Tragedy struck the Wall Street firm of Taylor and Bennet today, as long-time employee Dale Sievers died suddenly when his head exploded during Apple’s quarterly conference call.
“It’s a very sad day for us here at Taylor and Bennet,” said Nathan Funkhouser, chairman of the firm. “Dale had been with us for 15 years covering technology stocks and Apple in particular.”
According to reports Sievers had filed year after year, he was no fan of Apple.
7/15/1995: “Apple will report its quarterly financials on Wednesday and expect the carnage to be particularly acute. Microsoft has closed the gap in operating system usability and Apple has become an anachronism.” Rating: SELL.
10/13/1998: “Despite the return of Steve Jobs to the company, Apple has little chance of survival.” Rating: SELL.
4/17/2001: “Apple is doomed. It’s deteriorating relationship with retail outlets mean that it will soon have no place to sell its products. If you own this stock, it’s long past time to get out.” Rating: SELL.
1/14/2003: “Look, how many times do I have to say this: Apple is toxic. Get out. GET. OUT. Only a loser freak who finds solace in rooting for a lost cause would continue to hold Apple stock.” Rating: SELL.
Funkhouser said “Dale was listening to [Apple Chief Financial Officer] Peter Oppenheimer discussing Apple’s third quarter results and somewhere around where Oppenheimer said ‘net profit growth of 425 percent’…
Pausing to compose himself, Funkhouser continued “There was this… ‘pop’…”
Funkhouser then excused himself to consult with Taylor and Bennet’s janitorial staff.
While no other reports of the heads of Wall Street analysts exploding were received, there were reactions of surprise, dismay, fear, and loathing and several analysts were seen staring off into space in blank disbelief.