Apple Sues Customers.

After being on the receiving end of class action lawsuit after class action lawsuit, Apple is finally firing back at its customers, counter-suing them for more than $1.2 billion.

Apple claims its customers “have initiated frivolous lawsuits against [the company] – for matters as trivial as scratches, a tendency to burst into flames and, once, ‘squeezability’.” The company is seeking an injunction against all current litigation, damages of $700 million for restraint of trade and $500 million for emotional suffering.

Legal experts believe it is the first suit of its kind since 1878, when the railroad industry attempted to sue its riders for $50,000 of “uncharged wear to leather seating due to customers’ inordinately ample posteriors.”

Despite its unusual nature, Apple representatives defended the action.

“All of these frivolous class action lawsuits have tarnished our good name,” said General Counsel Nancy Heinen. “We need to defend ourselves against our customers, who are negatively impacting our business.”

Far from being concerned about potentially alienating customers, Apple sources who declined to be identified said their primary concern was that the company put up with the abuse for so long, that it may have relinquished any legal right to seek damages.

Despite this concern, Heinen indicated that all Apple customers will be served some time next week.

Passive-aggressively, however, she also noted that the company has some great items on sale at the Apple Store.

“New displays on the PowerBooks!” Heinen said, cheerfully. “People should… check ’em out.

“Just… you know… expect some bad pixels… and whatnot…

“Flames… etc.”

25 thoughts on “Apple Sues Customers.”

  1. First post to specify first post!

    so relative, this will be the first post, just to provide you wit a point of reference.

  2. What accessories will come with the suits, that’s what I’d like to know?

    Socks? Will there be an FM transmitter so you can have it served over your car radio? Will there be a wide variety of cases for the suit?

    Cases for the suit…that is soooo clever!

    Probably 11th or 4th.

  3. How sad. I’m having to stop the tears dropping on the keyboard in case it shorts out, and some bastard sues Steve.

    Saint Steven we are unworthy of you, and as such are going to commit mass suicide.

    You first Moltz.

  4. The great thing about Nancy Heinen’s name is that with the slight omission of the last letter, it becomes “heine” (rhymes with whiny).

    Just a quick observation.

    Also note the reference to heinies in the story…

  5. Someone else has claimed the “Eleventy First” post, which we all know, thanks to Bilbo Baggins, is 111.

    So 11 is still up for grabs.

  6. somethingth or somethingelseth from Dr Eriks reference point!

    I’d like to see someone take something-plus-oneth what with me occupying this place with my inordinately ample posterior.

  7. I really have nothing to add. Besides, I’m being sued. And I’m bursting into flame. I guess I’m being sued for being too flamable. By Apple’s standards.

  8. In a related story, Bill Gates, CEO of Microsoft, announced that his company was filing a lawsuit against all Windows users for wanton stupidity. The suit seeks $17 trillion for pain and suffering, and an extra $3 billion for Gate’s change purse.

    When asked to explain the rationale for the lawuit, Gates said, “No one should be allowed to be so stupid as to use software that’s as sucky and bloated as ours. Can’t these people see that it was never about the service? That it was about crushing our competitors?” which he followed with a twirl of his moustache and an evil laugh.

    When asked for additional comment, Microsoft President Steve Ballmer simply pounded his chest, let loose a series of unintelligible sounds, and flung his feces at reporters.

  9. “We need to defend ourselves against our customers, who are negatively impacting our business.”

    That’s a page out of the RIAA playbook right there.

  10. You forgot the trivial “not bursting into flames” law suit brought against Apple and myself for a bad batch of iFlames. I know better than to give Cai the job of updating their firmware before shipping the final product.

    For some odd reason if the firmware isn’t updated worms come out of it and not flame. I guess that caused some minor problems for the anti-zombie squads that use them.

  11. Like the fellow in the film “Clerks” said, it would be a great job if it weren’t for the customers.

  12. There, you see? Prayer works! The sisters’ devotion to Our Lady of Perpetual Class Action (we call her ‘Sue’) has brought this about. Novice Candi saw it in a vision she had last night. We all assume that was what all the moaning was and why Fr. Chester visited so late.

    The Convent is considering joining the Apple to make it a class action law suit. But the Microsoft case seems stronger to us. It is just that Mr. Balmer frightens the sisters so.

  13. Apple touched me inappro- inaprop- inapprip- touched me in the wrong way. I’m suing!

  14. Post index #25, actual post #23, and I’m claiming post #11 too. So THERE!!!

    UhhhDude, is correct, except that I do not have a mustache. It’s not that I haven’t *tried* to grow one, it’s just that I can’t for some reason. Most likely that I’m still going through puberty. Balmer on the other hand is as furry as a mountain gorilla, and interestingly actually smells an awful lot like the original. The poop flinging just goes with his nature. He’s rather good at it and very accurate over long distances, like at the annual shareholder’s meeting, or short conference room situations. We’re sort of a team. I sling my brand of shit, then if things are not going well he starts flinging “his brand” and we make our escape. Kinda like Batman and Robin, except that my Robin is a hulking simian with bad breath and a wicked-hairy back.

    We are also considering a suit against Apple for not holding our hand to properly design the interface when we ripped it off from the first Mac OS. This has hurt Microsoft in the industry in that we are not the only solution available. And it hurt me personally. I’m hurt now. Are you *HAPPY*, Apple?! Huh?! Are you?!?!

    [sigh, It’s me isn’t it?]

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