Filthy Commies Denounce Possible Move to Trusted Computing By Our Beloved Corporate Overlords.

Certain reactionary elements of the technology world have preemptively denounced any move to employ the Trusted Computing capabilities of Intel’s chipsets Apple might be considering. Digital rights advocate Cory Doctorow provided a manifesto for this kookie collection of commies, indicating that if Apple were to make such a move “the blood of the unbelievers would flow in the streets” (paraphrasing).

For Mac users unfamiliar with the technology, Trusted Computing either…

  • Allows software vendors to make computers more secure through the use of dedicated hardware


  • Lets Microsoft determine which hours of the day you can use vowels

… depending on who you ask.

People have varying theories about the extent to which Trusted Computing allows software vendors to limit your capabilities, but sensible Apple follower and flossing advocate John Gruber believes that Apple’s main goal is to prevent OS X from running on non-Apple hardware.

“They may also stop you from performing bizarre sexual acts on your computer,” Gruber added. “Which may be what has Doctorow so upset. I don’t know. I’m just speculating there. I don’t know for a fact he performs bizarre sexual acts with his Mac. I’m just saying that that could be a reason he’s so upset.

“You know… if he likes to violate his Mac and thinks he won’t be able to do that in the future.

“Some people like that kind of thing. I don’t. But it’s possible Doctorow does. I don’t know, though. Just thinking out loud.”

Gruber went on to note that Doctorow would be well advised against throwing around idle words about switching platforms, because “the dude may find himself singing a different tune once he starts performing his perverted sex acts with some ugly-assed GNU/Linux box. Just saying is all.”

Others pointed out that this is not the first time the man described by some as “a degenerate commie” has penned reactionary commentary.

“Cory thinks he’s V or something,” said Mac author, blogger and noted female Dori Smith.

“In reality he’s just a counterrevolutionary anarchist who has it in for Dear Leader. I mean Steve Jobs. Cory’s the kind of guy that would rather blow up the Apple world than do the hard work of lobbying Apple and whining relentlessly and showing up at shareholder meetings and otherwise working within the system to get them to eventually, after years and years of dedicated effort… uh… probably continue to ignore you, actually. But, um…

“Cory also smells like feet.”

Undeterred, Doctorow fired back at his critics.

“Smith and Gruber’s remarks are inflammatory. I’ve only preemptively blown up three or four Apple Stores and all of them in the dead of night so no one would be hurt. In the future Smith should confine her remarks to JavaScript and kitties and stuff. And Gruber should write Stargate SG-1 fan fiction.

“That’s not a cut. I just think he’d be really good at it. From… you know… from reading his writing.

“Just… I mean… if he’s interested… I know some people… who… run a site… that… publishes… Stargate SG-1 fan fiction…

“They pay like $15 an episode.

“Oh, and just for the record, my feet have a condition. A condition!

Apple declined to comment for this story, but stated that while it does enjoy Battlestar Galactica, it doesn’t watch Stargate SG-1, because that MacGyver guy gives the company hives.

31 thoughts on “Filthy Commies Denounce Possible Move to Trusted Computing By Our Beloved Corporate Overlords.”

  1. Dude, everybody knows MacGuyver is no longer a regular cast member on Stargate SG-1.

    I mean, not that I watch…I just…because the Farscape guy…

  2. The usual inane, offensive and potentially career damaging innuendo written by a returned to teens mid-forties outcast, sadly in the name of humour. The author would not recognise truth or humour if it savaged him, and in the same irresponsible manner, believes that all the great and good are pawns for his ‘wit’.

    May I be struck blind if I am assaulted again by such drivel claiming to be ‘satire’, it was probably dictated by an occupant of a babies high chair although the average six month old Down’s sufferer would be more literate.

    Moltz, I weep for you and your rabble-rousing staff, you are a disgrace to humanity but in the meantime, keep up the good work.

  3. Maybe we should rewrite the Appalachian song?

    Wake up, wake up Darling Cory

    Why do you sleep so sound?

    For the Intel man is coming

    He’s gonna burn your Apple Mac down.

    Banjo, guitar and mountain dulcimer tablature available at considerable cost.

  4. Look, barely any posts!

    I bet everyone is getting censored!

    That’s it!

    Everyone’s probably confessing what they did with their Mac last night.

    Speaking of which…

  5. W00t! Great article. And I can totally sympathize with the hives. I’m pretty sure MacGuyver is the leading cause of hives in North America.

    Also, eleventh!

  6. They use Macs on Battlestar Galactica, don’t they? Cuz the Cylons were able to hack into the defensive grid before their attack, and Adama insisted on staying with Power Macs. Now he’s still alive, and the others, well…

    Yes, I’m a geeeeek. What about it?

    (Pushes glasses up nose with index finger)

  7. Dearest Moltz,

    Please assault Nxxx with more so called drivel. I think it would be cool to see him struck blind.

    Enjoyed the story, stay special,


  8. Galactica uses non-networked Apple II systems, since the Cylon viruses can’t crack machines that primitive. No wireless communications allowed either.

    The lack of mobile phones would be okay with me, but no AirPort? That would be too much…

  9. Not only are Richard Dean Anderson and Harry Dean Stanton the same person, but Richard Dreyfus and Pamela Anderson are also involved.

    Let’s face it — Pamela Anderson gets a new series JUST AS Richard Dean Anderson leaves Stargate? Only a FOOL would think that’s a coincidence!

    On the other hand, I’m fairly sure that none of the other cast of Stargate are involved.

  10. Nxxxxxxxxxxxx,

    I’ve got your Theatre…. right here.

    Bring it.

    Mr. Cheap shot from behind.

    Mr. “it was probably dictated by an occupant of a babies high chair although the average six month old Down’s sufferer would be more literate”

    You are going down. Because I am dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal !!!!

  11. the correct way to write “… depending on who you ask” is, of course:

    “… depending on WHOM youse aks”

  12. Martin Mull is the intelligent-looking one.

    Howard Hesseman is the other intelligent-looking one.

    Does that clear things up?

    Of course, we shouldn’t even discuss Steve Martin & Ron Howard….

  13. THERE IS NO “U” IN MACGYVER! Jesus. You people need to be duct-taped into a chair and taught a few lessons with a Swiss Army knife.

    And by the way, why do people think Down’s Syndrome is f#?!ing funny?

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