You know, I’d feel bad about us not getting a post together tonight, but I know for a fact that you just come here for the comments anyway, so it’s no big deal.
Anyway, you’ve got the whole weekend ahead of you and a wad of cash in your sweaty little fist (which is all covered in Cheeto dust), so maybe you could dump a little of it on one of our fine advertisers.
There’s Rogue Amoeba. They make good stuff. Although Kafasis tried to kill me that one time.
Well, there’s also Delicious Monster. The things they can do with an iSight camera. Tell you what. Although Shipley did call me a… well, let’s just say he said I like to do something to dogs that I don’t. Totally. I mean… really. I don’t even know how that would work.
Anyway, that brings us to our new advertisers: Shiny White Box and Many Tricks. They also make boss software and so far neither of their CEOs has tried to kill me or accused me of being into bestiality.
Of course, we’ve only just met so…
I should probably give them some time.
…
Do you think Gruber has this kind of relationship with his advertisers?
It seems to be an asset these days.
I have an accordion, but I’m looking for another so I can play them correctly: bashing them together like cymbals.
The proper way to play the French hose is to whirl it like a Leslie speaker as you bugle artfully. A band in Oregon in the ’70s named More Than Human called it the More Than Humanophone, but I’m sure it was invented in ancient times when people started watering their gardens.
Ace,
Should we invite 2000 Guitars on the strict understanding only one at a time?
Del would make a splendid chanteuse, we could make a series of recordings a la Ella, Del sings the Linux Songbook, the OSX, Ububtu etc.,etc.
I refuse to make the Windows Songbook.
I’d love to hear Del sing The Mac Is Not a Typewriter. And the Terminal Man Pages Cycle.
Up to three guitars is tolerable for me.
And we have to find a really smart drummer, minimum 60 IQ.
I used to play drums, ages ago.
I’m pretty close to talentless (which is why I don’t play anymore).
Ace and J0n,
The drummer’s traditional task is to be the thickest of the band and at 60 IQ he will out gun the rest of us.
Drummers are useful. If they drool out of both sides of their mouth at the same time, the stage is level.
Yeah, you are probably right.
Have you conjured any band names?
How about Euphonious Bunk? The Beagles? My Bad? The Norman Fishingtackle Choir? The Kazoologists?
Oops, time for my spoons lesson.
Lessons? That’ll ruin our Free Jazz image.
Like ‘Euphonius Monk’ as I am a great admirer.
Can we put ‘Blue Monk’ on the play list, if we have one, as they tell me it is rising semi-tones. They are the ones next to each other on the piano, aren’t they?
Got Danny Thompson’s words, so Del can use her Torch Singer timbre.
No, it isn’t the French for ‘tree’.
Oooh I’m all excited to sing. I’ll need to start practicing.
I can even break glass with my voice. (Usually I start singing and people throw glass at me).
Oh yeah, a herd of some of my new experiments may have gotten loose in the tunnels. If you see anything strange down there let me know, and umm…. I’d suggest not confronting the creatures.
I know a bass player, but the drummer is usually the limiting reagent in these mixes.
I can play clarinet mouthpiece in a pinch.
I can play bass guys, but I don’t have the digital interface for the virtual rehearsal hall. And on the subject of drummers, probably need about a dozen of them, with all the spontanious combustion, sticks through the eye and the aimlessly wandering off inbetween sets.
I’m Me again everyone! I’m Me.
I missed myself.
Hi Del!
We need a drumbot. One that doesn’t use recreational drugs, and that can keep a steady beat. A metro gnome, if you will.
Phew. Finally. I had to upgrade the spam filter and the version of WordPress I was using but you’re back.
Don’t say I never did anything for ya!
Maybe this is too obvious for a name for the band, but how about “The TeraPosters”?
We also need a sound, Sound Engineer and an Acoustical Architect to conquer the egregious echo problems of the Tunnels.
Del, please make the the Metro Gnome thicker than us, a difficult task but you are more than capable of it.
As it is May Day Morn over here, Happy Beltane everyone
Ace,
Just remembered, could you change your French Hose mouthpiece from Trumpet to Flugelhorn?
You’ll sound Miles better.
So that’s how Clark Terry gets that marvelous tone on his hose. I’ll give it a try.
Why do Hawaiians like Spam anyway?
