Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Q: I read recently that Apple had issued an enabler for 802.11n and I was wondering how I go about downloading and installing that.

A: Oh, you don’t want to do that.

Q: What? Why not?

A: Well, look, it’s one thing to be 802.11n. It’s another thing to be an 802.11n enabler.

Q: Ooh. Gosh. I hadn’t thought of that. I feel just terrible.

A: Yeah, I mean, it’s one thing for you to decide that you’re going to experiment with something that doesn’t even have a final spec, but to enable your Mac to get into the dangerous 802.11n lifestyle…

Q: I’m sorry! I didn’t think… Wait. What the hell are we talking about?

A: We’re talking about you and what a terrible, terrible person you are.

Q: All I wanted was a faster wireless network!

A: Pervert.

Q: I am not a… Well, OK, I am, but that’s got nothing to do with this!

Q: I was trying to install some RAM in my Mac Pro and, well, I kind of went a little crazy.

A: Oh. You mean you maxed it out?

Q: Oh, I maxed it out. I maxed the hell out of it.

A: Ooh! 16 GB?!

Q: Yeah. And then I got out the soldering iron!

A: You… what?

Q: I got some solder and I soldered a whole crap load more on top of it!

A: Huh?

Q: Yeah! So, I’ve got 64 GB, but the problem is I can’t access it all.

A: Uh, well, yeah, that’s because it won’t take more than 16 GB.

Q: What? Sure it will. You just have to get out the soldering iron and…

A: No. Look, you can solder it all day long and…

Q: Actually, it took me a couple of days.

A: …you won’t be able to access any more than 16 GB.

Q: Mmm. No. I think you’re wrong. I think I just need some more solder.

A: Well, you give that a try and let me know how that works out.

Q: Oh, hey, do you know where I can buy solder by the pound?

A: Nnno.

Q: I got a new iMac few weeks ago and I’m trying to do some web development work on it but I’m having trouble configuring MAMP.

A: OK. Where are you hung up?

Q: Well, I have Apache set up. And I have MySQL configured and running. And I have PHP running. It’s just that I can’t seem to get the Old High Latin language XML running.

A: The what?

Q: But that’s not really crucial. What I really want to dig into is diagonal class inheritance.

A: Diagonal class inheritance?

Q: Yeah! When you’re coding you can inherit from the parent class or the one next to it! Or any class diagonal to the one you’re coding!

A: What? I’m… pretty sure that’s not right.

Q: Sure it is. Oh, and I really think I could leverage the option to compile packages with pretty bows.

A: Uh… you’re not really a programmer, are you?

Q: I like pretty bows.

A: Of course you do.

42 thoughts on “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.”

  1. I guess you are right, John. Hanging around the back of the CARS building by the dumpster late at night, watching the janitor discard used sexbots and watching Ballmer and Enderle fight over the last scraps of Apple news just to be first post is a reason, no matter how lame it is.

    Dust bunnies with a wasabi glaze, the breakfast of champions

  2. Diagonal class inheritance. Isn’t that what’s responsible for the British royal family?

  3. My 17 year old daughter came in and woke me up to say she was going to stay overnight at a girlfriend’s. I came to the computer room cause I couldn’t get back to sleep and this is the kind of help you offer? Should I just bring her tea on schooldays and if she goes back to sleep, keeps getting up late, and flunks her final year of high school, has to repeat, gets shut out of college, and moves in with her bum boyfriend? Or should I keep nagging until she gets out of bed, drive her to school half the time, and screw up my own morning? -6-

  4. I burnt myself with solder once. I was melting it with my iron to make the shiny globs, not soldering anything in particular, then a sudden noise or something made me start and several drops went flying off the edge and hit my hand. God that hurt. Luckily they were very small globs, and I can’t even see the scar anymore. True story.

  5. I just realized CARS is “powered by WordPress.” I always thought it was powered by sleep deprivation, Artie MacStrawman, and a desperate belief in sexbots.

  6. A million blessings on you John. (Hope that doesn’t give him a heart attack.)

    I’ve done the same as your second questioner. Managed 8 TB in my Mac Mini, now realise that following your answer, this was wrong. Unfortunately the heat was so great during the de-soldering, the Mini melted.

    If I put the remains in the freezer compartment, will it recover?

  7. Could Artie Mac Strawman and the soldering iron guy really be one and the same person? Have you ever seen both of them in the same room? How about together in a photograph?

    Think about it, won’t you?

  8. Where can I use this chip ?

    You know, the fresh one, not the blond one…

    That’s it, Leonidas Poncherello !

    I want a Ponch sticker on my computer, it sure will enable it.

    Since we didn’t have those ‘Intel Inside’ stickers, finally…

  9. Nxxx, It won’t recover but it will preserve it until science can find a cure. That’s the kindest thing you can do.

    And remember everyone, friends don’t let friends get drunk and stick their tongues in electric sockets just to see if their eyes will glow like in the cartoons.

  10. Hey, WTF!! I told the guys at Rogue Amoeba that the Entity sent me and someone started throwing rocks at me.

  11. First to use the word: anthropomorphic.

    I agree with the questioner. With enough soldiers you can make a Mac Pro do anything. Well, almost anything. It won’t cook down properly for a good béarnaise sauce, and it really doesn’t have anyplace to hook up jumper cables to start you car. Other than that, it will do just about anything. If you have enough soldiers.

    It’s time for my medication, now.

  12. Re #3:

    For reasons of cleanliness (and just downright ickyness or sloppy seconds, etc.), please do not take the used sexbots from the trash. You don’t know where they’ve been!

    I keep getting shocks every time I try to plug my iMac into my brain. I mean, I could use the additional storage space, but the shocks are beginning to bother me a bit. I keep twitching…

  13. If Moltz hadn’t said there would be no help desk, I would have checked in last night.

    So I missed all the fun, or more likely dodged a bullet.

  14. With the Friday posts, the fun lasts all weekend. For example, my PowerBook G4 loves to be anthropomorphized.

    “Come on baby, pretend I’m a person some more. Talk to me as though you think I understand what you’re saying!”

    There’s a paradox somewhere in all this, I just know it.

  15. Streetrabbit, I’m suing you on the grounds of copyright infringement. You used my name in your post which you made on February 10th, 2007 at 12:06 am. Cease and desist at once! En garde!

    If Apple can do it, so can I!

  16. If a tree fell in the forest and nobody was there to hear it would it make a cliché?

    blank, there seems to be only one dox. I think the other one is in an earlier comment, or possibly over on the TP.

    Pac Man was right.

  17. “Oh, hey, do you know where I can buy solder by the pound?”

    Well, acually, now that you mention it, plumbers solder is quite heavy. And it is thick, so you can quickly erect that RAM to the uh, where was I going with this?

    ( Tent™® pitched in Pants®

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