Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Q: Do you know how much of a bad-assed mutha I am?
A: Uh, no. No, I don’t.
Q: I’m such a bad-assed mutha. Do you know what I did?
A: Uh…
Q: I bought a refurbished 12-inch PowerBook which I use on the road visiting clients… and I didn’t get the AppleCare protection. That’s right, bitch.
A: Wow.
Q: Damn! I am such a bad-assed mutha! I’m totally on the edge!
A: Mmm-hmm.
Q: See, no one’s gonna tell me to buy extra support.
A: I guess not.
Q: Like some pencil-necked geek at Apple’s going to tell me what to do!
A: Uh…
Q: Pff.
A: Uh, yeah, so… what’d you call me for?
Q: I, uh… I think… uh… my hard drive is hosed. I just, uh, get a question mark…
A: Uh, your street cred is dropping there, Shaft.
Q: I… I… I also have maaad Photoshop skillz…?
A: Mmm-hmm.

Q: My boyfriend recently bought a new iMac – one of the ones with the iSight camera built right in. It’s nice and I think it works fine and everything, but he put it in his bedroom and now… well… he won’t have sex with me in front of it.
A: I… see.
Q: We have to have sex in the living room. I don’t know why. He’s really squirrelly about it. And his living room carpet is Berber, so something has to be done.
A: Look, there is absolutely no reason you need to stand for this. Have you confronted him about it?
Q: Well… no.
A: You need to be open to him about your needs.
Q: OK.
A: You need to tell him in no uncertain terms that you want him to nail you in front of his iMac!
Q: Um… I don’t have to say “nail”, do I?
A: Walk right up to him an say “I demand that you nail me right in front of this iMac with the built-in iSight camera while the whole thing is streamed live over the Internet!”
Q: Uh… wait a minute. I don’t think that’s one of my “needs.” Maybe it’s one of your needs.
A: Oooh, baybee! You ain’t wrong about that! Eeeyow!
Q: You know, this is really frustrating because Chris Breen said exactly the same thing.

Q: I have recently replaced a number of Macs in my household and I’ve run up against a problem with iTunes. I forgot to de-authorize the old Macs and now I’ve used up my five machines and can’t add any more. I don’t have the old machines anymore, so I can’t de-authorize them and there’s seemingly no other way to do it.
A: There is… one other way. But… you wouldn’t be interested in that.
Q: Well, I really do need to know…
A: No, I… I couldn’t tell you. It involves… voodoo magic.
Q: What now?
A: Yes. Yes. Voodoo magic.
Q: How would voodoo magic help me authorize my new Macs on the iTunes Music Store?
A: Is that what you really want? To authorize some Macs on the iTunes Music Store or… do you want to control the dark and sinister forces of necromancy?!
Q: Well, I… I, uh…
A: What will it be?! Answer quickly!
Q: Um, um, the dark and sinister forces of necromancy! The dark and sinister forces of necromancy!
A: A wise choice. For once you control the dark and sinister forces of necromancy, you can…
Q: Use zombie powers to authorize my Macs?
A: Are you still on about that?! You know, I’m starting to think you’re not serious about learning the dark and sinister forces of necromancy!
Q: Wait, is that exactly the same thing as voodoo magic? Isn’t there more to voodoo magic than necromancy? I’m a little unclear on this.
A: Oh, look, let’s just forget the whole thing. Just call Apple support and have them deauthorize your old Macs. You’re clearly not ready for the powers of voodoo magic.
Q: What? You mean I can just call Apple support to do it? Why didn’t you say that? Why all this talk about voodoo magic and the dark and sinister forces of necromancy?
A: I… well… I have… a quota. My dark overlords command it.
Q: Sure they do.
A: They do so! They’re very insistent!

33 thoughts on “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.”

  1. Yep, it’s the covert ‘firstness’ that’s so cool.

    You ‘firsty-pants’ posters wouldn’t know how cool it is to privately read CARS first without posting your triumph to the world. But then, you don’t get to talk to any of the really cool kids, because they don’t like you.