Spam Anyway?
Is that a new flavour?
So I was thinking for a drummer we could just pull the artifical heart out of a sexbot and amplify it. We just need to think of ways to get that heart racing in the proper spots. I’m thinking pictures of babies and puppies.
Great idea for the drummer, Del!
(and welcome back; we missed you too. “Not Del” just isn’t the same.)
I don’t know about the drummer solution Del, I’m still leaning towards a really crappy hunman drummer, due to the Contrast Theory*.
*Contrast Theory; Is the theory that postulates; if you put something really crappy (I mean really really crappy) among a group of things, it make the others look good if not great in comparison.
For example, if your going to a bar to pick up chicks, find someone who is (uglier, smellier, stupider etc. you know, what ever you problem is) than you. When you meet a couple of females, (I can see the chick remarks coming already, but I have already typed it and don’t feel like going back to change it), you’re sure not the get the one with the most problems, therefor you will not have the worst piece in the house. Does wonders for self esteem and bar tabs**.
**Won’t need to get near as drunk to make her look acceptable, save some change for later.~
Nevermind, forget the hunman drummer, he does not have to be German.
What if we got a German made sexbot for the drummer? I’ve heard the engineering on those hearts is amazing.
We can have the Monkey/Toad crosses play the cymbals. They are really bad, I think they’ll acomplish what you are looking for king. We may want to mute the cymbals some or else we will never get an audience.
Del, the only problem I have with a sexbot for a drummer is that all the horny bast… band members will be fighting over who gets to take the sexbot out to the van during breaks.t
Well it would just be the heart… Not being of the male persuasion I guess I don’t understand the attraction. Would it be better to have an entire drum section so there would be one heart for every band member?
We’d probably also need a spare, the last time I was in San Fran I left one there.
You would want to ruin a perfectly good sexbot to make a drummer!!!, I would shudder at the thought of running across a heartless sexbot.
Wait last week you said you’d pay extra for that (As long as she also had a whip and wore leather).
I know we figured out the drummer already, but if it matters I’ve had a habit throughout my life of banging on things – usually to smash them into itsy bitsy pieces, but that counts doesn’t it?
I played trombone way back in high school and I was actually pretty decent with it. Of course more recent attempts sound surprisingly like a heard of elephants regurgitating spam, but either:
1. It’ll make the rest of you sound so much better …
OR
2. I didn’t use to sound like this, a little practice and I’ll bet I can get my tone back. Then I’ll once again sound more like a pack of lions … regurgitating spam.
Oh – a band name. Some ideas crashing around my skull …
The CARS! – Nope, already taken.
The TeraPosters – I don’t know, I think I like the next one better.
The Tera Patricks – yeah, she can’t possibly sue ALL of us, can she?
Sexbot Hearts Make Great Metro Gnomes – naw, too long.
The Sexbots – why not? There was once a band called the Sex Pistols!
Vote now for your favorite! Feel free to suggest other possibilities that have eluded me for no good reason.
“Dude, what is that supposed to be?”
It’s supposed to be Polly Wolly Doodle.
“It sounds Polly Wolly Crappy!”
“Hey, did you guys hear an elephant getting sick?”
“Oh”
Walking Contradiction,
Are you blowing in the right end? I had to have ‘This way up!’ engraved on my tenor. Another thing, throw the big bit away, once saw Jack T play with just the slide and a glass.
Was going to add ‘The Lion sleeps tonight’ to the pad, might alter it to ‘The Lion doesn’t sleep tonight’
Del,
At my age need all the hearts you’ve got ready for rapid replacement.
Finding a name for the the band is always the hardest part. I know that with our tunnel-enhanced brain trust we’ll muddle through.
Meanwhile I’m finding candidates for the set list. Besides originals penned by our talented band members, I thought a few covers should be incorporated so that the audience can sing along occasionally.
Dan Hicks’ “How Can I Miss You (When You Won’t Go Away)” is a perennial crowd favorite. Here are the lyrics so you can start memorizing them:
I’ve talked to your mother and I’ve talked to your dad,
They say they’ve tried but it’s all in vain.
I’ve begged and I’ve pleaded, I even got mad,
Now we must face it, you give me a pain.
chorus: How can I miss you when you won’t go away?
