Nothing. Nadda. Zip. Zilch.

You know, I’d feel bad about us not getting a post together tonight, but I know for a fact that you just come here for the comments anyway, so it’s no big deal.

Anyway, you’ve got the whole weekend ahead of you and a wad of cash in your sweaty little fist (which is all covered in Cheeto dust), so maybe you could dump a little of it on one of our fine advertisers.

There’s Rogue Amoeba. They make good stuff. Although Kafasis tried to kill me that one time.

Well, there’s also Delicious Monster. The things they can do with an iSight camera. Tell you what. Although Shipley did call me a… well, let’s just say he said I like to do something to dogs that I don’t. Totally. I mean… really. I don’t even know how that would work.

Anyway, that brings us to our new advertisers: Shiny White Box and Many Tricks. They also make boss software and so far neither of their CEOs has tried to kill me or accused me of being into bestiality.

Of course, we’ve only just met so…

I should probably give them some time.

…

Do you think Gruber has this kind of relationship with his advertisers?

2,949 thoughts on “Nothing. Nadda. Zip. Zilch.”

  1. Let’s leave opera out of the tunnels please. Could you imagine the reverberation caused by some of those baritones. Plus, it could never end. (til the fat lady sings, never get her in these tunnels), besides, it could wake up that thing I found in one of the tunnels we dug too greadily and too deep,(some flame and shadow type thingy)

    I’ll take bellowing and screaching in forgien tongues for $3.142857143i

  2. I think we should elephants in the tunnels! We could strap drills to their heads for drilling. Imagine how big our tunnels would be.

    I’ll take “Really Bad Ideas” for $500, Alex.

  3. Elephants in the tunnels? Good heavens. They’ll make a tremendous mess. We’ll have junk scattered everywhere.

    I’ll vote to allow opera, but only light, comic opera. None of that Verdi and Wagner crap. Gilbert & Sullivan is tolerable. It’s still annoying, but at least it’s in English.

    I’ll take “Things to do in Denver When You’re Dead” for a bus pass and a quart of Thunderbird, Alex.

  4. Another day, another crisis. The first annual marathon tunnel run between Zanzibar and Dar es Salaam has concluded in chaos. It seems the promoters neglected to specify whether the start was at the mainland entrance or the Zanzibar entrance. Consequently about half the participants started at each entrance, and with the tunnels not adequately illuminated, hundreds of head-on collisions have jammed up the tunnel. Runners are having to use unconscious runners as stretchers to rescue other unconscious runners.

    We need to lighten up, people. Use lightning bugs if necessary.

  5. That’s a great idea. Let’s all lighten up. I’ve been thinking of going blond for a while anyway. What a great opportunity.

    I suggest we widen the tunnels and put in sidewalks, parking meters, and gum wrappers with wads of chewed Juicy Fruit. Then we can charge a toll for runners who run over unconscious runners’ stretchers and stretchers who should be running.

    Also, we should insist that Zanzibar is never spoken; it should only be sung in the same key and meter as in the Patty Duke show theme song.

    Thank goodness I got here when I did.

  6. My hair has lightened up naturally.

    It is so light that it floats off my head.

    Should an elephant suffer diarrhoea, suggest you treat it as a roundabout.

  7. That raises another problem.
    We Brits and most of our ex-empire and commonwealth drive on the left. You followers of Napoleon, Boney, not the Animal Farm pig, drive on the right.
    Therefore in future, all traffic in the tunnels should stay in the middle and overtake on the roof.

  8. (Sung to the tune of “I’m the Very Model of a Model Major-General”)
    There’s antimony, arsenic, aluminum, selenium,
    And hydrogen and oxygen and nitrogen and rhenium,
    And nickel, neodymium, neptunium, germanium,
    And iron, americium, ruthenium, uranium,
    Europium, zirconium, lutetium, vanadium,
    And lanthanum and osmium and astatine and radium,
    And gold and protactinium and indium and gallium,
    And iodine and thorium and thulium and thallium.

    There’s yttrium, ytterbium, actinium, rubidium,
    And boron, gadolinium, niobium, iridium,
    And strontium and silicon and silver and samarium,
    And bismuth, bromine, lithium, beryllium, and barium.

    There’s holmium and helium and hafnium and erbium,
    And phosphorus and francium and fluorine and terbium,
    And manganese and mercury, molybdenum, magnesium,
    Dysprosium and scandium and cerium and cesium.
    And lead, praseodymium, and platinum, plutonium,
    Palladium, promethium, potassium, polonium,
    And tantalum, technetium, titanium, tellurium,
    And cadmium and calcium and chromium and curium.

