New Apple EULA Contains New Restrictions.

Crazy Apple Rumors Site has learned from highly reliable sources that Apple is preparing a new end-user license agreement (EULA) for its hardware products.

Annoyed that the company’s products are frequently featured in advertising, stock photos or entertainment with the signature Apple logo removed by digital editing or other means, Apple will now demand that all photographs and video of its products clearly display the Apple logo.

This agreement will be implemented as seal on the lip of the plastic bag normally covering Apple hardware. Breaking the seal will constitute agreeing to the EULA.

A visibly drunk senior vice president of worldwide marketing Phil Schiller slurred “You know, we put that shtupid logo on there for a reason. I don’t need Veronica fricking Mars putting a god damn flower vashe in front of it every time her MacBook Pro’s in a shot.

“Fricking pisses me off.”

Schiller took another slug of his Jager-bomb and yelled “I’m trying to shell shome computers here!”

Copyright activists preemptively denounced the move as a draconian measure that would prove unenforceable.

“If I want to put my genitalia over the Apple logo on my MacBook, have a picture taken of it from between my legs and then post it to a chat room,” said Cory Doctorow, “that’s my right as an Apple customer! It’s my machine and I con violate it however I like! I mean, I put Ubuntu on the damn thing! Humping the Apple logo is nothing.”

Other than Schiller, Apple declined to comment for this story. And we had to drive him home.

31 thoughts on “New Apple EULA Contains New Restrictions.”

  1. Humping a MacBook? That’s just pathetic. Talk about desperate. At least show the decency and taste to spooge a MacBook Pro. Else why even bother at all.

    I’ll trade the Reading Railroad for Mediterranean Avenue and a utility.

  2. Get your rumors straight CARS staff, Doctorow put Ubuntu on a ThinkPad. He may still teabag his MacBook, but not running Ubuntu. I don’t like thinking about it either way. Great, now the nightmares will start again.

  3. I said it before, an’ I’ll say it again: Canajians cain’t hold their liquor. (Or to use Canajian spellin’, liquououoououououououououuuuuuuur, eh?)

  4. I think you’re wrong, Carb. But it’s late and I’m sleepy and stuff so I’ll leave it for you to figure out.

    Plus, I still have to drive Schiller home.

  5. Moltzy, i know Schiller’s hot n all, but don’t even think of taking advantage of him in his drunken state

  6. sheesh.. just wasn’t paying attention. time flew by and i never noticed. now i’m 11.

  7. Well I would like to see this Macbook that is running teabagging…. I mean, Ubuntu.

    Can someone tell my why Amazon is selling “Mac OS X 10.2 Jaguar [Old Version]” for $299. Maybe it is a super secret Ultra Max Premium Ultimate Home Media Center Edition.

    I have noticed that on Iron Chef America, they have defaced their Cinema displays with stickers over the Apple logo’s. Hey at least the new hit Fox TV show “The Wedding Bells” not only had non defaced Mac Book Pros, but also an iPod and HiFi! Maybe jobs is getting it on with Teri Polo or something. Not that I watched that show or anything.

    Top 15 again! Wooo whooooo!

    I’ll take a large water, with ice cubes on the side, to go please.

    Here is a really serious question, any truth to the rumors that Doctorow and McStawman are really one in the same, and he is just suffering from schizophrenia?


  8. Is it true that I’m actually the only reader of CARS and the rest of you are just made up by John Moltz? That would explain why I can never get into the top ten.

    Unless we’ll all figments of his imagination?

  9. Mark,

    Conspiracy theories abound about the authorship of CARS comments and the identities of people like you and me. Just about everybody has claimed that all of us are misrepresenting ourselves, and who can prove otherwise?

    I for one am quite sure I’m not really Ace Deuce, because I tried to cash some of his checks and got busted. Luckily I had a proxy do the jail time for me, and coincidentally his name was Ace Deuce.

  10. They wouldn’t have this problem if they’d replace that glowing white Apple with a pink My Little Pony.

    But noooooooo…they don’t listen to me.

    Ignore. Me. At. Your. Peril.

  11. Sweet Sixteen, two days in a row. I feel like a princess. Perhaps I am.

  12. Re: #13 — I don’t know about you, but the figments of my imagination are better looking than I am.

    Since John was driving Phil home, does that mean he’s part of Phil’s Posse? Or was John driving the whole posse home?