I keep telling you day after day,
But you won’t listen, you always stay and stay,
How can I miss you when you won’t go away?
Out of three billion people, why must it be me?
Oh why, oh why won’t you cut me loose?
Do me a favor and listen to my plea
I’m not the only chicken in the roost.
Your never-ending presence really cramps my style,
I dream that it won’t always be the same.
At first I was attracted, but after a while,
Have you ever heard of a “hard to get” dame?”
Ace,
Received the band outfit sketches and although the split-to-the-thigh-off-the-whatsits style long dress might be highly suitable for Del, our esteemed chanteuse, I doubt if the rest of the band will wear it.
Waddya think of second hand Star Trek costumes? Or in extremis, longer ‘Darling Furballs’ tees?
Perhaps our friend John will sponsor us.
Hmm … I do have an old Superman costume. Maybe each of us could adopt a different superhero look and together use the name “The Supertonics.” Then we’d get the music groupies and superhero groupies as well. We geriatrics need every advantage.
Yes but tonics only go so far.
I wanna be Rose Tattoo!
YaY I get to be a Super HERO this time.
A band I was in years ago wanted to go with pink furlined jock straps, could never find them and we had no skills as a seemstress. In the internet age, surely they could be found.
That should be easy to glue, no sewing required. A black (automotive) glue gun would probably be the easiest way to get it to stick.
While you all are getting the costumes together, who is going to outfit the tour bus? Will definitely have to have flames on the side and tires designed for tunnel use.
I try to avoid putting profession strength adhesives anywhere near my groin area, I’m kind of crazy that way. We could use the glue gun though, you know if some of the band members have trouble fillig out their costumes.
I agree with Vitamin fortified, a tour bus is definatly the way to go, flames are cool but need to be glow in the dark or floresent somehow. And probably a private chamber in the back of the bus for groupie indoctrination.
Hey everybody! Check out this shiny new wallet that I got after I lost my other one somewhere… I have it here somewhere… hey goddamnit, what the..
Alright, I just had my brand-spankin’ new wallet right here in my pocket when I carefully walked past what looked like elephant barf, and now it’s gone. What is it with this place?
I’m outta here.
I’m composing a song that musically answers the question, “Does this dress make my butt look fat?”
The title of the song is, “It’s The Other Way Around.”
I have a feeling it won’t make the Top 40.
Speaking of the “other way around,” that’s why my kazoo wasn’t working: I had the wrong end in my mouth.
I played a trombone in high school too.
Then I let it slide.
We don’t need no stinking accordions!
Remember the definition of perfect pitch:
Tossing the accordion (or bagpipe) into the dumpster without hitting the sides.
Doc,
We could do with a Cajun or Zydeco accordion player as when they play the rest of the front line can go for a drink.
BTW Have just withdrawn the invitation to join our Morris Team. Del’s Roller Ponies enjoyed our music last year and provided a marvellous fly past display.
JJJS,
You played valve tenor trombone at school?
Nxxx, yeah I’m pretty sure it’s the right end. I sound much worse when I try from the other end. Besides, I can’t seem to get a seal between my mouth and the bell at the other end.
Not that it seems to matter much, it either sounds like an elephant puking up spam or an elephant farting, depending on which end I choose.
Maybe that slide only idea is worth trying. It might just sound more like a badger puking spam that way. I’ll let you know when I’m brave enough to try again.
I would like to submit my audition, http://cdbaby.com/cd/sholden I play bass on the 7th track (Long Haired Country Boy), I’m heavily invested in the project and that was the only song Scott would let me play on. I used to be good 20 years ago, but then there are a lot of things I used to be good at 20 years ago. Ahh, the ravages of old age and sloth.Y
I like cdbaby!
That’s where I’ve gotten my Jonathon Coulton cd’s. They also have some Tom Smith (not the banjoist guy, but the filker.)
From CD Baby’s website:
Tech things
Our servers are running FreeBSD, Apache, PHP, and MySQL.
No Microsoft products were used in the creation of this website.
KTD,
You’re in tune!
One of the Band qualifying questions is, ‘What are scales?’
The correct answer is, ‘Grow on fish and reptiles.’
You never told us it was Del singing, mezzo-soprano, I believe. Might get her a gig at Covent Garden.
Very useful in the fruit market.