Tomorrow's products today

As you know, we here at Crazy Apple Rumors Site are plugged in to the highest levels of Apple’s executive management.

(You know what’s really crazy? That’s actually true. Or used to be.)

So, needless to say, we know exactly what the company is announcing tomorrow and are here to reveal them now so you don’t even have to bother tuning in on Wednesday or read any Internet reports or wait until Thursday to read about them in the “news”-paper so just *go to bed, old man!*

The all-new iTV – Apple has completely reconceived the Apple TV, making it smaller, iOS-based and 100% more trademark-infringing. Or is that 200%? Well, whatever, it won’t matter because the new device is so jeans-creamingly good that customers and competitors alike will simply choose to gird their loins in plastic rather than give it up (girding your loins in plastic is just good hygienic sense anyway). According to sources, Apple has found a way to provide an almost infinite supply of content for virtually nothing. The company has circumvented the stringent entertainment company licensing restrictions by simply streaming the content from the future when it’s no longer covered under copyright.

“We had to go pretty far into the future,” the CARS source said, “Because Congress and then the American Socialist Party Commissariat and then the Glaxxon Squid Imperium and then the Robot Hive Collective and finally the All-Knowing Unimind keep extending the copyrights. But, about fifteen hours before the sun goes nova, everything is copyright-free!”

Apple will charge a dollar an episode simply to cover timeshifting costs.

The new iPod touch – Will gain not only front and back cameras, but also side cameras that will make it easier to parallel park in tight spaces.

The all-new iPod nano – The nano will go square and gain a touch-sensitive screen that will be able to run App Store apps in a tantalizing mode known as “so small as to be unviewable”. The iPod nano will have 187 cameras on it facing in all directions.

The new iPod shuffle – The current iPod shuffle has proved to be only modestly popular because of the tiny form factor and the complicated click-navigation system. Recognizing this, Apple has decided to flex of its innovative might and eschew form factor entirely. Instead, the iPod shuffle will be sold as a concept. “The new iPod shuffle concept allows users to think about music in ways they never could before,” the source said. “The problem with listening to music is that you are restricted by the artists’ interpretations. But most people are unable to make their own music that doesn’t just suck. The iPod shuffle concept solves this dichotomy.”

With the iPod shuffle concept, users will conceive their own musical paradigms in a Platonic framework provided by Apple that brings order to the formless cacophony of their stunted capability for musical expression. The iPod shuffle concept retains the $59 price tag but requires commitment to an immersion program that lasts 3 months. The battery is not user-serviceable.

That’s it!

So, kind of a slow year.

Joz's Children Have No Zunes

Apple vice president of iPod and iPhone Product Marketing Greg “Joz” Joswiak harbors a secret in his home: His children have no Zunes.

Hard as this is to believe in 2009, when Microsoft’s music player is found in dozens of households around the world, Joz’s children are forbidden to own the device made by Apple’s fiercest competitor for music-playing hardware.

In a recent interview with Guitar World Magazine, Joz’s wife, “Linda,” reluctantly told a reporter that, “Zunes are banned from our household.”

Acknowledging the strain this puts on her, “Linda” explained, “Every now and then I look at my friends and say, ‘Wouldn’t it be great if we all went out and bought Zunes and then purchased some music and used Wi-Fi on the Zunes to share the music with each other for a limited period of time?’ My friends press the pause button on the headphone cords for their new tiny iPod shuffles and say, ‘Huh?’ But it still stings.”

Joz’s children, Clarus, Luxo, and OpenDoc, have also never known the joy of firing up Windows Vista, cursing, rebooting, cursing, rebooting again, installing hundred of megabytes of critical updates, rebooting, installing anti-virus updates, rebooting, waiting for a system scan to complete, and then having Internet Explorer 7 improperly render a standards-compliant Web page and crash, and then reinstalling the operating system.

“It’s hard on the kids, because when they go to school – a special school that they use a scramjet to attend and which is carved out of the side of a skull-shaped island – and tell their friends about how they were watching movies on an iPod or playing games on their iPhone or using a Mac to create a movie from video they shot from their manned mission to Mars, the other kids just stare at them in blank comprehension,” “Linda” said. “Of course, all the other children have Apple equipment.”

Joswiak’s children may find iPods and iPhone littering every surface in their home – their fleet of Roombas crunches up a dozen or more a day – but there’s not a single Windows Mobile powered phone to be found.

“Fuck no,” said “Linda.” “Are you fucking insane? Have you fucking used Windows Mobile? With the OK button up in the corner? And the fucking fuckety fuck fucked up interface? Really, I know you’re smoking pot, but are you on crank and ecstacy, too? Fucking moron.”

Apple Offers New "Tour" Video.

Apple is offering yet another video introduction to one of the company’s most discussed products. Hosted by “John” of “Leopard Tour” fame, the “Tour of iPod Socks” was release late this afternoon to the bewilderment of many.

While instructional videos are generally considered a plus, Apple followers were at a loss to explain why the company would release one concerning nothing more than a knitted sleeve you slide your iPod into to protect it from scratches.

“I don’t even think they make iPod socks anymore,” said a confused Walt Mossberg of the Wall Street Journal. “Do they? I hope not.”

