Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Today the Help Desk handles your questions about legal actions against Apple!

Q: I read today that Apple’s already facing a class action lawsuit because the nano scratches too easily. Now, I don’t own a nano, but I’d like to get myself some of that sweet Apple lawsuit action. How can I get me some of that?
A: Well, do you own any other Apple products?
Q: Let me look around. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, no.
A: That’s OK. It’s not necessarily a requirement. Here, let’s try this out. A lot of people have complained about the fact that the iPod batteries are not easily replaceable. Does the thought that the iPod batteries are not easily replaceable cause you mental anguish?
Q: Um… yes! Yes, it does!
A: Then you’ve got yourself a lawsuit, mister!
Q: Wow!
A: How dare they cause you to think of the suffering of Apple customers who have to send their iPods out to get their batteries replaced!
Q: Yeah!
A: You don’t need that!
Q: No way! Not after I crashed that bus full of nuns!
A: You… crashed a bus full of nuns?
Q: Oh. Yeah. But it’s cool. Nuns aren’t very litigious.
A: I… see.

Q: I’m a little confused by all the different Apple lawsuits out there and I’m hoping you can set me straight. Now, I know Creative has made idle threats to sue Apple because it was granted a patent to pretty much the only obvious interface for a digital music player. But so far they haven’t sued, right?
A: That’s right.
Q: OK. And Microsoft has only coyly made reference to the fact that it was granted a patent to a scroll wheel like the one on the iPod, but has not sued.
A: Correct again.
Q: OK. But what other companies have lowered their sunglasses to look at Apple’s ass as it walked by?
A: Well, we’ve heard that just this week Adobe has looked lustfully at Apple as it shook its Aperture moneymaker.
Q: Oooh, yeah. That’s nasty.
A: And then this hardware manufacturer was literally humping the remote control for the new iMacs.
Q: Oh, man! That is messed up! That is freak-ay! Whoooo! Yeah! Ai-ai-ai-ai-ai! Oh, momma!
A: …
Q: Ha-ha! Yes!
A: …
Q: Uh… heh.
A: …
Q: I… took it too far again, didn’t I?
A: You should seek professional help.

Q: I’m involved in several Apple lawsuits and I’m having a hard time keeping track of them all. PowerBook battery, nano scratching, iBook battery, original iPod battery, personal injury…
A: Personal injury?
Q: I was using iPhoto and I accidentally cropped my head off.
A: But that’s… just a picture.
Q: Yes, but the picture’s ruined now.
A: You can just revert it to the original.
Q: I don’t know how to do that.
A: You could just check on Apple’s support site.
Q: I could what? Look, anyway, my question is, is there a software application that can easily keep track of lawsuits?
A: Um, no. Not that I know of.
Q: Well, shoot. You know, why doesn’t Apple make something? I mean, there’s a need out there. I can see a nice brushed metal interface, with a list down the left to organize your lawsuits. It’s a natural. But where’s Apple? Where’s Apple? WHERE ARE YOU APPLE?
A: Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me…
Q: I’m gonna… I’m gonna sue them.

42 thoughts on “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.”

  1. I think Microsoft and Creative are not willing to risk suffering the revenge of the mighty steevo. I hear his gruesome tactics are gruesome.

  2. they should call it iSue … and promptly get sued by every person called Sue. that guy who ‘crashed’ the bus of nuns – do you mean he crashed into with a car of something? or did he crash it like you crash a party. if it’s the second, he must’ve been really disappointed.

    guy crashing bus “PAAR .. oh, you’re all praying. interesting.”

  3. I’m gonna sue CrazyAppleRumors.

    For “Too much healthy laughts during business hours”.


  4. No, no, no. The guy who crashed the bus was driving it. And he crashed. Funny thing, they only provide airbags to the driver of the bus…

  5. Moltz isn’t one to FIGHT. You should know that by now. He’ll more likely sneak over to MacWorld’s offices and put thumb tacks on Snell’s chair and shaving cream on his phone handset.

    I can see it now…Tee, hee, hee.

    Snell: Cindy could you come here and take a dict… YEOW! What thuh?? YOUCH! Oh thats it, I’m calling maintenance…Ah jeez…who’s the wizenheimer! I’m gonna open up some whoop-ass, uh huh!

  6. Okay, but if everyone is Moltz, then aren’t we all screwed? I mean, the guy has an empty life, devoid of love or any meaningful future. It’s just a matter of time before he swallows his attempt at a claymation lesbian ninja sexbot to end his agony. You can do what you want there, fella, but I plan to be one Moltz personality that survives, that makes it to that big, bright happy place that John can’t quite seem to find! I plan to cross over to the Promised Land where cynicism and chronic doubt have no place, where the Power Macs are Cell-powered, the iPods sport 32-bit porn, and Bill Gates hands the towels out in the men’s room! The place where all the whisky is single-malt, Masako is hetero, and the sun always shines tomorrow. The sun WILL come out tomorrow! Just thinkin’ about tomorrow clears away the cobwebs, and the sorrow! I love yas, tomorrow!

    You’re always a day A…WAAAAYYYY!





  8. Leibnitz, N is just Moltz trying to stir up some sympathy and appreciation for himself.

    Man, The Invisible Evil Photo Editors’ Choir is out for blood today.

    Guard your Flickr accounts.

  9. I must protest against all this criticism being piled upon John.

    Like Mark Anthony, John Moltz is the noblest of the Romans. Okay, he doesn’t actually come from Rome, but……..

  10. I sue M. Jobs for wearing the same turtle-collar as me.

    I sue CARS for the greyish green (or is that a greenish grey? Some kind of pastel khaki?) that makes me sick.

    I sue Apple for (fill in yrself)

  11. You know in the MacWorld story comments, Jason Snell hints that he may be responsible for this CARS story.

    This has got me all turned around about John being all the characters/commenters here.

    I’ve spent the weekend going through the CARS archives and have recognised the writing styles of the following:

    Walt Mossberg

    Greg Sandoval

    Jannelle Brown

    Dori Smith/Tom Negrino (the same person)

    John Markoff


    Ayn Rand

    Barbara Cartland

    Susan Sontag

    It’s become clear to me that John Moltz is a fiction created by technology writers and philosophers to express their true feelings on the subjects they write about. I don’t know how to explain Barbara Cartland though, especially since she’s been dead for five years.

  12. Scratches? you guys got SCRATCHES?!? mine is completely scratch-free!

    I’m suing BIG-time now….

  13. I’m suing Apple because my 5 year old PowerBook isn’t as fast as the brand new ones.

    Also I’m suing Apple because the the closest Apple stores are 2 hours away from where I live.

    While we are on the subject I’m suing Apple because they haven’t put M$ out of business yet and I’m traumatized from having to deal with Windows computers at work.

  14. Hah You’ll never be able to deliver your summons because the person would be looking for a MALE Del.

    That and I iFlame anyone who tries and deliver a summons.

  15. The convent is indeed suing the young man in your helpful desk article. We’re suing him for damages to the bus, damages to the souls we were praying for on our way to the Tri-state Bingo Showdown. We were going to sue him for damaging our St. Christopher statue on the dashboard but it just didn’t sound right.

    We’re also suing Crazyapple Rumor site for referring to us without permission, for repeatedly using the offensive term S-E-….you know what it is, and for never featuring a Roman Catholic in one single story!

    We are also interested in some of that “we don’t own an apple product but have been traumatized by their poor quality” unction since we have a special novena for technology.

    Now let’s all do the Rosary together and trot off to confession. Moltz goes last as he’ll be there the longest.

  16. Where did you hear that?

    Cause that’s the biggest piece of crap I’ve ever heard.

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