Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Today on the Help Desk… babes!

Q: Those “I’m a Mac/I’m a PC” commercials are OK, but when are they going to release the Gisele Bundchen ad? Cause, man, she is… wow.
A: Some kind of fine?
Q: She’s so fine she’s out of time!
A: She’s so… what?
Q: Uh…
A: What the hell was that? That doesn’t even make any sense.
Q: I was just… trying something there.
A: Yeah, well, don’t. But, I’ll tell ya, I wouldn’t mind uploading her to my firmware.
Q: Oh, totally! Ha-ha! And I’d like to put dirty pictures of her into my iPhoto library, if you know what I mean!
A: That’s not a… Well, anyway, let’s just say that if she were open-source, I wouldn’t mind tweaking her kernel.
Q: Ha-ha! Yeah! She can check my prostate! Am I right?!
A: …
Q: … Uh…
A: Dude…
Q: Yeah, I know. I am so bad at this…

Q: I’m a Windows user and I’m just getting fed up with the malware I’m subjected to on a daily basis. I’m thinking of switching to the Mac, but before I do, there’s just one thing I gotta know.
A: You want to know if it’s true that the Mac is a babe magnet.
Q: Exactly.
A: I’m here to tell you, brother, it’s everything it’s cracked up to be.
Q: Awesome!
A: Your best bet is to get a MacBook. Then you can carry it around. You might actually have to use it as protection against the beautiful babes who will be inexorably drawn to you, as the bee to the flower, the lemming to the sea.
Q: Alright! I’m gonna go buy one right now!
A: OK!
MACGRUDER: What the hell was that crap all about? A MacBook’s not going to help that guy pick up chicks. Plastic surgery wouldn’t help that guy pick up chicks. That guy couldn’t pick up chicks if he had a forklift.
A: Hey, a switcher is a switcher.
MACGRUDER: Oh, my god… you’re on commission!
A: $20 a head. You want in?
MACGRUDER: Hell yeah!

Q: I just wanted to let you know that as a Mac user and also a babe in my own right, I find the subject of this Help Desk to be demeaning and offensive.
A: Oh. Well, I’m sorry that you feel that way. We didn’t mean to offend anyone. But, uh, just for the record, you’re no babe.
Q: What?! Yes I am! Look at these breasts!
A: Oh, no, it’s not the breasts. The breasts are great.
Q: Well than what is it?
A: It’s just… I don’t know. Something ineffable.
Q: Pff! Men! Just because I’m not Gisele Bundchen… I’ll have you know that lesbians find me hot.
A: Oh, I doubt that very much.
Q: What?!
A: Here, let’s test it. Masako? Masako? Come in here for a second.
A: Would you do her?
YAMAMOTO: Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm… no.
Q: …
A: See, you can’t just go around throwing out wild claims like that. “Lesbians find me hot.” Like we wouldn’t check something like that!

24 thoughts on “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.”

  1. *Technically*, we don’t know that Masako’s gay. We just know that she wouldn’t do the last caller.

    Okay, I’m really reaching….

  2. She’s gay, the Pope’s Catholic, the Marx Brothers are hilarious, and I’m number eight.

  3. you guys mentioned prostate.

    That, Moltzy-my-man, is why you guys are the best.

    And i better be #11… 😛

  4. Uhm…. hello, what i said still stands:
    To create a new standard takes some….- WAIT! you already know how that goes.

    i hope Microsoft doesn’t start using macs the second i walk out the door in two years time.


  6. I’d do the last chick. Sometime you’ve gotta take what you can get. You all know what I mean….

  7. Maybe the MacBook by itself won’t help you pick up chicks, but I have a widget and a case mod that’ll do the trick. Only $200! What a deal!

  8. Question is, would Masako do Gisele Bundchen?

    If so, I’d pay good money to see that.

  9. How come 20% of these articles send me on a google image search for scantily clad super models?

    What has happened to the other 80%? Think of the other 80% man!

  10. I don’t know if I’d be considered a babe or not, but I do my part and flirt with guys in coffee shops that have Mac’s to reward them for their purchases and to make the Windows Users jealous. I oooh and aaahh over their machine and stroke it ever so gently with my finger making sure to lean over…. um back on topic you’re only getting $20?

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