At the time of publication, no one Crazy Apple Rumors Site reporters spoke with had been willing to waste the time to download the video, so no one was able to discuss why it was over a half hour long.

“You slide it in, you slide it out,” said Macworld associate editor Dan Moren. “What the hell could they possible have to discuss in a half an hour? How to launder them?”

Pausing momentarily and stroking his beard, Moren said “Hmm. It could be how to launder them.”

Sources at Apple defended the decision to waste their time to create this video and offer it for download from iTunes.

“Hey, there are a good fifteen or twenty people who’ve bought iPod Socks,” said iPod product marketing manager Stan Ng. “That’s well worth the, um, $100,000 we spent creating this video.”

Ng shuffled his feet uncomfortably for a minute.

“Actually, um, no it’s not. At a price per unit of $29 that’s just not possible. I realize that. It’s, um, it’s… I didn’t… er…

“It was Phil [Schiller]’s idea.”

Suddenly, Mossberg burst into the room and exclaimed “Oh, my god! They do still sell them! Does this make sense to anyone?!”

Mossberg was followed by Moren who said “You know, it could be that long to discuss how to strategically dry the iPod Socks in order to move down from the older units that used larger hard drives to new units.”

In the confusion of the appearance of Mossberg and Moren, Ng escaped through a side door.

iPod Allegedly Sets Man's Pants On Fire.

According to reports late last week, an iPod nano ignited in the pants of Hartsfield-Jackson Atlanta International Airport employee Danny Williams, sending flames shooting up his body.

He was not seriously injured which granted WSBTV free license to refer to the incident as Williams’ “15 minutes of flame” [Editor’s Note: That. Is. Awesome. Kudos to you, WSBTV!].

The Apple web community – sensing a potential black mark on the pants of Apple’s reputation – went into a level 10 Artie MacStrawman alert and leapt to the nano’s defense.

Because that’s how we roll.

“I’d like to know more about his pants,” said Daring Fireball’s John Gruber. “Were they cotton? Polyester? Some kind of blend? Different pants have different ignition thresholds, you know. A poorly constructed pair of corduroys, for instance, will combust all on their own if the wearer has meaty thighs. Really. I read that in Gentlemen’s Pantaloons Quarterly. Yes, I am a subscriber.”

Gruber then challenged Williams to ignite a pair of pants in a controlled environment using an out-of-the-box nano.‘s John C. Welch took a break from his honeymoon to ask “What is it with these iPod-tards?! First the iPod’s battery doesn’t hold enough of a charge and now it holds too much?! Which is it, people?!

Noted author Dori Smith asked “Has anyone considered how Steve Jobs feels about this? I bet he feels horrible. Just horrible. Poor Steve. He works so hard. It’s a shame something like this should have to happen to him.

“Steve, I mean.”

While not coming down strongly anti-Williams, Merlin Mann mused “I’m sure there are a lot of people who would, at least metaphorically, love to have themselves ‘set on fire’ by music. In that regard, Williams is a very, very lucky man.

“Also, it strikes me that getting burned horribly by an iPod truly is a first-world problem! People in the third world can only dream of something like that! Ha-ha! Am I right? Because, um, they don’t have lithium. Or, possibly, even ions. I’m not sure about that. I’ll have to ask Alex Lindsey.”

It should also be noted that no one knows if Williams was vigorously rubbing the iPod inside his pants in some sort of heat-generating act of perversion.

When reached for comment, Apple announced that it would be releasing flame-retardent iPod pants that will sell for $125 a pair. Strangely, the company said that only Apple-branded flame retardent pants will “work with” the iPod and that everyone would have to buy their pants from Apple from now on and not some other pants because their pants were special and just shut up and fork over the $125 already.

Apple Recalls iPods.

In a disappointing setback for Apple’s new line, the company recalled all iPod models today, citing problems with the manufacturing process at the Chinese plants that make them.

According to iPod marketing manager Stan Ng, the primary reason the iPods are being recalled is because they’re smothered in lead.

“Yeah, I don’t have a really good explanation for it,” said Ng. “Kinda slipped by us. Whoops. Uh, sorry for the brain damage! Sorry.

“Whatever you do, don’t put it in your mouth. If you’ve got a toddler or infant, keep them far, far away from them. One lick and they’ll be as dim as a 10-watt bulb.”

Sources that declined to be identified said that high lead content wasn’t the only problem Apple had found with iPods manufactured in Chinese plants. These sources say that Apple has found the following in iPods:

  • Tainted plastics.
  • Tainted flash memory.
  • Tainted dog food.
  • Tainted tiger testicles.
  • The song “Tainted Love”, by Soft Cell.

Apple will be initiating an iPod return program similar to what it conducted for exploding laptop batteries. Users will be sent shipment boxes along with rubber gloves for handling the units. Tainted iPods will be loaded into an Atlas rocket and shot into the sun.

“We, uh, couldn’t think of anything else to do with them,” Ng said. “It’s expensive, but you can’t say it won’t solve the problem.”

Apple said that it has severely chastised its Chinese suppliers. For their part, the suppliers feigned surprise that Apple didn’t want some nice lead in its iPods.