Apple Employs Over 1,000 Eunuchs.

An interesting statistic was revealed when Apple reported its quarterly results on January 18th.

According to the company’s report filed with the SEC, Apple employs over 1, 00 eunuchs.

Chief Operating Officer Tim Cook explained, the company recognized the value of employing eunuchs several years ago.

“They’re well-educated and they’re very hard workers,” Cook said. “It’s good for the company and it’s good for them. They don’t like to talk about it, but a lot of them haven’t had work since the 1920s when the Chinese emperor was overthrown.”

Cook says that once you get used to their high-pitched voices, their penchant for forming cliques and their tendency to sneak up behind you and scare the bejeezus out of you, the fact that they have no genitals only enters your mind every five or ten seconds while you’re talking to them.

“Frankly, their private life is none of my business,” Cook said. “Although, I hear they throw some wild parties! Ha-ha! Ha-ha!

“Uh, but still… none of my business. Just something I heard… around. I wasn’t asking or anything. Sometimes people just tell me stuff.”

Cook indicated that eunuchs hold a variety of positions at Apple.

“They excel at project management, but we also have them in testing and documentation.”

Cook paused a moment before adding “And, yes, a few of them, um… dress [CEO] Steve [Jobs].

“There’s… there’s nothing unusual about that. It’s industry standard.”

36 thoughts on “Apple Employs Over 1,000 Eunuchs.”

  1. To those of you not using feeds:

    “WARNING: If you’re a eunuch you’re probably going to find this story a little offensive.

    To our eunuch readers, we apologize.”

    Priceless. Just priceless.

  2. I spotted the eunich in the photo, please send over my ‘ipod shuffler’ immediately! My footmen will will eagerly poised to accept your package. Let me know if they seem a little ‘too eager.’

    Thank you everyone!

    ~Sir Reginald Winky Wilfordshire III, Part II, Revenge of the the Porpoise, Esq.

  3. Oh, no! Will Apple go the way of the Han Dynasty! Its always trouble when you have those evil eunuchs running things!

    Anyway, if Apple does fall apart like the Han Dynasty, I’ve got dibs on 1/3 of it.

  4. Actually, what’s really funny about this photo, which originally appeared in Time, is that the table is littered with car theft implements. Those criss-crossed bar-like devices are tools for unlocking car doors.

  5. Good on Apple, employing eunuchs, but what about unemployed castrati tenors?

    Yes, I am trying to get you a job at Apple, John, whilst not revealing your dreadful secret.

  6. This explains the sudden decline of sexual harassment law suits at Apple.

    Question: If “a beard” is the nickname for a woman married to a gay guy, what would be the nickname for a woman married to a eunuch?

  7. To answer Abe’s question I would guess wife.

    My answer to “Spot the Eunuch” is that it’s the guy sitting next to the 17″ PowerBook.

  8. While, by definition, those of us working as test engineers have been emasculated by our employers, I assure you that we do still have genitals.

    Management puts something in the coffee, so it’s more like a chemical castration sort of deal.

    I gotta get out of this business…

  9. Eunuchs?!??!!1!! Did you say eunuchs?!??!!1!! Holy mother of god in a plastic Target shopping cart, I’ve… we’ve… son of a bitch… we’ve been thinking that Apple’s Mac OS X was based on Unix, not eunuchs?!??!!1!! This totally screws up my secret development project to undermine Apple’s technicial lead. Crap.

    Balmer, when you get a chance… get your monkey ass in my office NOW!!!!

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  11. Hey yo, where’d they get that photo from (of course sans the Eunuch)… never seen it.

  12. I am a eunuch looking for work as a live in housekeeper or house siter. I have work as a nanny too.

  13. As a Congenital Eunuch, I have found it best to have a sense of humor, so I enjoyed the story. My only wish is that Eunuchs would be better accepted in society, so more of us would be more open about ourselves. The Eunuchs of India are not a good example of majority of us. Just MOHO.


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