A: Flip. Book.
Q: Video editing!
Q: What the hell’s the matter with you?!
A: Me?! You’re the crazy-assed freak who wants the Mac to do video editing! Sheesh, why don’t you just ask for jet packs or… or… sexbots or something?
Q: Oooh. Sexbots? Really?
A: No! Gah!

Q: I bought a Mac Plus two years ago and I am furious! The Mac II that came out last year is twice as fast! Now my investment is useless! It’s yesterday’s business! It’s a $2,600 paperweight! Why…
A: Dude! Dude!
Q: What?! What?!
A: Dude, it’s an 8 MHz difference.
Q: Oh. Oh, yeah. I never thought of it that way.
A: Yeah. That’s like… nothing.
Q: Totally. I don’t even know what I was upset about anymore.

Q: I’m a long-time user of the Apple II and I’ve recently been thinking about switching to the Mac. My only concern is, will all of my ASCII porn be viewable on the new platform?
A: That’s a common question we get here at the Help Desk…
Q: Wow! Really?!
A: Um… no, but we haven’t been open that long.
Q: Oh.
A: But, anyway, rest assured your ASCII porn will be viewable on the Mac.
Q: Hmm. OK. Well… great, I guess.
A: What? You seem kind of down about that.
Q: Well… it’s just that… I was kind of looking forward to re-typing it all. It’s really hot.
A: Uh… huh.