Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

These days many businesses are taking a long look at the Mac. Today’s Help Desk answers their questions.

Q: Hmm.
A: It’s a Unix-based operating system.
Q: Hmm.
A: Have you looked at Spotlight? It’s a powerful search utility.
Q: Hmm.
A: Uh… Did you know you can connect a Mac client to a Windows network using Active Directory?
Q: Hmm.
A: And viruses and other malware are currently not a problem.
Q: Hmm.
A: So… what do you think?
Q: Hmm. I… I don’t know…
A: What?! What?! What?!
Q: It’s nice and all… it just… it just…
A: What?! What is it?!
Q: Well, Microsoft gave us t-shirts and stuff.
A: I’m sure we can get you some t-shirts.
Q: Hmm. That’s nice, but…
A: Were there… sexual… favors?
Q: I’m… not at liberty to say.
A: I knew it!
Q: You won’t… tell anyone will you?
A: Oh… no. No one reads this site.
Q: Wait… “site”?

Q: I have a Dell Dimension and I’m very eager to switch over to the Mac.
A: Excellent! Well, let me tell you, you won’t be sorry. Mac OS X 10.4 is the best operating system currently available. And the Mac hardware is second to none. You’re going to find your computing experience is going to be a lot more enjoyable from here on.
Q: Great! So, where do I go to get my free Mac?
A: Free…?
Q: Yeah. I was going to go with Linux because the OS is free, but then I thought, why not the Mac? Then I get the hardware for free, too!
A: Uh…
Q: I’m eager to get started. Do I just walk into an Apple Store and pick one up off the shelf or…
A: Uh… yeah. Yeah. That’s what they’re there for. Just… pick out one you like.
Q: OK! Thanks!
A: … Is he gone? Good. I just… I didn’t have the heart to tell him. I’m sure the whole thing will get straightened out at the Apple Store.

Q: Our enterprise environment has a client/server architecture that uses SQL Server as the back-end database platform and Terminal Services to deliver applications to Windows XP clients. How can the Mac fit into this environment?
A: The Mac is a superior client operating system. Deploying a Citrix client to Macintosh desktops will create an environment that will make your users more productive while reducing your support costs.
Q: …
A: …
A: Oh, jeez.