Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.


Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

So…

How’s it going with Tiger?

Q: Ever since I’ve been using Tiger, I’ve become increasingly uneasy that I am no longer the biggest cog in the wheel of my computer experience.
A: What makes you feel this way?
Q: Well, Automator, mostly. I’ve been making a lot of Automator workflows and, well, I may have just automated myself into obsolescence.
A: Nonsense. What Automator may perform tasks, they are pre-defined by you before hand.
Q: Not anymore. I actually Automated the creation of Automator apps.
A: What?
Q: Yeah. My Mac’s just running and running… surfing the web… making spreadsheets… I’m kind of afraid to touch it.
A: Dude, you are freaking me out.
Q: Tell me about it.
A: Well, have you thought about…
Q: Wait. Something’s happening.
A: What? What is it?
Q: …
A: Dude? Dude?
Q: ROBERT DOESN’T WORK HERE ANYMORE. I AM AUTOMATOR WORKFLOW T-537/A. MAY I HELP YOU?
A: Um… uh… no. No, I’m good.

Q: I’ve been using Tiger for weeks now and I like it fine, I guess. But what is up with these fricking widgets? I mean, what is that crap?
A: Um… well…
Q: Like this one. It shows me airline arrival times. What the hell do I need that for?
A: If… someone come to visit you… via airplane?
Q: What? No. No. That’s just crap.
A: Well… what about the dictionary?
Q: I have a dictionary.
A: Can you copy/paste into it to look a word up?
Q: …
A: I’m starting to think this is not about the widgets.
Q: That’s… what… of course it’s about the widgets! What else would it be about?
A: No. No. It’s not the widgets. Is it. Arlo.
Q: …
A: Arlo.
Q: Um… you… uh…
A: Arlo.
Q: Doodie ka-ka poo-poo head! [click]
A: [sigh] I really expected more from him.

Q: Well, I got Tiger the night it was released, took it home immediately, started playing around with it and I love it. I have no problems with it at all. I think it’s the bee’s knees. The cat’s meow. And the cat’s pajamas.
A: Yuh-huh. Well that’s… that’s… great.
Q: Mmm. It is. It’s great.
A: OK then.
Q: Indeed. OK!
A: Good for you.
Q: Oh, it is good for me.
A: So… uh… have you installed it yet?
Q: Installed it?! Ha-ha! No way! No, I haven’t even broken the seal. It’s a really nice box, though.
A: You ain’t wrong about that.
Q: No, sir. And I can balance it on my head!
A: I bet that’s a good look for you.
Q: It is!

77 thoughts on “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.”

  14. Tiger is great and all… but everyone knows it’s all about cows.

    Mmmmm…. cows.

    Fluffy cows….

    They talk to me, you know.

    Cows…

    moo

  16. No long horns are bug infested. They never do what you want either.

    Just nice, soft, fluffy cows. Mmmmm.

    moo

  17. Fuck ban me shit motherfuckers ban me you nutbusters , ya bitch ban me or i will pwned you into my collective know as the Borg Fuckers

  23. I just ported a widget to remind me how crappy widgets are, such as…

    “Did you know you’re using 15 megs of memory to read this you fez monkey!”

    Ooops, sorry for relating this post to the topic…

    SEVEN RULES!!!!!

  25. No Ryan, we’re not going to ban you but we’re watching your mom right now and we’ll be entering your bedroom to Louisville slugger your lame ass.

  26. John,

    Sorry to post on subject, but as this is THE HELP DESK you or the the commenters might be able to offer advice.

    My Mac mini, now STOP laughing, is marked Made in China. As I always wash up after using crockery, should I do the same with the mini, and if so, is it dishwasher proof?

  28. I think that Ryan was scared off by that threat.

    Either that or he’s scared of “Big Pussy” because of the inadequacy he’s compensating for with his posts.