    There’s sulfur, californium, and fermium, berkelium,
    And also mendelevium, einsteinium, nobelium,
    And argon, krypton, neon, radon, xenon, zinc, and rhodium,
    And chlorine, carbon, cobalt, copper, tungsten, tin, and sodium.

    These are the only ones of which the news has come to Ha’vard,
    And there may be many others, but they haven’t been discavard.

  10. Who would have thought that one of the tunnels from the UK to Africa would be big enough to hold a cricket match. Here is how a recent match went:

    England A 359 & 130-5 bt Bangladesh A 209 & 279 by 5 wkts

    Alex Loudon
    Loudon had a profitable match with both bat and ball
    England A triumphed in an exciting run chase on the final afternoon to record a five-wicket victory over Bangladesh A in the four-day ‘Test’.

    Having top-scored with 71, Alex Loudon continued his fine match by taking 5-76 with his off-spinners as Bangladesh were dismissed for 279.

    All-rounder Tim Bresnan weighed in with an economic 2-23 from 16 overs.

    Set 130 to win, Matt Prior and Nick Compton shared a rapid 68 as victory was achieved with two balls remaining.

    Prior was the catalyst for the victorious chase, with a rapid 50 from 52 balls.

    But it was Loudon who set up the chance of a win, with excellent control and clever use of his doosra delivery, which accounted for two outside edges.

    “I’ve been able to bowl the doosra pretty well for a couple of years,” he said.

    “I’m trying to get it better obviously, but I’ve been more interested in other facets of my bowling. I can bowl a lot better, and it was frustrating at times, but it was a massive team effort.”

  11. Doc W., I remember hearing that on Doctor Demento when I was in college (ages ago). Thanks for the memory!

    Those were the songs! “Fish Heads!” “Pencil-Neck Geek!” “These Newts Were Made for Crawling!” All the Weird Al Yankovic songs!

    Speaking of the old days, has anyone seen my cassette tape collection? I left it next to my vinyl record collection. (I refuse to admit to ever having had an eight-track tape collection.)

  12. JOn, I believe I saw Moltz taping them over to back up his eight-track collection.

    I’ll take “Inconsiderate Acts” for $202 Alex

  13. Oh my god, there’s cricket and musical theater in the Tera-Post! Who told the bouncers they could have the day off?

    Pygmy elephants are more manageable. And with lasers strapped to their heads? Fuhgeddaboutit.

  14. That cricket report is a forgery.
    England beating Bangladesh, in your dreams.

    2 pence for A nightingale singing in Berkely Square, Alex.

  15. I’m with Ace, who needs a rogue pygmy elephant with a head mounted laser. Might be good for burning off hemoriods though. Maybe Huh? could do something on a meerkat frame?

    I’ll take a mentos and coke, shaken not stirred Alexf

  16. I don’t mind cricket or musicals in the tunnel. However I do mind Jiminy Cricket singing anyting in the tunnels. Self-righteous insect. Always thinks he knows best. I am sure giving the pygmy elephants meth had nothing to do with Pinochio trampled.

    A little teapot short and stout for 20 sixpence, Alex

  17. OK, here’s what happened.

    I was walking around in the tunnels, again trying to find something that I recognized, when I heard someone singing. I instinctively headed that direction, hoping to find someone who could tell me where in the fuck I was. Soon I noticed with each step that the singing not only got louder, it … well, it got more self-righteous as well. I was getting pretty annoyed with it, then it stopped. I froze in my tracks, trying to figure out where the sound went. Then I looked at the bottom of my shoes and there he was.

    I killed Jimminy Cricket. It wasn’t my fault though, it’s pretty dark here in these damn tunnels and I just stepped on him.

    Did someone say meth? I’m getting pretty sick and tired of walking around in here, I need energy. And a sexbot, I’m still a bloody mess. Except I don’t think it’s blood anymore, blood doesn’t usually stink this bad.

  19. I have officially corrected my Gilbert and Sullivan deficiency. Thanks Doc.

    I want to be a pirate in the Pirates of Penzance
    Wear me silver-buckled slippers and me tight shiny pants

    And whistle all the airs from that infernal nonsense Pinafore.

    Side note: I think we have an infestation of iThinkicanithinkican. Can this be corrected by large infusions of iAmthepirateking?

  20. Psyko, are you still still here?

    Man alive, it’s dark in these tunnels since my glow worms died.

  21. Pinocchio and Jiminy Cricket gone? Now there’s some good news. There was a mouthy rodent hanging from a rafter in one of the California entrances. Was that what I thought it was?

    Keep the little teapot short: I’ll just have a pint of the stout. You name the price, Alex.

  22. I find it difficult to tell the difference between crickets, grasshoppers and locusts.
    Is it all right to stamp on them all?

    3 new pence for Make the Punishment Fit the Crime Alex.

    Oh and 4 new pence for Ice Cold In Alex, Alex.

