Apple TV – The Ultimate Review!

You may have read other reviews of the Apple TV, but thou shalt take no others before the Crazy Apple Rumors Ultimate Apple TV Review!

CARS editor-in-chief John Moltz recently spent some time with the Apple TV and here’s his report!

ATV -475 days: A lot of people complained about how long it took them to get their Apple TV, but I actually ordered mine in 2005. Sure, sure, they said “Sir, we can’t take your money for something we don’t make” but I was very insistent and they finally relented. As a matter of fact, I did the same thing the other day and ordered my Apple Sexbot. I highly suggest using this tactic with Apple as they will take your money for all kinds of weird stuff they don’t make. Yet!

ATV -45 minutes: It’s 3:20 PM on Saturday and I’m lying in my underwear on a pile of lime tortilla chips smeared with salsa and guacamole playing a little game I like to call “Johnny, King of Nachos” and I decide to take a break and check the delivery status on my Apple TV. I see it’s out for delivery and decide it’s time to shower and clean up all the chips.

ATV zero hour: The delivery truck is here! The delivery person looks at me funny as I sign for it and I only realize later it’s because I forgot to take the crown off. I unbox the Apple TV.

ATV +60 minutes: Now, many rookies will make the mistake of immediately plugging it in. DO NOT DO THIS. As with any Apple product or fine wine, you should let it breathe for at least an hour. It’s like that thing you’re supposed to do with MacBook batteries. Drain, charge, drain, charge… charge, charge, charge… drain… uh… charge, charge, drain, drain. Or something.

Anyway, letting your Apple TV breathe for an hour will extend its life by at least a year. Totally. This and repairing permissions are guaranteed take-to-the-bank product maintenance tips.

ATV +61 minutes: Now I’m ready to plug it into my 42-inch Samsung HDTV. I go to the box to find the cables.

What the…?

There are no cables.

Well, this is just bullshit. What, am I just supposed to put the component ports up to my eyes and use it like a View-Master?

Oh, wow! What do you know, that works! Awesome!

ATV +2 hours and 5 minutes: I return from the Apple Store will some cables and hook up the unit to my HDTV. I download an episode of Heroes (you know, it’s a really good show) and fire it up!


Holy shit this looks like crap. I mean, I knew it didn’t do HD-quality but this…

Oh, wait, I never peeled the plastic protector film off my HDTV. Huh. I’ve had it for two years and I never noticed that. OK, here we go.

Mmm, nope. Still looks like crap.

ATV +6 hours and 15 minutes: On a hunch, I lick the Apple TV. It tastes of white chocolate and pure Mexican vanilla. Nice touch Apple!

ATV +10 hours and 4 minutes: Can’t sleep. Can’t eat.

The Apple TV has invaded my brain. My soul.

All is lost. I am its plaything. A lump of unformed clay in its electronic touch. I willingly give myself to it, now downloading anything – Boat Trip with Cuba Gooding Jr. – just to bathe in it’s warm glow.

I am cold. So very cold.


Four out of five stars.

36 thoughts on “Apple TV – The Ultimate Review!”

  1. Now John will come on and say that you are the first to post at the exact same time the article posted.

  2. Eh, I don’t see the point of the Apple TV. I’d rather just get a miniature puppet show. I could set up a mirror in front of it so I could watch it even when I’m operating it! That way, you don’t need to worry about fancy HDMI whachamacallits. Nope, just hope your marionettes don’t get all tangled up.

  3. My…

    Wasn’t John already possessed by something else, like…er…the MacBook Amateur ?

    Dis the new possession cure the later; or did they add ?

  4. Now Moltz comes back and realizes that he didn’t finish what he was saying and he should probably finish it sometime soon because some of us may be waiting for the rest of his enlightening words before we can breathe again because our lives revolve around not only Apple but the amazing insight only Moltz can give into that company as if he can see straight into the souls of all his readers to know exactly what they want and need to hear in order to live and be happy in their everyday Apple filled lives.

    Or maybe he’ll realize that if anybody were insane like that they deserve to forget to breathe. Not forever though, just long enough to pass out.


  5. A little note about View-Master: Originally produced by Sawyer’s, their headquarters was in Progress, Oregon, 1.6 miles from where I grew up.

