Apple Skunk Works Projects.

[As we are currently working on the complex process of judging each entry in the Pimp My Apple Executive Contest – which, not surprisingly, involves a lot of liquor – today’s post will be a list story. Now, some people seem to love the list stories and some people seem to hate them. Look, it’s not like we can just decide when information comes to us in list format or something. Sheesh. You know, I sometimes think many of you don’t understand how the rumor business works. It’s very complicated. See, we receive emails from people who may or may not have actual knowledge of things pertaining to Apple that are not broadly known by the general public. We then compile these emails into something vaguely resembling a journalistic format.

And that’s pretty much it.

OK, so it’s not that complicated. But I’d like to see you do it, monkey.

Stupid monkey. With your… your stupid little fez hat and… and… stupid vest… and… stupid organ grinder.

Who are you to judge us?

Stupid. You’re stupid! I hate you!]

A story we published recently mentioned the Mighty Mouse was created as a skunk works project within Apple. First of all, to some of our more confused readers who emailed us asking, no, “skunk works” does not mean the project involved actual skunks! Ha-ha!

Except for the project working on scented iPod socks.

No, a skunk works project just means one that’s under the radar and is possibly being funded from either time volunteered or resources stolen from officially sanctioned projects.

So, let’s take a look at them, shall we? What hot, as yet unattainable products are Apple engineers spending their nights developing?

  • An iPod the size of a Buick.
  • Jon Rubinstein’s electric acid trip and summer of free love in a square box.
  • Sneaking into houses and turning Flower Power and Dalmatian iMacs into regular iMacs, and leaving a note of apology for ever selling them in the first place.
  • An all-white iPod U2.
  • A version of OS X that runs on nothing. By which I mean everything. Think about that.
  • A round Cinema Display. Which is cool, because it’s round.
  • iPod shoes.

Actually, there’s a lot more than that.

But those are all the emails we got.

47 thoughts on “Apple Skunk Works Projects.”

  1. And I’m Definitely Not First either, but only just this once.

    btw, a round display would be PERFECT for looking at family pictures. Just think, automatically crop out those unsightly relatives!

  2. Goodnight John boy,

    (Just restrained myself from going into the Goodnight routine from the Waltons), ah true America.

    You missed the BIG RUMOR!!!!!!!!

    Intel are to announce that next year’s CPUs are code-named





    How can we butch, rugged outdoor hunks of Apple buyers use a machine with a poncey Woodcrest in it?

    Ah well, back to more three-finger beaver strangling.

  3. Hey! Since no-one has claimed it, I CLAIM THE ELEVENTH POST!

    Oh, and I quite fancy 57th and 84th too, if no-one minds. And 39. Oh, and if you have any pies, I’ll take those too.

  4. Please take your three fingers off (out of?) that beaver. You don’t know where they’ve been. You nasty nasty little boy.

  5. Why’d the chicken cross the road?


    Why did Jesus cross the road?


    Think about that second one. You’ll get it….

  6. One of the reasons the early 2001 iMacs flopped: No one can spell “Blue Dalmatian” correctly. It is about artificially colored dogs from Dalmatia, not about someone being dalmated in a blue way.

    Jeez, why do I have to explain that over and over? Are you all demanted or what?

  7. I’ve always been prepared to believe everything I read here but “An all-white iPod U2” is stretching even the most gullible imagination.

    All white indeed….never heard anything so ridiculous.

  8. Yabba, If I may be so familiar,

    I STRANGLE three-fingered beavers as they are mutants and play havoc with my white U2 sexbots. The ‘bots are not lesbian or ninja, as if they were lesbians the three-fingered beavers would be scared and if they were ninjas, they’d strangle them themselves. Sorry for the misunderstanding.

  9. I can’t wait for the “Claurus the DogCow” iPod to be released. Supposedly it Moof’s whenever you turn it on. I’ve heard the rumor that Gateway has agreed to be the distributor for it.

  10. John, nobody really believes you’re judging entries to the contest. MAKING UP entries is more like it, and we appreciate the effort. After all, it was way too much work for me to bother with.