  13. This is something I think Apple should really look into… if you’re going to make a profit from having a frickin’ sexy computer in your commercial or movie, then you should have to leave the Apple logo in plain sight!

  14. Chris, I already noticied that like a couple months ago. You’re violating my copyright. I’m not sure how, but my lawyer says it’s legitimate grounds for legal action.

  15. Actually all of the comments herein are derivative and therefore subject to litigation under copyright laws. All contributors are hereby ordered to cease and desist from further violation of federal statutes.

    Consider this your last warning — Sheriff TABP

    (note: there is a job-opening available for comic-relief sidekick in the upcoming old-west / sci-fi / adult movie “Shoot-out at the OK Corral”. Laptop is optional)

  16. Dear John,

    First off, no, it’s not that kind of a “dear John” letter. I still love you.

    As to the machine/platform that Doctorow is running Ubuntu on, I will refer you to this bOINGbOING entry of December 8th, 2006. (I will not tag this URL as I would probably frack it up, and who knows how long it would take to fix. So you’ll just have to copy/paste the URL into a address field)

    You will find Cory refers to his “StinkPad” in the text of the post.

    It is still entirely possible that I am wrong about him (Doctorow) running Ubuntu on a MacBook nowadays, but I am fairly sure that he does, or has run it on a ThinkPad in the recent past.

    So there Mr. Smarty-pants rumor man!

    Signed humbly,


  17. Hey! The link is active without tags! It’s like friggin’ magical magic!!

    Hooray for the advanced technology that is WordPress.

  18. So many topics today, I just can’t choose. Let’s see…

    Artie MacStrawman and Paul Thurrott are actually the same person.

    Those honkin’-big Apple monitors actually look pretty good with an Iron Chef logo.

    Cory and his big Ubuntu? All I can say about that is, “tee emm aye!”

  19. If the Apple logo was testicles and a penis, this ‘covering up’ problem wouldn’t exist.

    Nobody wants to see, or display, a stupid apple with a bite out of it. It’s embarrassing!

    But a nicely tailored package…different story. Imagine that logo pulsating on the lid of a MacBook. More powerful machines would have a bigger logo. And when the machine’s getting a good workout say editing raw photos while rendering video, the logo would throb. A Net Nanny plug-in would cause the logo to ‘stiffen’. Maybe.

  20. > Artie MacStrawman and Paul Thurrott are actually the same person.

    Huh. I wasn’t sure who Paul Thurrott was, so I Googled him and had a look at his blog, and I can see why you guys make fun of him — for someone who claims to be a general technology blogger, he’s really rather blatantly an Apple shill. I mean, look at his blog ( — of the 10 stories there, 8 are about Apple; and the latest post is titled “Go beyond Vista, It’s time to get a Mac”! You’d think the guy could be a bit more subtle.

    Not to mention his slavishly glowing reviews of every version of OSX (e.g. And his ipod reviews (e.g. read like they’re written by Apple’s PR department — I mean, “There’s no such thing as perfect, of course, but the new iPod shuffle comes pretty close”? How blatant can you get?

    The only thing that makes me doubt the fact that he’s on Apple’s payroll is that he’s also written good reviews of more than one Linux distribution (e.g.; which an Apple shill would probably not have done — though he might have done it deliberately to put people off the scent. I mean, hell, if such an obvious Apple fan thinks naming his site “*win*supersite” will put people off the scent, who knows what else he might do?

    What do you guys think?


  21. You know, every time I show up late to one of these parties, everybody is already drunk. Schiller, Moltz, Mark. I feel like John Bobbit in a cutlery store.

    We’re all figments of my imagination. Well, I am anyway. Anyway I think I am, unless I really don’t have any imagination. That has been suggested from time to time, particularly as regards my penchant for plain chocolate ice cream. If it’s true that I have no imagination, then none of these figments of my imagination can really exist at all.

    Cogito Ergo Spud ( I think therefore I’ll have some more mashed potatoes ).

    I must disagree with Streetrabbit. The problem would be worsened. All those bulges would be a dead giveaway. Our children would be ruined.

  22. Ha! I long suspected the rumours here were, shall we way, slightly *crazy* but this proves it! Apple calls them SLAs (Software License Agreements) not EULAs. Check out Software Update and you’ll see. And Shiller wouldn’t be drinking Jager-bomb; he’s an Absinthe man to the core.

    Bah, I say. Bah! Which is not to be confused with Baaa.

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