Video iPod To Be So Shweeeet.

Sources within Apple’s iPod division have slowly been leaking information about the video iPod (or “iPod video” as it will be marketed) which, it has now been confirmed, will be released at the special event the company has announced for October 12th.

According to sources, the video iPod – in addition to taking Apple’s consumer electronics masterpiece in an exciting new direction – will be “so shweeeet you will [experience a sudden, uncontrollable ejaculation].”

Specs of the iPod video passed to Crazy Apple Rumors Site show that the spectacular new device will be an iPod in most respects – small, easy to operate, with a high-speed USB 2.0 connector – but one that plays video.

Hence the name.

Apple believes it will be so friggin’ shweeeet that it will sell “like a billion of these things.”

Reports indicate the iPod video will be “utterly boss looking, with a color screen and shiny and white and maybe black and stuff and have some other things like video out or some shit.”

“We’re gonna sell like a billion of these things,” a source said.

“It’s an iPod… that plays video. You can watch video on it – like on the bus or in class or under your desk at work. You know, just kind of tucked under the lip of your desk so no one can see you.

“You know.”

The source then demonstrated with an iPod photo, tucking it just under the lip of a desk and looking at it out of the corner of his eye while tapping randomly at a keyboard.

“Like this…”

Analysts believe it is the ability of this new iPod to play video will set it above the other iPods, making it more attractive to potential buyers, particularly those who might like to watch video on a small, portable device.

It’s also friggin’ shweeeet.

“This is like an iPod but it plays video,” said an extremely earnest David Pogue of the New York Times. “I don’t know about you but I’m [physically aroused] right now.”

Pogue’s excitement – and that of many others in the Mac community – is expected to come to fruition next Wednesday.

38 thoughts on “Video iPod To Be So Shweeeet.”

  1. When will they release the iPod maxi? 200GBs for all the music you need, and absorbant. But seriously folks…

  2. my girlfriend doesn’t think that,

    “so shweeeet you will [experience a sudden, uncontrollable ejaculation].”

    is a good selling point.

  3. Of course, having leaked this information you must now be discharged…

    [experience a sudden, uncontrollable ejaculation].

    Leaked…huh, huh-huh-huh, he, uh…

  4. THE David Vogler?! I’m glad I found you. I had orange Gak when I was a kid, and while it was a big hit for a few days, it started to smell REALLY REALLY BAD after a period of time. And then my hands smelled bad.

    But seriously, they’re gonna sell like a billion of these things.

  5. Got it wrong again, John.

    It is going to be a portable water closet toilet called iLav and after further development Apple will introduce iBidet. Both will brighten up you lavatorial time with an iTunes facility, but video? Rubbish.

  6. i can’t wait to watch videos on a little screen that I can barely see, so I can spend even more time out of my day squinting at a screen and damaging my eyes. WWHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!

  7. You know, it sounds cool… but it would be great if it was friggin’ shweeeet.

    Like my pants.

    Except for that sudden, uncontrollable ejaculation I just had.

    And that was without the video pod…

    I am SOOO in trouble.


  8. Screw the iPod video (No I didn’t mean that literally so Stop that’s disgusting and I’m sure it voids your warranty.) I got my CARS t-shirt. It has the proud distinction of being the only YELLOW thing I own.

  9. It has been brought to my attention that I am too hard on John Moltz and his propensity for spelling errors. That is simply not true.

    For example: Congratulations, John, on spelling the word “fruition” correctly the first time.

    It must have been all the harder to concentrate while, um, certain “appendages” of yours were excited by the impending news of the iPod video.

    See? I’m not all that evil.

  10. Hehe,

    It’ll become known as the Eye-pod.


    (damn, I’ve…you know…schweeeet)

  11. er…..”appendages” plural?

    Are we talking toes here, or is there something John needs to tell us?

  12. At least the PSP has some real Hollywood movies that are simultaneously released to DVD and UMD. What exactly will an iPod video have?

    Music videos? Do they even make those any more? Even MTV2 hardly plays them.

    Animated album art?

    OpenGL cube-turning effects between songs? What?

  13. RE: the appendages issue. I do not disclose any information about my Black Market Appendage company’s business (look for the flyer on the last page of your iFlame manual). So I cannot say if Moltz is a customer or not, nor can I disclose if he is the only person to purchase more appendages of a sort than Cai. Also I cannot wonder aloud why anyone would purchase 7 in the extra-small variety.

  14. When will they release the iPod maxim? 200GBs for all the, um, music you need, and absorbant. But seriously folks…

  15. you guys have it all wrong. The iPod video is just that, a video of an iPod. Watch it play through Steve Job’s own playlist(s). The earbuds are sadly nowhere near the mic, so you do not get to hear the music in question. On the other hand, it neatly avoids any entanglements with the RIAA. The ultimate in recursive marketing. An avant gaurd tour de force.

    The sequel “iPod Shuffle video” is currently in the works. Since the entire film can just be one still of the shuffle, the production team has opted to spend the remainder of the budget on the WHISKEY and BLACKJACK extensions planned for the next release of OSX.

  16. Sorry, I’m late to the party as usual of late. Doesn’t matter though; I’ll just hang out over here by the sofa, out of the way, and wait until someone comes over.

    Then I’ll say, “They’ll sell bilions and billions. They should call it the Carl Sagan. He can’t sue them now.”

  17. I’d projectile vomit on the Dalai Lama and then wipe him off with the Shroud of Turin for a iPod vIdeo!

    Too many funny comments to comment on, so I shant be commenting on them individually or specifically, hence my meta-reference to them explaining my lack of verbosity in the area of the above mentioned “funny comments.” I like the word “shant” it reminds me of the word “shat.”

  18. When are the porn UMD’s coming out? I won’t get one until I can sneak it in the can and….never mind! They better make a water-proof case for the video iPod. I’d hate to work in returns on this one….”What is this stuff in your click wheel sir?”

    What? That isn’t what a portable video device is for?? Fine!

  19. Thank god they’re coming out with the iPod Video.

    I’ve been goofin’ at work by watching movies I’ve sketched on pads of Post-It notes. I was kinda getting tired of watching two cars crashing over and over and over. The credits are still cool though…ME!

  20. But when, oh God, when will they finally cowboy up and release the GD iPod rodeo? I mean, I’ve been waiting like, way longer than all of those creepy video nerd people. When when when are they going to realize that we clowns have needs too? Oh, and no scratches. Cuz I’ll be keeping it in my little rodeo clown pocket and I do a lot of clown dancing and stuff.

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