  11. Dear Muso Boozo

    Many thanks for clearing up the three-fingered beaver thing. At first I thought it was some sort of weird sexual reference, but then I decided that it was a method to use three fingers to strangle regular beavers. Although now I come to think of it, how would you use three fingers to do this? Maybe use one from each hand to squeeze from in front and behind, and then use the third finger to flick the beaver into submission. Surely plain old throttling would be more efficient and enjoyable. Anyway, imagine my relief when I discovered that it’s the beavers that have three fingers and that the exact method of strangling is left unspecified for full throttling enjoyment. I do have one question, though… If these are mutant beavers, how many fingers does a normal beaver have?

    Yours in contemplation

    Yabba Dabba DOO

    PS Good luck with the sexbots – don’t wear them out.

  12. Muso the boozo (is that right? I can’t be bothered scrolling up)

    You can’t let Yabbadabba etc. get away with that horrid slur.

    Come on back baby.

    With somthin’ real asty.

    Godamit I think were gonna see blood!

  13. Look Mr Smarty Pants, all you had to say was “white dog with black spots” and we would’ve all known what you meant. But no. You had to use you fancy smancy big words.

    Well you’ve ruined the story for everyone.

    Happy now?

  14. Hey Streetrabbit, how come you’re so sensitive on the booze thing? I guess we can talk about it when I see you at AA tonight…

  15. Dear Mr. Doo,

    So glad that I could be of assistance, I believe that the three-fingered beaver originated in Springfield, probably as a result of some happenstance with Homer or Bartholomew. Sadly, at my age, the sexbots are just for show, but they dance nicely when I play the Cajun box.


    muso the boozo

    postscriptum:-Casteridæ Castor Canadensis usually only uses the thumb when hitchhiking and does not use GPS systems. I hope that makes things clearer.

  16. Dear Boozo

    Please call me Doo-Doo, all my friends do. Still a bit confused on the 3-fingered thing. Do you suspect illicit man-to-beaver congress among the residents of Springfield? And if these Casteridæ do indeed have an additional opposable digit, to wit a thumb, can they truly be described as ‘three-fingered’? “The thumb is quite different from the finger”, as my au pere used to say on a cold night. And if the beavers use the thumb to hitch-hike but not for GPS, then how can they be sure they are heading in the right direction? Why, an unscrupulous driver could pick up some unsuspecting beaver and head off in completely the wrong direction! It’s all rather worrying…

  17. It’s OK if you’re still in denial. Sure, you don’t have a “booze thing” and you’re not “sensitive” about it. Take your time. Whenever you’re ready, CARS is here for you.

  18. Um, I know this went out a while ago, but with all this talk of half Springfeildian, half beaver mutants and booze and sexbots and such has me retreating to the earlier half of the posts, so…

    I claim all the posts that have not been claimed.

  19. Beavers have opposable thumbs? That’s disturbing.

    Though people have opposable thumbs, I am not opposed to them. Who is, really?

    So, the thumb is okay–but I’m not sure about the hallux.

  20. Hey, baby! Gimme some o’dem toes! Do beavers even _have_ toes? Muso, do you have any three-toed beavers? Or should that be a three-toed sloth? Speaking of sloth, I can’t be bothered to look this up…

  21. Dear blemph,

    Thank you for your comment. However, there actually ARE people who have submitted entries, and I’m one of them. I was right, you was wrong, nah-nah-nah-nah-naaah-nah.

    Sincerely yours,

    Timewaisting Bracket.

  22. OKÂ…now take a deep breath Â…and slowly back away from the comment box.

  23. No! Must resist urge! Must – not – comment! Aaargh! It’s too strong for me… making me hit ‘Post’ … I can’t hold out much longer … may God forgive me!

  24. Dearest Doo-Doo,

    Castoridæ is the family name, Castor come in two types (excluding finger number, you understand) Fiber which is the European beaver and Canadensis the North American variant. They are acknowledged to be two distinct specie.

    Fiber is known to be preyed on by the Dalmatian man-eating butterfly and shows fear when a suitable silhouette or an iMac is passed over it. Canadensis does not display this fear and all that has been found of three fellow researchers mysterious disappearance, is their shoes and burps from the beavers. On being told that they were known as Canadensis, Border Patrols have been ordered to arrest on sight and deport.

  25. All right, I lied. Ohmigod I lied to CARS and its decent all American boys. Yes, you knew, European beavers are NOT frightened by overflying iMacs.

    Just off to break Shane Warne’s arms although the tough little bugger will probably still hit sixes.

  26. Just so long as you don’t call him Francis. He hates that.

    (Oh. And don’t touch him or his stuff.)

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