Off for a few days

Due to a pumpkin carving-related flesh wound (kids, don’t drink and carve), Crazy Apple Rumors Site will be off for a few days.

I know what you’re thinking. With a staff like ours, how is it that losing one guy to the DL can cause it to come to a grinding halt?

Well, Chet had a long-planned vacation with Emily, and while Ugluk’s an excellent networker, his copy need a lot of editing. I mean, while he’s getting more accurate, he’s still just banging on the keyboard with a rock.

And that’s it for writers, really. Thor pretty much gets to write his columns when he wants to – such is the nature of his contract.

He also gets to feed on our flesh if we ever get involved in a plane crash in the Andes.

Our HR lawyer really isn’t very good.

So rather than open the comments section up with the topic “What amazing things have you done with only one hand?”, I’ll ask “What was your worst self-inflicted injury?”

71 thoughts on “Off for a few days”

  1. Do I really have to wait till 12th post to comment on the story?

    Cause I wanna ask if marriage counts as a self-inflicted injury?

  2. What’s the worst injury you’ve ever inflicted on yourself with only one hand?

    Now THAT is a worthy question…

  3. One time I was masturbating and I [Omitted on request by the FBI, CIA, The People’s Republic of China, and Fred and Mary’s Nitting Store in West Southerland] which is why I’m not allowed near wooden statues of sheep.

  4. Too late. I did it.


    And I still have my two hands.

    (CARS Haïku)

    I remember having to show a desperate samouraï how to do seppuku properly.

    It hurts.

    But he did it nice.

  5. My worst self-inflicted injury was when I got mad about the Coke machine being busted for three days and stormed out of my job as a Playboy photographer.

    I thought they’d come crawling and beg me to come back, maybe even promising a lifetime supply of free Cokes.

    Turns out I could be easily replaced, after all.

  6. The most amazing thing I’ve done with one hand is take a stone knife and jam it between all my 19 times in 9.5 seconds. My worst self-inflicted injury could have been 20… 🙁

    Ugluk shouldn’t have given me that damn knife!

  7. “jam it between all my fingers 19 times”.


    Is there a better way to phrase that? Y’all know what I mean. …Right?

  8. For those who do not read the other posts: stop at the store today for after Halloween specials and get the child safe pumpkin carving knives. The rounded ends only bruise when you slip and jab yourself and they work surprisingly well to carve pumpkins.

    One to one-handed injuries. Once an old boyfriend locked his hand into my car. Yes he locked the door and proceeded to slam it on his hand. Since the door was locked he couldn’t open it to get his hand out. This is where I should probably mention I have a habit of laughing at inappropriate times.

    So his hand is locked in the door and I’m laughing so hard I can’t give him the keys to unlock it. Finally I collapse on the ground and I manage to toss him the keys and he was able to catch them. He was a little peeved after he unlocked his hand from the car door, but I didn’t stop laughing for probably 15 minutes afterwards.

  9. I will hold off on critiquing your grammar and spelling while you recuperate.

    On the other hand (no pun intended), you should already be used to typing with one hand, what with all that research you did on Jennifer Fricking Connelley and her nude pictures.

  10. t76ivt7p9248 FJP O-G8’R0-

    g asn; v ];

    asev vhio; U90 g SDV jio; avk’0


    Oops, me misspell that. Try again.

    t76ivt7p9248 FJP O-G8’R0-

    g asn; v ];

    aseb vhio; U90 g SPV jio; avk’0


    Better. Need to sharpen rock.

  11. Oh my, this is humerous indeed. Once, just once mind you, I was late for mid-afternoon, pre-vespers Mass and so I rushed into the chapel. Sister Debbi had over filled the holy water font as she is wont to do. What? It is true Sister and you know it! Sister Debbie is not perfect. Any way, I dunked my hand a little too vigerously as I rushed to the pew and splashed a bit on the smooth stone floor. As I attempted to do an emergency, high-speed genuflection pass I slipped and knocked over two rows of pews.

    We are currently suing the Apple in a class action suit. We believe they are ready to settle. You can’t fight Rome!

  12. My oh my! Who knew Del was cruel? Oh yeah, her old boyfriend.

    Two-wheelers can be such a pain. I rode one on a bridge grating and broke my thumb. Haven’t been able to hitchhike since.

  13. It’s not like I find other people’s injuries funny I find all injuries funny. I once was hiking and at one part you climb this nearly vertical makeshift bridge and the wood was wet. I slipped and slid the whole way down spraining an ankle and scrapping skin off just about everywhere, but I laughed for about 20 minutes after.