    My brothers and I used to put the reels in backward to get a weird inverted perspective, so that far away things appeared to float in front of closer things. It was the freakadelic fifties, and we were way ahead of the curve. Still works with the current Fisher-Price gizmos, so give it a try.

  6. It doesn’t matter because TV Guide has already determined that it’s actually Wal-Mart’s entry into video downloads that is the “game changer.” As you can clearly see demonstrated here, Wal-Mart downloads don’t even work on your silly Apple toys.

    Apple is about to go bankrupt because they just don’t get it like Wal-Mart does when it comes to digital media. Wal-Mart’s digital music doesn’t play on your goofy iPods either and look where that has left you – with only ONE little music store where you can by iPod songs.

    It’s not just some entertainment reporter over at TV Guide talkin’ about how slick Wal-Mart is either. They had quotes in the article from an industry expert named Rob-something who just so happens to be a principal analyst at Enderle Group. He must be an expert on game changing because only 10 days later he was quoted in another tech article at TechNewsWorld saying that quantum computing is a “game changer.”

    So he must know. About game changing.

  7. I was looking for the photos.

    And I’m not talking about Apple TV either.

    Uhhmmmm… guacamole…

  8. To quote an all time great Movie Character, “It’s sucking my will to live….”.

    AppleTV, the latest gizmo from the same people who brought you the SuckCut.

    aTV, making you appreciate how good your Low Def TV really does look.

    Go away from the light John… away from the light.

  9. “Let it breath”?

    “…bath in it’s warm glow”?

    One out of five stars on spelling.

  10. “I’m lying in my underwear on a pile of lime tortilla chips”

    Hey! I had this as a dream last night. Except instead of John, Jennifer frickin Connelly and instead of the tortilla chips, rats.

  11. Wow, staying up till 2:12 to spell check the web.

    I bet nobody even thanks you either.

    It’s a thankless job Spell Czech.

    But thanks anyway.

  12. Two questions:

    1) Were there any BTO options available when you ordered the sexbot?

    2) Is the one hour breathing period procedure required for sexbots, or is the portable battery charge/discharge procedure recommended instead?

  13. Forget the Apple Sexbot. It’ll just be another pretty-looking, overpriced and underpowered rip off. What’s the point of having a sex-enabled robot live and in person that won’t even play my DivX porn? It probably won’t even come with a gamepad or an HDMI cable. How lame.

    Personally, I just don’t see the need for this device. I can already stream any sex show I want from my Microsoft Ballmer over the airwaves, with not too many jitters. Why would I want to replace that with a physically simulated member of the opposite sex?

    Plus she won’t even play DVDs. So where’s the value? Nobody in their right mind wants a device that just has sex with them. The Apple Sexbot will obviously fail.

  14. John, how much did you have to lay out for your sexbot pre-order, cause I’m sure there is a mathematical relationship between how much someone is willing to pay for a product that is not being produced to how likely Apple will produce said product in the future. I’ve been working on a formula, but would like a real number to plug into it.

  15. what about the gtd software, i asked for a link to it but no-one has provided.

    you geeks are no help here.

    quit all the sexbot talk you zit faced greasy haired coke bottle glasses fat mfers


    nose pickers too


    no washing


    nose hair

  16. Don, nice… ah… timing? “… plus… nose hair” sweet.

    p.s. I’m not fat.

  17. Great. I show up for a fight and a hockey game breaks out.

    I rate the Apple TV five point three red dwarfs out of a possible six point two-nine supernovas. Please, no jokes about short communists or souped-up old Chevrolets.

    Thank you.

    I want to point out that it is not necessarily a sign of being an idiot that don is clueless about punctuation, usage, and grammar. It’s possible that don’s first language is pidgin Esperanto.

    It would be imprudent, however, to rule out the possibility that he is indeed an idiot based on his lack of rudimentary politeness. He either does not understand or does not consider simple manners. The lack of social graces isn’t necessarily a sign of lacking intelligence. Don may just be an asshole.

    I hope that clears things up a bit.

  18. Let’s get the guy from the SuperPost back on and see what he thinks…

  19. Just for the record, the don that posted above is not the GTD Don, as that would be me!

    And, if anyone would like their guacamole done, please let me know…..

  20. of course i’m an ass! and an idiot.

    if i had the gtd software, i wouldn’t be an ass nor an idiot.

    puntuation scmuckuation

    where’s the friggin software????

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