Excitement Builds As Number of Apple Lawsuits Approaches Infinity.

Apple and quantum theorists everywhere are eagerly awaiting the next lawsuit against the company as the number is quickly approaching infinity and no one is exactly sure what will happen.

“This is very exciting, said Dr. Javier Castonguay of the University of California. “The rate of increase in lawsuits against Apple is exponential and soon there will be an infinite number of them.”

When that happens, according to Castonguay and several other leading quantum theorists, the company will either be forced to declare bankruptcy times infinity, or the portion of the space/time continuum that the lawsuits occupy will fold back on itself and all of the lawsuits will cease to exist.

Despite the even odds, Apple was upbeat about its chances.

“Apple has a strong commitment to the sciences and we’re excited to play a part in the history of quantum theory,” said CEO Steve Jobs.

“And.. well… 50-50? I’ll take those odds.

“We got a lotta lawsuits.”

One of the most interesting corollaries to Apple’s condition is that as the number of lawsuits against the company approaches infinity, General Counsel Nancy Heinen’s stress level is generating fantastic amounts of energy.

“Nancy really has some guys from the International Atomic Energy Agency interested in her!” laughed Jobs. “Ha-ha! Because… eventually… you know… KA-BOOM!!!”

Indeed, several research institutes have contacted Apple about attempting to harness Heinen to power the eastern seaboard.

“Yeah, we’ve been trying to get her to take some vacation…” Jobs admitted.

Other than CEO Steve Jobs, Apple declined to comment for this story.

35 thoughts on “Excitement Builds As Number of Apple Lawsuits Approaches Infinity.”

  1. Exponential? Shouldn’t that be something like hyperbolic?

    Oh no… I feel so ashamed…

  2. St Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland, is that why the US is full of lawyers?

    Here’s to those that wait.

    Happy St Patricks to you all.


  3. With an infinite number of lawsuits, and an infinite need for lawyers, I’m sure to pass the bar!

  4. No, no, no, it wouldn’t be hyperbolic. Hyperbolas approach an asymptote. But the solution to dx/dt = x^2 approaches infinity in finite time…

  5. wtf. I was truly the 11th and now it turns out I’m boring 14. how can that be possible

  6. What if some one yells, “Infinity times 2”. Which of course must be followed by the mandatory “Infinity times Infinity”. Which is way up there, numerically speaking. Until someone trumps that with “Infinity to the power of Infinity”. I think that’s as high as it goes.

  7. Hobbs,
    Don’t let the bosses catch you reading this twaddle, they’ll keep giving you funny looks ad infinitum.

  8. “Infinity to the power of Infinity”

    Infinity to the power of Infinity plus one!

    Screw you, taxpayer!

    What’s that about St. Patrick? He got the idea of chasing snakes from that Simpsons episode. My screen is green.

  9. wudnt they run outta thingz 2 complain about? i mean, they are infinitely better than microsoft n all…

  10. As their Lawsuits pass infinty they will pass through all parts of the statute books at the same time.

  11. There’s no guarantee which court they’ll end up in. . .

  12. I think the act of the lawsuits hitting infinity (plus one) will be what causes the universe to stop expanding and start falling back in on itself. I also think Steve Jobs will be at the singularity of this massive, universe-sized black hole handing out the leftover iPod socks. I, on the other hand, will be on the other side of the black hole, collecting the iPod socks in the new universe so we can get a count of who made it over.

    5,000 Quatloos for a qubit!

  13. Well, I already got my front row seats to watch the implosion of the universe.
    My pants decided to stay behind, though. Said something about cheeze….


  14. I’m in the lobby of the Restaurant at the End of the Universe, and the maitre d’ says my table will be ready after the lady occupying it finishes her bottomless cup of coffee.

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