Apple Reports Exceptional First Quarter Results.

Apple issued its first quarter financial results today, announcing that it had set a record profit of $1 billion.

The announcement shattered windows throughout Cupertino as the company accelerated at an ever increasing rate, now headed inexorably toward infinite profitability.

Physicists at the Jet Propulsion Laboratories expressed their concern that the company was out of control, hurtling toward a theoretical threshold, the breaking of which might have vast implications in physics and accounting.

“The billion dollar threshold was the last thing holding them back!” exclaimed a visibly agitated Dr. Russell Springer.

“We have no idea what might happen if Apple breaks the infinite profitability barrier. Steve Jobs could be imbued with vast telekinetic powers or every spreadsheet on the planet could explode outward, destroying our system of corporate valuation in a planetary conflagration of flaming numbers.

“Either way, this is gonna be really boss! I can’t wait! Jerry’s in the break room microwaving some popcorn right now!”

Sources in Cupertino report that an impenetrable field of anti-protons has surrounded the Apple campus, preventing entrance or egress but protecting the company as it began its acceleration phase.

Sources also noted that “egress” is a cool word that doesn’t get used enough.

Apple declined to comment for this story but was heard to yell “AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!” shortly before there was a loud popping sound.

44 thoughts on “Apple Reports Exceptional First Quarter Results.”

  1. Okay… John, could you please do something about my stupid post? Re-reading it is making me cringe. The pressure to be first is too much… Excuse me, I think I may be ill (and nobody need say ad nauseam).

    Just taking out the (or second) part would make all the difference.


  2. Of course shareholders, id est our Johnny boy, will be incredibly generous and offer each of his posters a free Mac computer to the latest specification.

  3. Wow.. 3 hours later and only TWO posts….Somebody’s napping.

    BTW, I think that by approaching infinite profitability they will break the laws of physics, at which point Steve will grow another head and an extra arm. Also, he’ll start giving keynotes in a bathrobe.


  4. Carbonfish would it help if I proclaim First post while you resolve your concerns?

    And ignore that burning smell, you will hear about it on the news later.

  5. Obviously I am outside the anti-photon shield since I could not accelerate my initial post to an earlier time. Damn you, particle decay.

  6. v-f,

    If you can fold time to just before I tried to make that stupid joke, you’re welcome to first. Or maybe you could just hack in a little edit button script?

  7. I can fold butter into the flour mixture, and fold a piece of paper into a crane and hack a loogey. Those are the limits to my skill set.

    You raisins are moving in your cereal

  8. What, you all thought Time Machine was just a data backup feature? Didn’t you notice the odd curvature of Cupertino buildings over the last couple of days?

    I’m guessing Steve said, “Crap, did I leave all that Mac stuff out of the keynote? Joz, Jony, squirt us back a week and a half!”

  9. If one is going to use “egress,” one further ought to throw in the towel and use “ingress” to replace “entrance.”

    Although when referring to one’s mesmerizing object of affection, “entrance” would be boss.

  10. My Pantsâ„¢ inform me that Ace Deuce is correct. Ingress and egress would be the correct terminolgy.

    Also, I REALLY don’t like the way this Badger is looking at me.

  11. “In order to keep the crowds moving through the exhibits in his traveling show . . . Mr. [P.T.] Barnum posted signs that read: “This Way to the Egress.” Eager to view this presumably strange and exotic exhibit, the throngs would push through the door labeled “Egress” — and find themselves in the street.”
    — Laurie A. O’Neill, “Almanac Is Itself a Rare Occurrence”

    Don’t feel bad Carbonfish, look at me!

  12. Rats! I was gonna tell the P.T. Barnum story!

    Oh, well. W.C. Fields was funny, too. I’d tell you the story, from “Six of a Kind,” of how his character came to be called “Honest John,” but it wasn’t the story that was funny, so much as the way he told it.

    The man was hilarious.

  13. yelling “AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!” shortly before the loud popping sound is optional, but sometimes it helps. At least it makes your significant other feel like it’s been worth the dinner.

    What IS that smell?

  14. Next stop: One billion phones!
    And then: One billion macs…
    (wow, that’s not going to leave much room for windows is it?)

    Billions and billions and billions
    oh my.

  15. The entire business community is moving to black faux turtlenecks and jeans as a CEO uniform. Many companies will start having “keynote” speeches in the lunchroom.

    All of the easy (read: essentially meaningless) parts of Apple’s culture are spreading from boardroom to boardroom like a flu virus in November.

