Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday,

Q: I’m trying to boot Windows on my Intel-based iMac and I’m running into some problems. I’ve installed Vista on a NTFS/HPFS volume on my iMac’s hard drive and made the necessary file hacks, but it’s still not coming up.
A: You’ll need to hack Darwin Bootloader with the necessary entry so that it loads your Vista partition. Then you should be chainloaded to the Vista bootloader which should in turn boot your Vista install. Finally, and this is very important, don’t forget the unholy sacrifice to Gorto. You’ll never be able to run Windows on a Mac without that.
Q: Well, yes, I’m a little concerned that’s the problem. See, I’ve made the necessary bootloader edits but I just don’t think Gorto is appeased. I did cut a goat. Shouldn’t that be good enough?
A: A goat!? Ha-ha! Noooo! We’re talking about running Windows on a Mac!
Q: Oh. Well, maybe an ox?
A: What?! No. Try a virgin.
Q: A virgin ox?
A: …
Q: …
A: …
Q: What?
A: You just confirmed every stereotype I had of people who want to run Windows on a Mac.
Q: What? Oh, a virgin virgin. OK. Well, c’mon, give me a break. I go to ASU. I haven’t seen a virgin in four years.
A: Touché.

Q: I’m trying to get OS X running on a cheap PC and I can get it to boot, but I’m having a lot of problems after that.
A: Of course you are. OS X is rejecting the transplant. Just as a human eventually rejects a pig’s liver, so OS X will reject a PC.
Q: But… uh… wait… I think your analogy is backwards.
A: What?
Q: Well, if I’m trying to put OS X into a PC, then OS X would be the pig’s liver and…
A: Look, it doesn’t matter. What matters is you’re a madman, a madman, I tell you, and it’ll never work. They probably laughed at you at the institute, didn’t they.
Q: … I… well… yes, there was some snickering…
A: Look, why would you want to run OS X on a PC anyway?
Q: Well, I love the Mac operating system, but I’m an unbelievable cheap skate and I’m hoping to save myself a couple of bucks.
A: Yeah, OK, well, the problem with that is that Macs really aren’t more expensive than comparable PCs. Also, try to remember that time equals money.
Q: Time equals…?
A: Money. Yeah. See, how much time have you spent trying to get OS X to run on that PC?
Q: Just a couple… thousand… hours.
A: You see the problem with that, don’t you?
Q: Well, yeah, but it’s like, “Why do you climb a mountain? Because it’s there!”
A: It’s not really like that at all. This is more like “Why do people go on Jackass?”
Q: Yeah, OK, fine, you be that way. But, but when I can run OS X on a Microsoft Personal Media Workstation Consumer Edition Plus – Wrist Scenario, you’ll be sorry.
A: A what?
Q: It’s a… little watch… thingy… little half inch screen… Kinda cool. It’s hard to input with just that little windy knob on the side…
A: …
Q: If Apple would just make a little watch thingy with a half inch screen that you use the little windy knob on the side to input to then I wouldn’t have to do this! It’s all about user scenarios, dude.
A: Don’t even start with me.

Q: Well, I’m not trying to run Windows on my Mac or run OS X on a PC.
A: Thank goodness.
Q: Not me, sir. I love my Mac just the way it is.
A: Well, good for you!
Q: Well… no… actually.
A: Huh?
Q: For, you see, my love for my Mac is the love that dares not speak its name.
A: Ah. Uh… huh. Oooh.
Q: Yes. The love that is known as…
A: Hoa! Whoa, whoa, let’s just go with your love’s first instinct not to speak its name.
Q: Fair enough. Anyway, my question is about iDVD and an error I’m getting with certain DVD media.
A: Oh. OK. What kind of DVD media?
Q: DVD media… that dares not speak its name.
A: You’re a bit of a drama queen, aren’tcha.

36 thoughts on “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.”

