Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday,

Q: If you happen to see someone using a third party card, is it ethical to tap into their MacBook using this hack?
A: No! Not at all! I mean, you wouldn’t use their toothbrush would you?
Q: No. Well… no. But, I mean, what if you suspected they might have lesbian ninja porn on their hard drive?
A: Dude…
Q: Well, I just… I’m trying to… just trying to figure out the etiquette…
A: Dude, if you suspect they have lesbian ninja porn on their hard drive, you grab the laptop and run like hell.
Q: Oh.
A: To my house.
Q: Uh… right.

Q: I have a MacBook that I’m trying to initiate the SecureWorks Wifi hack from but I’m having some trouble. I try sticking the cigarette into my eye, but find that my eyelid descends at the last minute to block it. Any tips for keeping your eye open?
A: I’ve found those things they used on Malcolm McDowell in A Clockwork Orange work really well, but Chet swears you can get the same results from ordinary toothpicks. At any rate, if you just keep at it, you’re likely to burn right through your eyelid and that’ll get the job done.
Q: And, refresh my memory… how does this help me wirelessly hack something?
A: Uh… actually, I think it’s supposed to help make your Mac more secure. Or something. To be frank, I’m kind of confused on that point.
Q: Gosh. There’s so much I don’t understand about computer security.
A: It is complicated. I guess that’s why we need the help of professionals.
Q: Mmm-hmm.

Q: I know the whole Mac universe is up in arms about this whole thing, but I’m just not seeing it. Why should I care about this?
A: Wha-why should you care?! Oh, I don’t know. Maybe you like having your eye burned out with a cigarette.
Q: C’mon, they apologized for that.
A: That’s so nice! All is forgiven! Now if I could just see out of my left eye…
Q: Oh, stop it. Look, there’s a very real chance they may actually have a hack of Airport. Why heap so much shit on them? It’s just another case of the Mac community run amok.
A: Yeah, well, if someone decides they’re going to kick a hornet’s nest, I don’t have a lot of sympathy when they go crying to their momma – or George Ou – when they get stung.
Q: Well, I guess that’s a good point.
A: Oh, and you know what else?
Q: You’re kind of worked up over this.
A: Let me just make this other point…
Q: No. No. It’s OK, dude.
A: No! NO! It’s NOT OK! See, what I was going to say is that…
Q: I’ll just… let myself out…