    Billion is huge.

    Hey. Let go. I saw it first.


  17. See, now what I would have expected was the formation of a black hole at One Infinite Loop. The inflow of cash into one location like that would begin to create its own gravity well. Once the mass in that location grows to sufficient size, its gravity will cause it to begin to collapse in on itself. The gravity well will increase.

    Eventually, all money in the universe will fall into Apple.

    Fortunately, there is another money sucking hole in the universe: Microsoft. No. The US government doesn’t count. It can’t keep up with these other two vacuums.

  18. Black faux turtlenecks? You mean other turtleneck shirts are made from…. gulp… TURTLES?

    Rip, you have taken away my innocence!

  19. Ok I’ve been to JPL and and neither Russ nor Jerry would ever use the term “Boss”. I’m beginning to think this site employs a little exaggeration and deceit. First the MacWorld scandal and now this. Can CARS ever recover? To find out or comment please come to the Giga-Post

    We kind of need help digging our tunnel. The backhoe is doing a really bad job.

  20. I keep wanting to read “infinite profitability” as “infinite improbability.” Too much Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy and not enough coffee, I guess. A Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster would help too.

  21. I really do need some coffee or a Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster or something. I forgot to include “Jackassitude!” in my previous post.

    Not much of a word of the week if it doesn’t get used.

    “Jackassitude! Jackassitude! Jackassitude!”

    Thanks, I feel much better now. Off to get coffee, or, well you know…

  22. Great TV Quotes:

    “Your Honnor, I egress my last question, but I would like to treat Mr. Smith as a hostile witness because of his Jackassitude”
    – Barneby Jones; season 2 episode 11

  23. “I thlink the olther twol vaculums are actually mlade by Hoolver and Eurelka.”

    Does that help, TABP?

    Del, you need one of those things they used to dig the chunnel. That would be boss.


  24. In the computer industry, an infinite amount of money will result in something like Microsoft.
    A sweating Phil Schiller screaming Amazing! Amazing! Amazing! is not something I would want to see.

    Well.. unless it’s a part of the lesbian ninja sexbot überbabe presentation.

    “If you’re very, very, very good, the 6’4″ germanic blonde iMona will punish you. Phil?”
    Phil starts sweating.
    Steve looks at the iMona and pushes her single belly button.

    The iMona snaps into action.
    Phil starts sweating profusely.
    “Amazing! Amazing! Amazing! Amaaaazing!”

  25. There is a cooler word than “egress” and it is not something I’m making up (for a change.) It is “ingress”. No kidding. Fighter pilot speak. They have to ingress the target area, attack the target and then egress. All that while not running in to each other, anti-aircraft fire, tall buildings and the steadily growing cash|pile at One Infinite Loop.


  26. Swank, I do NOT want to watch Phil Schiller doing ANYTHING with a SexBot thankyouverymuch.

  27. I personally love to watch the Phil & Sexbot Ice Hockey team take down the Ballmer & Zune team at the big tech company playoffs every year. Of course Apple does have an advantage with a Canadian as Team Captain.

  28. Ballmer: (laughs) $500 full-subsidized with a plan! I said that is the most expensive sex-bot in the world and it doesn’t appeal to business customers. Now, it may sell very well or not, I, you know.

    We have our strategy, we’ve got great Windows Mobile devices in the market today, we, you can get a Motorola Q phone now for $99, and it’s a very capable machine, it’ll do music, it’ll do, uh, Internet, it’ll do email, it’ll do instant messaging. So, I, I kinda look at that and I say, well, I like our strategy. I like it a lot.

    So, I feel like we’re in the game, we’re driving our innovation hard, uh, and, uh, okay, we’re not the incumbent, he’s the incumbent in this game..

  29. Anonymous: sorry, only one l per participant.

    I’ve been trying to count to a billion all afternoon, and just as I get to somewhere between a million and a million and a half, the phone rings.

  30. Ballmer said, “We’re getting our asses kicked like the skinny little fart with horn rimmed glasses on the first day of summer camp. People are out there ditching Windows, because they’re finally starting to realize that we’re never going to ship anything we haven’t had two years to rip off from Apple. We know the phones that run our software are crap — but they’re CHEAP crap. So what if we’re losing money on the XBox and Zunes are being outsold by Zens. We’re still frigging Microsoft. We own the second rate crap market. Heard of it?”

    Hey. I want my cheese melted.

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