You know, I’d feel bad about us not getting a post together tonight, but I know for a fact that you just come here for the comments anyway, so it’s no big deal.
Anyway, you’ve got the whole weekend ahead of you and a wad of cash in your sweaty little fist (which is all covered in Cheeto dust), so maybe you could dump a little of it on one of our fine advertisers.
There’s Rogue Amoeba. They make good stuff. Although Kafasis tried to kill me that one time.
Well, there’s also Delicious Monster. The things they can do with an iSight camera. Tell you what. Although Shipley did call me a… well, let’s just say he said I like to do something to dogs that I don’t. Totally. I mean… really. I don’t even know how that would work.
Anyway, that brings us to our new advertisers: Shiny White Box and Many Tricks. They also make boss software and so far neither of their CEOs has tried to kill me or accused me of being into bestiality.
Of course, we’ve only just met so…
I should probably give them some time.
…
Do you think Gruber has this kind of relationship with his advertisers?
Sorry about that Nxxx, it’s just a consequence of a mispent youth, would it help to tell you I can’t sing in any form or fashion that is pleasing to the ear, that why I gave up, who needs a bass player who can’t sing.
Hmmm. That reminds me of my analogy for my singing.
Tenor: A goat crapping a rose bush.
Baritone: A moose passing a pumpkin.
Actually, I have also performed second tenor which is somewhere between the two. Possibly a heifer calving while being attacked by bees.
KTD:
The Beatles needed a bass player who couldn’t sing, because they didn’t have one of those. Where were you then?
How much does a pennywhistle cost these days?
Hey Ace, you’re raising people’s hopes. Pennywhistles have six toneholes, which will prove too much for our under 60 IQ musos. I’ve found out I can play now two different notes on the tenor, does this rule me out?
Just been inspired towards
‘this’
as a band name or
‘The One Note Recorder Consort’.
Cool, man, cool.
Van Morrison had “Them,” some friends of mine in high school had a band called “The The.”
How about “Sounds Off”?
I don’t think we’ve hit the perfect name for the band yet, but how’s this for the name of a song?
“The Tunnels Are Filled With Genetic Experiments Gone Awry”
Apart from, die, sigh, lie or dye, what can rhyme with awry?
Ardingly perhaps but the tunnels don’t reach Sussex. “Or do they?” he enquired nervously.
My Lawds, Ladeezzzz and Jenelmen, give it up for the original Bad Taste band
Al Kiyeeder and the Fundaments!
Or would that raise too many problems with the orforities?
Pie of course! You know how CARS loves pie. We’ve also got classics like cry, fly, by or bi, hi or high, eye or I, my, tie, vie, & why.
I think that gives a good start.
Del,
As well as Esteemed Chanteuse you have just become The Official Lyricist.
And now we break from the exciting contest to name the band
for a rush to the next milestone!
Let’s hear it for ***888***
(Nice belt!)(Nice belt!)(Nice belt!)
“The Tunnels Are Filled With Genetic Experiments Gone Awryâ€
The Tunnels Are Filled With Genetic Experiments Gone Awry
Their horrific visage would make Cthulu cry
They’ll rend you limb from limb
They’ll shoot acid in your face
You’ve only got one ally
The solar roller ponies who fly
They’ll hunt you in the dark
You’ll have no place to hide
If you don’t wanna die
set you iFlame’s blast to high!
What do you think of the first verse?
Those are great lyrics, Del. Too bad the tune doesn’t match the quality.
Ooh, I wanted to nab the 888 but missed.
And you sing much prettier than Yoko.
Nice Belt NIce Belt Nice Belt
Whoa! That was quick!
Nice lyrics Del, and great work on the 888!
Now we need a good tune.
Two questions.
1) 888. How did Del know that is my shape?
2) Tune? We are going to each choose a note and play that one and only that one for the duration of tune. Known technically as a ‘Head Arrangement’ but please don’t let the sexbots see this.
Oh yes. The first band I was in played that way, except it was all hand bells and we only played one gig at the Christmas concert in elementary school. I think I was B-flat.
Another question.
3) How could Nxxx mistake Doc for Del?
Answer: Cos he’s an ancient idiot. Apologies to both.
It seems that I’m not going to make the band, but I will be available to throw rotten vegetables, dead cats (no kittens), incendiary devises and other such entertaining items onto the stage. Let me know when the first gig is.}
Throw beer bottles! (Especially full ones, I get thirsty when I sing).
ktd,
You are our NUMBER ONE muso. How can we possibly operate without THE STAR instrumental soloist? You are so needed by the band that we’ll wrap your instrument in shiny cooking foil so that the fans know you are the star.
*Was it Johnson that said something about “Prefer him inside the tent pissing out rather than outside pissing in”?*
As well as solos and assembly playing you have become Official Missile Thrower, just remember nasty, out, alcohol, in.
