Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Today we take a look at what happens when the Help Desk doesn’t get any calls.

It’s not pretty.

A: No, look, I’m just saying that at times the Hulk has had god-like strength, so if Superman fought him during one of those times, I think the Hulk would win.
MACGRUDER: No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. NO. Superman is just as strong as the Hulk, plus he’s smarter and has heat vision and shit. It’s not even a contest.
A: Well, we’re just going to have to agree to disagree on this.
MACGRUDER: Whatever. It’s like I don’t even know you anymore.
A: Oh, stop it. OK, let’s move on to the next question. ‘Jessica Alba or Scarlett Johannson – who would you rather do?’
MACGRUDER: What?! Oh, man! When did the GREs get so hard?!
A: …
A: This isn’t the GRE. This is a quiz in Maxim.
MACGRUDER: Oh. Are you sure? There was that one that involved numbers.
A: That was about how many nipple slips Halle Berry had last year. And you answered that way too fast.
MACGRUDER: I… can have a hobby.

THOR: So then Schiller said to Tim Cook, you take either one, but the sexbot stays with me!
A: Ha-ha! Oh, man, that is classic!
THOR: I know!
UGLUK: Me no get it.
A: Ha-ha! What?
THOR: Oh. Well… you understand the “wing man” concept, don’t you?
UGLUK: Yes, but Schiller say ugly one have wide, child-bearing hips. Why he no want one with wide, child-bearing hips?
A: Uh…
THOR: Well, Ugluk, I think they were mostly just kidding around. We weren’t really going to go home with any of them.
UGLUK: Ugluk perhaps not find your fornication humor amusing. Procreation taken very seriously in my clan. Where – I have you know – wide, child-bearing hips seen as very attractive. Ugluk’s mother, for example, have wide, child-bearing hips.
A: Oh. Jeez.
THOR: I’m terribly sorry. That was very culturally insensitive of us.
A: Yes. I’m sorry.
A: …
UGLUK: Ha-ha! No, Ugluk just messing with you! Ha-ha!
THOR: What?
UGLUK: Ugluk like pretty women with large breasts just like next guy!
A: Oh! Ha-ha!
THOR: Ah! Good one!
UGLUK: You should have seen expression on face!
THOR: Ha-ha! Ah!
A: Ha-ha! Ahhh… Wait. Is liking wide, child-bearing hips the same as liking a big can? Because…
UGLUK: Dude…
THOR: Dude…
A: Well… I just want a ruling there.

HOWARD: Still no calls?
A: No. But, to tell the truth, I figured out around lunchtime that the phone wasn’t plugged in. I just left it that way. It’s just that I was getting so much done.
HOWARD: But… you’re playing Call of Duty.
A: Yes. Yes, I am. Ask me how many Panzers I’ve take out.
HOWARD: Mmm, no. I live in fear that information like that is going to one day push something important out of my brain. Like how to breathe. Then I’m going to be flopping around on the floor trying to remember how to get oxygen into my lungs when all I can think of is the number of Panzers you took out. I just came in here to let you know that we’re going to that new Irish bar to get a head start on Cinco de Mayo. It’s going to be a whole evening of multi-ethnic public drunkenness. The Entity already teleported over to grab a table. You coming?
A: Well… no. I’m just so swamped.
HOWARD: With… defending the Ardennes?
A: Well, yeah. It’s not like the non-player characters are going to do it. I mean… look at this guy. He just keeps getting hit by this German dude and falling down and getting back up again. Over and over and over. I don’t know how the Allies won with guys like this.
HOWARD: C’mon. I’ll buy you a two-olive martini with Quintessential.
A: Well… OK. I’ll just leave the game up on the outside chance they actually do hold the Ardennes without me.
HOWARD: OK. Sounds good.
A: But I bet I’m going to come back on Monday and that guy’s still going to be getting hit and falling down over and over. I just don’t get that.
HOWARD: There’s a good chance you’re over-thinking this.