iMacs May Be Delayed.

Apple fans hoping that next months Worldwide Developers Conference would bring new iMacs will be disappointed to learn that their fate is still unknown.

Crazy Apple Rumors Site has learned that new iMacs may delayed because Apple is totally messing with this one guy from Bloomington.

According to sources, new iMacs will not be released until exactly two weeks and one day after 36-year-old Matt Wilson of Bloomington, Minn., buys a current model, whenever that should be.

CEO Steve Jobs, senior vice president of worldwide marketing Phil Schiller and chief operating officer Tim Cook were beside themselves with laughter recounting their treatment of Wilson.

According to Jobs, Apple has been tormenting Wilson since he emailed in April of 2001 to inquire when new iBooks would be shipping.

“I mean, like I’m going to tell this guy!” Jobs said. “I’m Steve Jobs! As if!

“Then he buys a Titanium PowerBook exactly two weeks and one day before we release the new iBook and he’s totally irate!

“So we totally just had to mess with him after that. And we’ve been doing it ever since. USB 2.0 iMac in 2003. Click wheel iPod in 2004. iBook G4 in 2005. What a maroon.”

“And now… now…” Jobs said, barely able to control his amusement. “Now I’ve got my monkeys from the Mall of America store on constant alert, following this guy, and he keeps coming in and asking… [snort]…”

“Stop it!” howled Cook, who was lying on the floor, pounding it with his fist and heaving with laughter.

“Don’t say it again!” Schiller begged, clutching his stomach. “I think my spleen is going to pop!”

“He keeps asking ‘When are the new iMacs coming?’!” Jobs blurted, causing another round of unbridled amusement.

Unfortunately for others waiting for new iMacs, Wilson has had enough.

“I’m totally not budging on this,” said an oblivious but determined Wilson. “No way, man. I mean, I don’t know what force has been working against me lo these past five years… Fate? Maybe it’s fate. Maybe it’s Satan. Or some lesser demon… I don’t know… but I’m going to beat it this time.

“Unless I have to rip some DVDs or something. Because 1 Ghz just isn’t cutting it.”

36 thoughts on “iMacs May Be Delayed.”

  1. And 3rd! I haven’t been leaving comments for a while so I thought I would take two of the top 5 places! Bite me!

  2. Mr. Moltz,

    Please let me take this opportunity to speak for all of your readers who might have an embarrassing spleen “condition.”

    While realizing that your publication is built upon a foundation of a certain type of coarse humor, some might find your insensitivity to the challenges faced by those with problematic internal organs off-putting. Please consider this in your future offerings.


    Ciprean Uquende
    NSC Advocate

  3. The knowledge that future MacBooks will be better than current ones haunts my dreams and nightmares.

  4. Bonus points for using “lo these past [X] years” in a story.

    Rock on, Moltz! You inve- …report on the coolest characters!

  5. Moltz,
    I find your attempt to extract humour from the torturing of one poor soul, resident in Bloomington, extremely distasteful. Your support for these evil persons in Cupertino must cease immediately. I have been reassured by that nice Mr. Gates and equally nice Mr. Dell, that such gags are not intentionally played on their customer base. This form of mental and financial torture is contrary to Human Rights……..I’m sorry, I just can’t carry on…… the poor sucker………oh my aching guts…………..brilliant Moltzy……….but what if it is true……. stop it it’s making my teeth ache………..

  6. I was going to call for a spell czech, then I clicked. Bugs.

    What a maroon I would’ve been!

    Funny and probably true. I give it a 7.

  7. It’s kind of pathetic, but I think this is the same Matt Wilson that I gave some fake deasigner jeans to last year. They were just Lee jeans, but I replaced the label in back with one I made from a similar patch of leather with a logotype that said “Kick Me.” I told him that they were Italian and they didn’t fit me–did he want them? He so totally bought into it that he was actually excited! The last time I saw him he was still wearing them with the label showing proudly. He probably thought the brand was being archly ironic.

  8. Minnesota. It’s about time that wonderful state got a mention on CARS again. And that Mall o’ America store, hate it. Sponge Bob from the little carnival thing has totally taken over. Have you seen the new Sponge Bob iMac? Yellow. Come on! Don’t even get me started on the fricken’ iPod. Click wheel my ass.

  9. TWENTY!

    Oh, and SPLEEN!

    And Ponies. Can’t forget the ponies.

    That’s all.

  10. Bastards. It’s bad enough that I have to live in frigging Minnesota. Do you know what we think of CO2 emissions in Bloomington? Its May and I’m still plugging in the block warmer on the pickup truck. I got your global warming right here. Now Jobs wants to play games with release dates? Come on up here and we’ll talk about Greenpeace and frigging arsenic with a whole different slant if you get my drift.

    Assholes. There. I said it.

  11. Matt, Matt, take a chill pill dude. Look outside, it’s going to be 81 and sunny today in the Twin fricking cities. All the U of M babes will be laying out in the sun trying to get rid of their winter butt-skin look. Make sure you have you shades on, looking at something that white in the sun can blind you.

    By the way we need you to buy a new iMac, you gotta take one for the team here bro. We need you, and karma will watch your back man, trust me.

  12. Hahahaha! What a gyp!

    Oh my, now I understand whenever anything is late. Matt must have been still waiting to upgrade to Tiger, that’s why Leopard was delayed.

  13. “…karma will watch your back man, trust me.”

    ‘Course, the rest of us will be watching your butt with that silly “Kick Me” label on it, and laughing behind your back.

  14. Matt Wilson, my eye! It’s ME Apple’s messin’ with. They’ve been doing this since the days of the Apple //e Enhanced — the one with the 65C02 and the new ROM.

    Well, they can just forget it this time. I said I’m never buying a Mac with an Intel CPU, and I meant it.

    Talk to me two weeks and one day before you release a G6 Mac.

  15. Any article that mentions Satan is OK in my book. Especially when it’s attributing human actions to him.

    Like Satan has nothing better to do than to mess with some putz from Minnesota. I’m sure he has plenty of time on his hands, running Hell is an easy job you know!

    It’s keeping me out that’s hard for him.

  16. I’m about to vent my spleen with regard to installing 9.3 on this Power Mac 9600/350. I keep getting this error about Stupendous System Morsels…

    By the time I get this done, that guy in Minnesota may well have bought a new iMac.

  17. Mental Note: Putting lotion all over your body BEFORE taking a shower is a bad idea.

    On another note: Ha.

  18. I am so tired of this kind of crap from Apple. This just settles it. I’m going down to Radio Shack right now and I’m going to buy that piece of shit in the middle of the store with the sorry-ass CRT and the nasty kiosk-web site. Is it an HP? I don’t even know. I sure hope it has Vista on it because if I’m going to have a suck-ass computer I want it to have the latest suck-ass OS on it. Then I’m going to sit and play Eve Online until both butt cheeks rot off.

    Either that or I’ll just have another beer.

    The beer is a lot cheaper.

    Yo! Sweetcheeks! One more here.

  19. Putting watermelon/peach lotion all over your body is also a bad idea right after a shower if you’re on your way to interview for a job as a bouncer. And do NOT wear the pink chiffon blouse.

    Hey. I’m not saying…. I’m just saying….

  20. maroon? Marooon?! MAROON?!?!!!!!


    Whew. Got that out of my system.

  21. I think the hardware delays are part of a plot to get us all to go the the low-end Mac Pro, which is more competitively priced without a hardware update.

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