  1. I’m trying to get color printing to work on my Fridgidair. Who do I sacrifice to?

  2. This is one of the best episodes in a long time… I like the complexity and the plot develoment.

    — not fatbo

    oh, and “6th”

  3. Doesn’t the ASU guy doesn’t know he can look for virgin virgins (also known as extra virgin) at the supermarket?


  4. I’m trying to get Yolks running on Eggs Over Easy. Someone told me to poke them with a fork, but won’t that void the warranty?

  5. I haven’t seen many virgins recently either. Must be something to do with student life. Even in a world heritage site.

  6. I haven’t seen many virgins recently either.

    Must be something to do with student life.

    Even in a world heritage site.

  7. Oh! I had already said it. Odd. Oops.

    “Duplicate comment: it looks as though you’ve already said that.”

    “But it isn’t there. Ah! I know, I’ll add some carriage returns.”

    “It’s there now, now I just looks silly. It looks as though I’ve already said that”. Well it does now!

  8. Obviously I went to the wrong college. The one where the virgins were scarce and the beaver romed free, not mine! My school motto was “Simper fidelis to the boy back home”

  9. Of course you can Limey. Just make sure you have all the latest patches and X11 installed.


  10. The Unix app. “that dare not speak it’s name” runs fine but I can’t get “The World” to run properly.

    I keep getting a “*24541 electoral error, Bush idoitax problem. Unable to execute.”

  11. Ah… Of course.
    You need to open ‘’, and edit line 666 there.
    Be careful about what you replace it with, though.
    Also, what version of “the world” are you trying to run?


  12. the “tolerant democracy” extension pack of World Superpower IV.
    I tried your hack but apparently it takes some time for things to show in the game, about three tears of game time.

    I’m not very impressed with it though, it isn’t as good as ‘British Empire’ although that had a bit of a let down ending and there just doesn’t seem to be as much story as ‘The Greeks’ or ‘Roman ‘Empire’ , they kept going for ages.

    This one doesn’t seem to have a lot to it although the bit where you get to play a fundamentalist christian and nuke your own country because you’re convinced it’s overrun by communist muslim gay pro-lifers is funny.

    Have you got to that bit yet?

  13. I tried loading OS X on an Xbox 360. The OS screeched to a halt when it realized that the Xbox was running a PowerPC variant, and then the irony of it all caused OS X to cause a kernel panic so strong it folded space. When I woke up, I was 10,000 years in the future.

    You can’t do that with Windows, that’s for sure. On the other hand, I can now say that House Atreides uses Mac OS MMM exclusively.

    (That’s Mac OS 3000, for those of you who aren’t keeping up.)

  14. Dears cars types.
    I need help installing osx tiger.
    Many attemtps have been unsuccessful.
    trying to install on a new
    canon p171 caculator.

    Any help appreciated.


  15. Dear CARS, I’m trying to run OS X (tigger, not tiger) on a dish of stuck-together old-time candy at my grandma’s house. I need a lot of help since I have no idea what to plug the monitor into. There’s a lump of Anthracite candy that looks promising, I just need to bust off a hunk and make room for the connector. Hey, it’s licorice!

  16. “caused OS X to cause a kernel panic so strong it folded space. When I woke up, I was 10,000 years in the future. … House Atreides uses Mac OS MMM exclusively.”

    That must mean Vista caused the Butlerian Jihad. Figures.

    The spice must flow.

  17. Hey, is this a place I can get help? Here’s my problem. I use AOL. I know, I know, it’s just that I’m older and I’m used to it.

    I may have to give it up. Last night, for the jillionth time, in themiddle of creating a long email, AOL just disappeared and my email with it.

    Second problem. When I click on anything (a scroll bar, a link, anything) in email or on the web, I get these infuriating help windows instead of it doing what I clicked on something for it to do.

    Is this a mouse problem?

    I use an iBook, which in some ways is not better than my 6-year old iMac (v. disappointing). And I use Microsoft Office, AOL, etc. I don’t go on wierd sites or get wierd emails, as far as I know,


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