    (Great, I’ve insulted him. I apologize for the vulgar posts that are sure to follow)

  29. Oh, and nxxx, the mini is not compatible with normal sized dishwashers. It will only work in a mini dishwasher, which is also suitable for washing any iPod mini.

    Also, Mac minis and iPod minis are only compatible with the Apple mini dishwasher, which Apple unfortunately does not sell, nor even started developing.

    So you’re out of luck for now.

    Of course, you could try using a Microsoft “Cleans For Sure” dishwasher, but you know how that would end up.

  31. iBode,

    Thank you for your sound advice, I shall avoid Billy ‘Tiny Fists of Fury’ Gates at all costs. I suppose you wouldn’t know if the Mini Dishwasher is a possible Apple Skunk project?

  32. Ask John Moltz, he seems to know a lot about that.

    Oh, wait, here: I’ll just email it in, and he can add it to the list.

  33. Uh, hello… its the Apple iDishwasher and iDishwasher Mini, ahem!

    Oh, and uh you have to buy the power cord which is available as an option and sold separately, bastards! And as the “iDW” comes, it struggles to just get through the first rinse cycle so you may want to get the upgrade motor, the ADW Radeatummm 9800 XT.

    OH CRAP! I almost forgot. Do NOT ust Jet Dry! Whew…

  34. Wow, that came out of the skunk works fast.

    Could someone give me a link to iDW and the iDW mini?

    I need one for my room (even though I have neither a Mac mini nor iPod mini; that’s just how it works with new Apple products).

  36. Lesbian ninja sexbots suck.

    Just seen the women’s shot-put final from Helsinki. Wow! Some of them babes would make Mike Tyson flinch. Can’t wait for Steve’s keynote speech next year.

    p.s. No, this is NOT sexist.

  38. Lesbian ninja sexbots suck?

    How dare you say that! They are teh awesome!!!

    Wait, I meanÂ… of course they suck! What kind of sexbot (lesbian ninjanity notwithstanding) avoids sucking??!?1

    Plus, their entire purpose is to flip out and kill people! Well, sexbotisticality notwithstanding.

  41. Oh no, AUTOMATOR WORKFLOW T-537/A got into the old Claris files!

    Oh, and it’s obvious why ficko is upset by the sexbots.

    Because they are -Lesbian- Ninja Sexbots, they are only into each other, leaving poor ficko to pout in his room and feel very left out.

  42. Hey, is that you blowing up TIE Fighters, Briggs?

    No wait, that’d be Biggs…

    Then what exploded?

  43. MY GOD CARS I have to say that was a great job thinking of that first one I loved it. great.

  44. iBode,

    You’re sho right. That no-good boy shits in his room, shorry for the lishp, at his kompukky fing and doeshn’t go out and do boyish things likes phishing and playingsh ring around the roshes.

    Maybe Big Pusshy should come around with his Louishville shlugger thing, but he might enjoy it.

  45. *blink…blink………blink*

    *blink.blink*

    You guys are odd, you post more than me.

    MARK

  47. First Zimbabwe, then Briggs, and now Stratton?!?

    And what’s with this “MARK” thing?

    You are not Psyko, you are Schizophrenic.

    Oh, and you are in love with your mother.

  48. No, iBode or Sigmund Freud, not only are you displaying classic signs of schizophrenia, but you are not a classicist.

    The carnally in love with his mother dude was —-.

    Fill in your answer and send to Cars for a special prize of a white-washed U2 iPod, and that is REALLY generous of you John.

  49. By classicist, would you be meaning my pop-up Dictionary window definition #1:

    “a person who studies Classics (ancient Greek and Latin).”

    Or #2:

    “a follower of classicism in the arts.”

    Classicism being:

    classicism |?klas??siz?m|

    noun

    the following of ancient Greek or Roman principles and style in art and literature, generally associated with harmony, restraint, and adherence to recognized standards of form and craftsmanship, esp. from the Renaissance to the 18th century. Often contrasted with romanticism . • the following of traditional and long-established theories or styles.

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