Inside Apple

Steve Jobs recently attended a Cupertino city council meeting to announce Apple’s plan to build a second campus. While the San Jose Mercury News provided a transcript of the meeting, several key passages were redacted for political purposes. Crazy Apple Rumors Site operatives have obtained the redacted passages and we provided them on this edition of… Inside Apple.

JOBS: Well, now that you’ve seen the plans for our campus and the four-mile long take-off ramp for the space ark, I’ll throw the floor open to any questions you might have.

COUNCIL MEMBER 1: Steve, is it true there’s going to be a water-flume ride and a gigantic cage that you’ll fill with mutants from the Forbidden Zone so you can watch them battle to the death for your amusement?

JOBS: That is… no. Absolutely not. I heard that that was reported on some rumor sites but that is categorically false. Let me say this in the strongest possible terms: there will be no water-flume ride. We’ve got enough lawsuits without putting our employees in that kind of danger.

COUNCIL MEMBER 1: What about the gigantic…

JOBS: Next question, please.

COUNCIL MEMBER 2: Steve, over the years there have been a lot of complaints from residents about weird goings on at the Apple campus… strange people coming and going… some of them Newton users…

COUNCIL MEMBER 3: Disgusting!

COUNCIL MEMBER 2: …loud jungle music… demon gods… goats… what have you. What assurances can you give us that adding a second Apple campus won’t just exacerbate the problem?

JOBS: Well, let’s not beat around the bush. It’s the midnight human sacrifices you’re talking about, right?

COUNCIL MEMBER 2: The… what?

COUNCIL MEMBER 3: Disgusting!

COUNCIL MEMBER 2: I had no idea…

JOBS: Uhhh… perhaps I’ve said too much. But to answer your question, this new campus will be surrounded by a 150-foot soundproof wall mounted with laser cannons and around that will be a moat filled with amphibious evil goats.

COUNCIL MEMBER 2: Amphibious…?

COUNCIL MEMBER 3: Disgusting!

COUNCIL MEMBER 2: Would you stop saying that?!

JOBS: Uh, yes, you in the back.

GIL AMELIO DIGUISED AS A CUPERTINO CITY COUNCIL MEMBER: Uh, yes, “Steve,” is it? Um, can you comment on rumors that, because you’ll now have two campuses, you’ll need two CEOs?

JOBS: Mmm, no. That’s not true. This won’t affect our executive team at all.

GIL AMELIO: Dammit. [He exits, tossing his disguise in the trash on his way out.]

JOBS: Well, I think that’s it. I’d like to thank you all for your attention and your support over the years and your willingness to allow us to harvest the brains of area residents as part of our new initiative to create Macs that think like humans!

COUNCIL MEMBER 1: Wedidwhatnow?


COUNCIL MEMBER 3: Disgust… oh, dammit, I did it again.

EVIL LOOKING GOAT 1: Baaaaaaahhhhh

GUARD: Ooh. That’s creepy.