  2. The first time I was first, I was first by so much that the server called me on the phone and begged me not to post because I was so fast in getting my ‘first’ post comment out that the Java window might shatter and put someone’s eye out. Now THAT’s cool!

    BB-guns do that, too.

    Put your eyes out, I mean, not call you on the phone.

  3. Not that anyone cares, but if you hit the limit you can go into iTunes and deauthorize all the computers, and then reauthorize the ones you still have.

  4. Well, I guess the “bad mutha f****** amateur porno streaming black magic” post will have to be 13 now.

    11 was totally ignored.

    Oh yeah! Mutha! I be getten 13!! Take that, foo!

  5. I wish I had dark overlords. My overlords are dork overlords. Not overlords of dorks, I mean they are the dorks not me. Stop saying that now.

    The last thing they commanded me to do was light a bag of dog poop on fire on the doorstep to the CARS offices. I think it may have been Howard’s poop I used even. It was really lame. And then I had to drive them around town while they used a Mr. Microphone and made noises at people in other cars.

  6. Umpteenth!

    Yeah, well. I never buy AppleCare either, because I’m a gambler. A ramblin’, shamblin’ gamblin’ man.

    And so far I’m ahead of the game.

  7. I clicked that button on the bottom of the comment posting section that says “Forget Personal Information,” and now I can’t remember who I am or why I’m posting this message. Can you help me?

  8. c’mon… c’mooooon!! 7:09? i’m havin’ dinner at 7:09. i’m not allowed to leave the table until i finished my meal!

    c’mooooon!… 7:09… rats!

  9. Moltz,

    You posted this at 3:07 London Time. How the hell are we supposed to get a chance at being first? We’re not back from clubbing then, so fair play or we’ll vote you-know-who in for a third time. Frightens me, what does it do for you?

    Just invented iBB Guns, they do phone you.

  10. You mean to tell me we had all these leftover questions supplied by readers last week that were never answered and THIS was the best Moltz could come up with on his own?!?

    Although I must say I agree with Moltz the girlfriend should not stand for sex in the living room.

  11. I have a Voodoo Applecare Plan. Whenever I hold it near my machine, it deauthorizes my mac.






    MMMMM, TASTY!!!!!

  14. My pants control dark and sinister forces.



    Make that ‘control dark and sinister feces.’

    My mistake.


  15. Surely the term “bad-assed mutha’ needs some explanation as it is not clear what an evil-tempered equine and what I can only presume is a ‘mut-ha, an obscure northern Serbo-Croat dialect term for an alcoholic concoction brewed from European Beaver milk, which tends to render one supine rather than irascible.

    Further information required please Mr. Moltz.

  16. “Although I must say I agree with Moltz the girlfriend should not stand for sex in the living room.”

    JJJSmith, if she stood for it she wouldn’t have problems with the berber.

    Oh and btw that new miniskirt looks fetching on you.

  17. So we agree on the girlfriend.

    And thanks for noticing the mini skirt. For those who don’t know, back in May ’04 when first posting was just reaching its fever pitch, CARS offered a free mini to whoever had the most posts. I did better a tit then and turned out to be the winner. I had hoped it would be a Mac mini or a Morris mini but it turned out to be a mini skirt. Pretty nice actually as I can wear it year round here in North Carolina. Another advantage is that I never have to worry about where my pants are (or where they have been!).

    I am hoping to get a CARS t-shirt for Christmas to go with my mini. I hope even more to get a mention by Moltz like Del and Cai and others have received, given the free advertising I am giving in this post and when I wear my mini in public!

  18. You know? i think that someone was bluffing about the voodoo and all that. Either that or they were just still mad about the gf’s responce… The only CARS staff member that i can imagine in a grass skirt with bone earings is Ugluk. Maybe Masako. Definitely Howard.


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