  23. Word of warning guys do NOT try to out drink the elephants. The stories I could tell if I could remember the last couple of days.

    I’ll take “What’s that strange taste” for $2344, Alex.

  24. Speaking of which, an elephant drank a hot tub of everclear in the Sumatra-Sulawesi tunnel, and proceeded to trash the place, trumpeting about “that bitch,” before falling asleep in its own effluvia.

    I’ll take “Alex, Girl or Boy?” for $2000, Alex.

  26. Good work, J0n! And you’re welcome for the Lehrer. I had an LP of his stuff (e.g., Poisoning Pigeons in the Park, the Masochism Tango, etc.), which unfortunately died in the flood.

  28. Oh, that’s just great. We finally have a little peace from the iPrairiedogs and Del has to go and corrupt the elephants.

    Ah well. War is heck.

    The Literary Works of Anna Nicole Smith for 3.1415927… ,Alex.

  29. Hey, something’s missing.
    I’m Welsh.
    It is Saint David’s Day.
    Where are the daffodils, the leeks, the male voice choirs and the piss up?

  30. Doc W., back in college, I taped broadcasts of Dr. Demento (ah, the analog days!). A few months ago, I found some of the tapes; they still played!

    I think Lehrer’s stuff has actually held up pretty well over time. (And so has the Monty Python bits.)

    Other stuff (e.g., “Punk Polka,” “Disco’s in the Garbage (Right Where It Belongs),” “Warm Leatherette,”, etc.) is no longer amusing (at least to me).

    Del, see if you can get the elephants to leave the tunnels at the Redmond exit. I hear there’s a place there running low on big piles of crap.

  32. No, I was talking about some place that makes software products. Apparently, they’ve recently released a new version (of an OS, I think), and it appears that there’s so much crap in each disk that their inventory of crap is running low.

  34. MS will never run out of crap guys, they have a patent on a perpetual crapping machine from the mid 70’s. They sat around for a few years looking for a potential market, then finally came up with software / OS, (OS originally stood for ooooh shit!!!, when they found out the the machine could never be turned off)

    I’ll take the universe where I’m the master of all Time Space and Demension, for free!! Alex.

  35. The fun thing about being in Michigan is that the weather today was
    sleet followed by snow followed by freezing rain followed by a thunderstorm (Rinse and Repeat). It takes about 4 hours to get through them all and start over.

  36. Del, you’ve obviously been washing your car again. We had a little bit of snow yesterday, but the scaresnow frightened it away.

  37. Snow, that’s the stuff you line up on mirrors and snort up your nose, right? That shit falls from the sky in Michigan? We hand over our eldest living child for that stuff in California.

    Of course, we don’t have to deal with the sleet here, whatever *that* is. We don’t even have to suffer through much rain, unless the upstairs neighbor had one of those parties last night. And the snow we get is top notch, I’ll bet the stuff that falls for free will barely get you high.

  38. Oops, I forgot …

    I’ll take “what’s that white powdery stuff under your nose” for $42,000 Alex.

  39. Rain, sleet and snow INSIDE the tunnels in Michigan?
    And there was silly me thinking the weather in the tunnels on this side of the Pond was bad.

  41. Ahh yes, California. Mudslides, wildfires, earthquakes, plastic surgery. Not many tornadoes though.

    I’ve found one tunnel that surfaces in Disneyland, inside the Matterhorn.

    Has anyone found the tunnel of love?

  42. Haven’t found the tunnel of love. But I just passed the tunnel of mild crush.

    It is just raining plain rain in south. And with the weather, that explains why I saw a little dog and a lion and some babe obsessed with rainbows running through the Kansas tunnel

  46. Damn, just my luck. Just missed being post 420. D’oh!

    I found the tunnel of love once, but then I lost it again when she went back out onto the streets.

  47. I once found the tunnel of forgetfulness,(well I sorta remember finding it, …maybe,.. it might have been a hallucination, don’t eat the mushrooms you find on the elephant piles) though I can’t remember where it was or when I found it. I thought I had once found the tunnel of lost love, but looking back, it was probably the tunnel of mild infatuation, or at best the tunnel of temperary lust.

    I’ll take some of those people who are not smarter than a 5th grader for $1.25 a square foot Alex (I need some blank slates to redo my kitchen floor)

  48. We have a shipment of tunnel diodes and two cases of funnel cakes. Or is it the other way around. At any rate, this should help with the drunk elephants — several of whom say they don’t remember who Del is.

  49. Del who?

    The elephants are worried about the illicit ivory trade in Tuskaloosa. They’re going all dental on us.

  50. Hey, did some one drop their tetrode thermionic valve?
    Found it over by tunnels P and N.

    No elephants there, either.
    Wierd…

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