How about Del Linux and the Knights in Armour? Brass and reed players will have the mouthpiece inside the helmet and the instrument outside. Suggest ear defenders should be part of band kit.
Coming up on the coveted 900
Thanks for the vote of confidence Nxxx, (that’s what it was?,…. wasn’t it?) I picked bass to avoid being a star, (to avoid stalkers, infected groupies and Official Missile Throwers) And I would never piss into a tent, (well,… at least not any I would ever have a need to enter). As for the other item, the bass plays so low it would not do for a solo instrument. (I apologize for that realy lame pun, but it was just laying there begging, what’s a guy to do?)
Del, the only beer bottles I throw are empty, can’t seem to get my heart behind throwing the full ones.@
Del, how does the chorus go?
I can envision background singers repeating, “iFlames on high; iFlames on high…”, but I don’t know what the lead singer’s lyrics are.
Boy, I wonder who’s going to get 900.
Me?
Score!
(Or rather, Forty-five Score!)
I think the real milestone is 2,048: Two to the Eleventh!
Sounds like you have the band all buttoned up already. If you decide you don’t need a trombone player that sounds like an elephant farting, can I at least be a roadie?
Check. Check.
Check 1 2. I’m checking my love for you.
OK, I don’t remember the rest, but Homer has the lyrics for me. I’ll study them later.
You’re so ordinary Baby
You’re so frigging plain
I hardly notice your arrivals
Or even when you leave again
You’re innocuous and boring
You’re dull as dirt
You’re way less interesting than
A light blue polo shirt
I don’t mind you hanging around
I’ve said so from the start
No one will even notice
Please go outside to fart
It’s my attempt at a ballad. I thought that the soundtrack from the Sound of Music would sound good behind it, especially if we can get some girl who doesn’t bathe regularly or shave her armpits to play along on the Cello.
Or possibly the oboe.
That class of woman usually plays bass clarinet, like Eric Dolphy.
I thought about bassoons, violas, catheters, and daffodils, but I never considered bass clarinets.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to wash my mouth out with soap.
Rip,
You’ve got it!
Band uniform light blue polo shirt, with real poliomyelitis.
I was thinking about getting the kittens for backup singers/bouncers.
Will this be a marching band? Because if it is, Woody Allen wants to play cello. Otherwise he’ll stay in the Dixieland clarinet section.
If we could get Dean Kamen to sponsor us, we could be the world’s first Segway marching band. That way I could actually make it through an entire parade without keeling over.
Rip Ragged crooned this through the tunnels:
HEY, I WASN’T FARTING, I WAS PRACTICING!
Oh, you weren’t talking about me. Sorry.
Walking Contradiction got 911
In true TP tradition he will be attack by rabid marmosets. He will need to get to a phone and call 911 in order to be rescued by a troop of Nurse Betty sexbots before he gets torn limb from limb by the angry mammals.
Light blue polo shirts, black and white checkered pants, and pink fuzzy bunny slippers (with proper arch support of course). For hats I’m torn between red felt crushers, and powder blue tipping caps with butterfly print.
Maybe we should get Moltz to form a committee, or possibly a riot — complete with looting and other examples of poor breeding.
My favorite philosopher —
More than any time in history mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
— Woody Allen
Nurse Betty sexbots? Are we talking, like, Betty Rubble? That would just be sick. Cool as shit, but sick.
Kittens as back up singers? I was thinking of strangling the odd one as it would sound better than my sax.
Also play melodeon for a Morris side. Any chance of knee bells to keep me happy?
Gaah!
Problem is, the kittens won’t stop singing if we’re playing in a club that serves seafood.
Wait a cotton pickin second here …
Now 911 is my fault? What the hell? I was in bed sleeping that day, how can it be my fault?
Del, my touch tone phone only has 10 numbers on it, 1 through 0 … or I guess I should say 0 through 9 … where do I find the ‘911’ button? And if I can figure that out, is there any way that I can be torn asunder by Nurse Betty sexbots instead of rabid marmosets? The marmosets wouldn’t have to save me in that case …
We can try it that way. First you have to get a new phone, one that has 911 on it. I’ve heard the new iPhone does. You’ll have to wait for the Betties until the iPhones are out.
911? Hey. This is bullshit. I need to talk to a steward. I’m not kidding. Get Human Resources on the phone right frigging now. They promised me there wouldn’t be any math.
911. Shit. There’s two ones in it. All I’m sure of is that I’m supposed to carry one of them. Which one do you carry? Will the iPhone do that for me or do I have to wait for marmosets in comfortable white shoes?
Is there a button to call for a nurse Betty? Wait. There’s only one button.
I’m confused again. Still? Is somebody bringing soup?