Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.


Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Crazy Apple Help Desk – the Noh version!

What is Noh?

If you gotta ask, you can’t afford it.

Q: Eeeeeeeeeeyooooooooooooo…
A: Um…
Q: Ooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaa…
A: You’re having a problem with…?
Q: Aaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyy…
A: Um… your… PowerBook?
Q: Yyyyyyyyyyiiiiiiiiiiiiii!
A: Oh, your iBook!
Q: Beeeeyoooooooooooooooooo…
A: You can’t get it connected to…
Q: Oooooooooop!
A: A closed Airport network!
Q: Oooooooooop!
A: Um, an Ethernet network!
Q: Oooooooooop!
A: Uh, a power outlet!
Q: Oooooooooop!
A: A large wheel of cheddar cheese!
Q: No, no, no! Oh, for crying out loud! I want to install a DVD burner in my Quicksilver! Jeez! You weren’t even close!
A: Oh. Huh. See, I just don’t get Japanese theater.

Q:
A: Uh… hello?
Q:
A: Oh, I see. You’re going to pantomime it to me, as in the play Dojoji. OK. Fire away.
Q:
A: Uh… your countless attempts to upgrade to Tiger without destroying your home directory have failed, bringing shame upon your house and your master?
Q:
A: No, huh? OK! OK! I’ve got it! Your Wall Street PowerBook won’t connect to an early model Studio Display, bringing shame upon your house and your master!
Q:
A: Dammit! I thought for sure that thing you were doing with your leg… OK. One more try. You’ve got a Mac mini you want to use as a web server but can’t get Apache running consistently on 10.3, bringing shame upon your house and your master!
Q: Ha-ha! No!
A: Ah, shoot!
Q: Yeah, no! It was “downloads of the most recent security update fail to complete on my Blueberry iBook with 10.4 installed, bringing shame upon my house and my master!”
A: Ooooooh, of course! That was the leg thing!
Q: Right! Right! That was “security update”!
A: Sure… ack, it seems so obvious now, you know?
Q: Well, sure, but don’t beat yourself up. This was Kyushu style.
A: Ah, I thought I detected an accent!

Q: Wait a minute, wait a minute. You’ve totally mixed up Noh and Kabuki.
A: What? No I haven’t.
Q: Yes you have! In Noh, the actor moves in such a way to suggest the insubstantiality of his appearance. That’s completely at odds with the last question. And it’s Kabuki plays that commonly revolve around Buddhist notions such as the law of retributive justice and the impermanence of things!
A: N-no it isn’t.
Q: Yes it is! You’ve completely misrepresented the art!
A: Well… so what?
Q: …
A: …
Q: Well, I hadn’t thought of it that way.
A: No. I don’t imagine that you did.

41 thoughts on “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.”

  4. Ummmm, hello? Am I alone here?

    :wimper: :sniff: :ack: (whatever that is…Moltz must be a cat owner…ack??? c’mon!)

  8. Humbly suggest that Moltz continues the Japanese cultural theme with Seppuku.

  12. I just produced a poo of epic proportions. Words cannot do it justice. It was… beautiful!

    Just wanted to share.

    moo

  13. Moltz, you have brought shame upon your house and master. The only way to restore honor is, as the Colonel suggested, to commit seppuku.

    Or continue writing funny stories. Whichever you prefer.

  14. But no commiting seppuku indoors. Slimy intestines are a horrible Occupational Health and Safety risk… it is fine to go out with a slash, but think of other people too. No need to cause sprained ankles with your death, you selfish bum.

  17. Huh?,

    Photograph it and see if you can get a late entry into the pimp ApplEx competition. It’s a sure-fire winner.

  18. Huh?

    Photograph it and see if John will let you have a late entry to the PimpApplEx competition. It’s a sure-fire winner.

  20. Biblical proportions?

    Oh, yes. The water parted when it entered.

    Truly amazing. But alas, it is gone now. Flushed into oblivion along with other less worthy poos. A kind of poo purgatory.

    moo.

  22. Can’t say as this Friday Help Desk was very interesting. Can we get back to cricket?

  26. Wow, this week’s help desk was the funniest thing I’ve read in a long time. Keep it up, or commit seppuku immediately!

    (posting from Tokyo)

  27. Some berk is using our beloved Prime Minister’s name in vain.

    ‘Our Tone’…………. types three words……………then pauses for………..a while before……………continuing and adding…………….that he is…………….a regular type……………of guy.

    In other words, he posts like he speaks. And then there is the complete lack of underarm sweat. Obviously bogus.

  28. Uh, if you raptured yourself laughing, wouldn’t you not exist on the mortal plane any more? Actually, if you can rapture yourself, should we all be worshipping you? Or perhaps you are a false messiah! Kill the false messiah!

  30. Overclocked Lemon,

    I’m so old, it would be a waste of time to kill me. Just be patient.

    On the technical side, what is the normal clock speed for a lemon?

    What speed are you clocked at?

    How did you achieve this divine state of overclockedness?

    Sorry to be so inquisitive, but I am trying to overclock a grape.

  35. Just pressed the blue John Moltz button on his “funniest comment” post and it put me into a loop.

    How the hell do you get out, or am I trapped in this Noh/Kubuki/Kyushu style play for ever.

    Heard of ‘Six Characters in Search of an Author’ but this is ridiculous.

  40. When john moltz (typed in blue) responds directly to a comment is it better than being the eleventh poster?

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