New Apple Displays To Be Floating Screens of Teh Awesome!

Apple will unveil new displays next month that sources indicate will be teh totally awesome!

Crazy Apple Rumors Site reporters spoke to a number of individuals who, admittedly, have absolutely no inside information at all. But, if what these sources say is true, the new Apple displays will use startling new anti-gravity technology that will allow it to float at any height for perfect ergonomic placement.

“Apple has perfected a touch-sensitive hardware solution that is a micron thin and is made of anti-protons,” said Gordy, an unemployed 42-year-old who lives with his mother. “Which everyone knows defy gravity.

“Or maybe it’s leptons. Or… anti-leptons… I can’t remember.”

Larry, a 62-year-old greeter at a large national retailer that shall not be named, said “Apple’s new touch-screen interface brings the pure sexual glory that is Multi-touch to the Mac. It’s going to be a totally hot touching experience between man and machine.”

Unfortunately, Larry said that at the front door of Wal-, uh, the retailer, as a group of school children were entering and was immediately fired.

Also, he was stealing. But, you can’t really blame him since he’s 62 and they pay him, like, $5.75 an hour and make him work 80 hours a week.

Well, not anymore because he’s unemployed.

Meanwhile, Rudy, a…

Actually, we don’t have any information on Rudy.

But Rudy said “Apple’s new monitors are going to make sunshine brighter, puppies more prevalent and happy fun spring with flower of technology!

“I really got that off a Japanese t-shirt but I think it’s relevant.”

Apple refused to comment for this story but did not deny that this was all true, so it probably is.

30 thoughts on “New Apple Displays To Be Floating Screens of Teh Awesome!”

  1. I say we crucify Steve Jobs, so that he rise again from the dead and save us all. Oh wait, did we do that once already? Oh well.

  2. Yeah, but will they have wormhole technology?

    ‘Cause it’d be cool to go to another universe and ride in Moya.

    I bet if I fiddle around in Terminal I can come up with the right code.

  3. Wait a minute… CARS has reporters?

    Sheesh, now you’ve gone and ripped a hole in the time/space continuum. Some of the Ubuntu warriors are likely to come through. I hope you’re happy.

  4. I can’t believe Digg got it wrong. It’s a RUMOR site, not HUMOR site. This isn’t CAHS !!! Although an H is really just a bald R not sticking it’s left (which would be my right) leg out.

  5. Yeh, I heard they work horizontally as well, but they switch to World Domination Mode, where all they can display is plots of enemy submarines, incoming/outgoing missile attacks and jet fighter deployments.

    Never trust someone who uses a horizontal monitor.

  6. Looks like Moltz is lowering the bar a bit for sources.(They do seem like the type of people he would hangout with) They also seem to be in general aggreement though.

    The problem with the new displays; no one has built a video card that could run them, unless somebody knows about one in development somewhere.ò

  7. “It’s going to be a totally hot touching experience between man and machine.”

    Sounds like sexbots again. Longest-running rumor ever!

  8. The three dudes–I think they are some of the guys I saw at The Spaghetti Factory in Tacoma last month. They had reserved the conference room for their Puyallup Dude Club meeting. I remember because they were all wearing name tags: Curly, Toby, Gordy, Larry, Rusty, Freddy, Johnny, Rudy, Ricky, Tammy, and Moe. They were very friendly and invited me to join them for lunch, but when I noticed they all had ordered the same Mizithra cheese entree, I had to decline. They were too much like some Moonies I ran into once.

    Anyway, it looks like CARS staffers are leaving no stone unturned in their quest for insightful sources.

  9. I use a horizontal monitor, and I’m trustworthy. It’s monted above my bed, where I can … err … watch videos of … uh … while …


    Yeah, sexbots. They’re in production, but they’re having problems in the factory. Apparently, it’s a giant sexbot orgy in there. Allegedly, they come in five versions, 6″, 9″, 12″ (which comes only in black), D, and DD.

  10. First Doppler shifts, now anti-matter? What next? Radioactive ion beams?

    I swear, it’s like I’m being followed. I can get a restraining order, you know. Or just have my Division Head sign some papers and, um, stuff. You don’t want to go there.

  11. My oh my.

    You jerks.

    You can’t beieve this, can you ?

    It’s only crap !

    You actully can’t design a bitten apple on anything-with)lepton-in-it.

  12. Lepton wears his war wound like a crown….

    I’m kinda pissed that Larry would involved in something like that. He always seemed so normal – for an Alzheimer’s Patient, that is.

    Hey! Do you know the difference between deep fried okra and a medium rare slab of prime rib?

    The prime rib doesn’t look or taste like snot.

    I’ll take Something Narcotic for my attitude, Alex.

  13. John, why is the Sina Tamaddon link pointing back to the CARS website? It’s like an infinite loop of clicking…aaaaeeeeeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!!

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