Apple Issues Quarterly Report.

Apple’s net earnings jumped 41 percent and net income jumped from $290 million to $410 million last quarter. Predictably, however, it was the negatives that analysts chose to dwell on, despite the company’s gains.

While Apple beat revenues, analysts noted earnings were below forecast. Guidance was also below forecast as the company expected that the current quarter would be tepid as users waited for new Intel-based Macs to appear. Analysts were also reportedly put off by the continued appearance of an evil-looking goat.

“That’s just freaky,” said Daniel Niles of Lehman Brothers. “Freaking goat, man. What is that?

Further disappointing Wall Street, analysts noted that Apple’s OPS has dropped off dramatically as it has failed to make the adjustment to American League pitching and analysts sharply downgraded the firm’s PECOTA.

“Apple seems to have fallen out of its comfort zone since moving over from the National League,” said ESPN’s Jim Caple. “It’s swinging at pitches out of the zone and striking out more. If ever there was a candidate for watching more tapes of pitchers it’s Apple.

“Plus it needs to resolve some of those lawsuits. That whole thing can’t be good.”

In addition to Apple’s trouble at the plate, analysts noted that the company has:

  • Refused to clean its plate, despite having been served its favorite meal.
  • Attempted to parallel park by going in front-first.
  • Neglected to floss, even the night before a dentist appointment.
  • Persistently used the word “irregardless.”
  • Failed to fill out its TPS reports.

Apple declined to comment for this story, but shuffled its feet sullenly and shrugged its shoulders when asked if it was thought that was the best that it could do.