  14. How about an article from Howard or Masako? I think with some good voice recognition software Howard could take quite a bit of the load off the rest of you. Dogs are so willing to please.

  15. What a coincidence! I once locked my hand in a girlfriend’s car, but her name wasn’t Del and she drove off with it. (It was locked in the glove compartment.)

  16. once, i killed somone with by fecies. It was pretty nasty. Anywho.. I guess it was not.. pidgeons.

  17. Del,

    I ALWAYS knew that you had an extremely sensitive nature, well at least you didn’t have to wonder about that hand.

  18. Sir,

    Self inflicted wounds are an offence in the British Army, and if you were in my regiment, I’d have had you taken outside and shot.

    Disgusted Col Retd

  19. Here’s my wish-list: Marriage, a one-handedly self-inflicted injury, indeed. Voting Bush. Spilling hot coffee on pants. Signing resignation from Apple. Signing up to join the army. Misplacing condom. Typing an sms to girlfriend instead of bringing expensive ephemere flowers. Signing a check for Enron shares.

  20. How about clicking for posting here and then refreshining nervously this page waiting to get popular?

    But now it crossed my mind: I can simultaneously self-injure myself onedandedly twice, since I still have two hands. Like, sign up for the army and sign a marriage certificate at the same time, contemporaneously, that is.

  21. It’s almost Friday.. It’s almost Friday



    I just injured my hand doing that.

  22. Hey! The Des Col Ret is back!! Good to see you sir! Now, for being AWOL for too long you will be taken outside and shot.

    It was nice while it lasted.

  23. Everyone’s too busy self-injuring.

    except for Del, busy laughing at others self-injuring.

    Voting Bush must beÂ…painful. Almost like the bratwurst.

  24. Well, I never voted for Bush so I don’t know what that feels like (I can imagine that kind of dark and self-hating feeling though).

    One time I turned myself into a Newt. Really I did. Uh, well … I got better.


  25. Y’all have probably heard this already, but I just heard it today (coincidentally, I also saw my first 5G iPod today):

    PSP, or as some people call it, PlayStation Pornable, for its ability to carry so much porn. How will the public react to the new iPod video? One analyst remarked on this matter, saying “It’s obvious that the iPod will win this battle, seeing as you can use it with only one hand!

    Just my $0.02




  26. I’ve always found the meditative state one must achieve to self mutilate extremely Zen. After a good hacking session I feel so relaxed and ready to face the challenges of life without limbs.

    Wait a minute…

  27. i got attacked by a tin of corned beef once, nearly took my hand off. i was trying open it one-handed. those cans can be really vicious if you rile them.

    so now i get my friends to do it for me.

  28. I’m still going through my worst self-inflicted injury: I have to use a Windows PC at work.

    But wait! It gets worse.

    I’m also using Quark 6.5 for Windows.

    (Just kill me now. Or send me a PowerMac….)

  29. Looking into my Crystal ball……….

    2000Guitars is a ……… white male, ……. works for Halliburton or Exxon, …….. has no friends from New Orleans, ……….. feels that overturning Roe vs. Wade will magically make all unwanted pregnancies disappear …… uses Windows XP at the office, but is a closet Mac user at home.

    Am I right???

  30. Looking into my Crystal ball……….

    Del is a ……… Bionic Pony w/ dual mounted iFlames, ……. works for NKfWD (Ninja Kittens for World Domination), …….. has no friends from Mercury but several from Saturn, ……….. feels that overturning Roe vs. Wade would make them angry because they hate being upside down…… uses Windows at the office because it is nice to look outside while using your Mac.

    Am I right???

  31. Looking into my Crystal ball……….

    Moltz is a ……… mite whale, ……. works for the Seattle Mariners or is a layabout, …….. has no friends in the White House, ……….. feels that overturning Roe vs. Wade would increase the number of unwanted children in his immediate environment,…… uses Windows as a whipping boy to add spice to his wild speculations about Appledom while hunting and pecking at his Mac.

    Am I right???

  32. Hmmmmm…

    I’m a white male…

    I own a small independent gas station…

    I did notice a lot of Row vs. Wade going on IN New Orleans…

    I’m forced to use XP at work…

    Mac At Home Bay Beeeeee!!!

    Not bad for a $2 crystal ball!

  33. I know someone from New Orleans who was ousted by the hurricane.

    He’s a white conservative.

    What? You didn’t know there were any white people from down there, let alone conservatives?

    Stupid stereotypes.

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