Apple Running Out of Kool-Aid.

Apple reported disturbing news today that has some doubting the company’s continued ability to stay profitable.

According to CFO Peter Oppenheimer who spoke to analysts in a conference call, the company is running disturbingly low on Kool-Aid brand non-carbonated soft drink, which – as any Apple follower knows – is what keeps its base of loyal fans coming back for more.

“Drinking the Kool-Aid” has become an rite of passage for the Mac faithful, although many people outside the Mac community are not aware that the phrase is literal, not figurative.

Drawing a parallel to the company’s previous problems getting supplies of PowerPC chips from Motorola and IBM, Oppenheimer said that Kraft Foods has been unable to meet Apple’s demand as the success of the iPod and the Mac have swelled its customer base.

“Without a sufficient strategic supply of Kool-Aid brand beverage,” Oppenheimer said, “we will not be able to maintain control of our army of zombie underlings.

“I mean our customers. I meant to say ‘customers.’ ‘Valued customers.’ That’s what I mean to say.”

Oppenheimer did say that Apple has been working with other vendors to see if generic brands might be imbued with the same properties as the very specific type of Kool-Aid Kraft Foods has been making for the company for over 20 years. So far, results have been less than promising.

“Several test subjects felt mildly compelled to buy a copy of iWork,” Oppenheimer said, “but ultimately they wandered out of the Apple Store and… um… well, sadly, into traffic. Very… very tragic.

“One of the side effects of our Kool-Aid is, however, a certain slow-wittedness exhibited by a glassy look in the eyes. You’ll see that look on most of our zom… uh, customers.”

Oppenheimer said that tests will continue while Kraft Foods is looking into expanding its capacity to create powdered sugar capable of mind control.

Apple’s stock was down -0.65 on the news.

39 thoughts on “Apple Running Out of Kool-Aid.”

  1. pppft. I bet BILL didn’t chortle. *grumbles*

    Besides, I had lag over the pan-pacific internet pipeline. No fair!

  2. Oh my god. I’m 30.

    Last thing I remember I was 20 and went in to a shop to buy a PB 5300c . . .

    And then , then, then errrrrr . . . . . . . .

    Oh yeah , errrr guys , I know why all those PC – World assistants seem so brainless. Errrrm bit of a mess in my room here.


  3. Richard Brautigan told the story of the Kool-Aid wino, and back then I thought someone would have to be very poor to drink watered-down Kool-Aid without sugar added.

    Nowadays I think such a one might be a connoisseur.

  4. I think Moltz’s poor grammar today is clearly indicative of the effects lack of Kool-Aid can have. If he doesn’t get any more, this site might start to focus less on Apple product rumors, and more on witty satire.
    Personally, I think Oppenheimer’s been keeping all the Kool-Aid to himself. That’s why he loooks chubbier than the rest of the execs.

  5. This just goes to show why Macs are less popular in the UK, as we don’t have Kool-Aid here (at least not easily accessible). However, we tend to find the affects of processed cheese slices in the DVD drives strangely informative!

  6. You can tell the mac user from his red kool-aid stained lips.
    – from “Dune”

  7. What have I been doing! Oh no! I haven’t had Kool-aid for about a month!
    Will I be reprimanded? Does my geek status get revoked? The world is falling apart!

  8. “Drink the Kool-Aid” is actually a reference to the mass suicide that took place in Jonestown Guyana in 1978. The implication is that Apple fans would commit suicided if Steve Jobs so ordered.

  9. Oh, jeez, way to bum us out, man.

    That wandering into traffic part was awesome. I would drug my customers too, except they already seem to have a taste for crappy software, so really, no need. I keep thinking I’m supposed to do a release or some such thing today, but I forget. I should get a palm pilot or something to remember this stuff.

  10. As a kid I used to always eat the “poor kid’s pixie sticks” i.e. Kool-Aid without the water added.

  11. re: Not Jim Jones

    I think it is more likely a reference to the electric cool-aid that was popular in the Bay Area, that Apple calls home, and made believers out of a lot of folks.

  12. Re: Gary

    As you’re Apple’s friend, I defer to your inside knowledge.

    I’m pretty sure the popular culture interpretation is based on the Jonestown incident — check wikipedia for both Kool-Aid and Jonestown.

    The irony is that they actually used Flavr-Aid.

  13. Hence Harrison Ford’s comment when George Lucas gathered the old cast together at the Ranch to announce the prequels (allegedly appearing in only a dressing gown). “If he starts serving Kool-Aid… I’m leaving”.

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