Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Q: I’m thinking about getting an iPhone when they come out but I’m confused about some of the stuff they showed in the commercial. For instance, how does the iPhone do positioning?
A: Well, I hear it has a built-in GPS.
Q: No, no, no. That’s in rev. 2 which is coming in July. What I heard was that the initial unit uses the cell towers to figure out where you are.
A: That’s crazy talk. My brother says that it takes the picture on your user account, uses a heuristic algorithm to find your face in Google Maps zoom feature and then uses that to pinpoint your location.
Q: You are just recklessly repeating spurious rumors. My understanding is that AT&T is going to tag each customer with a chip so they can identify them. Like the dogs they are.
A: Pshaw. You’re having feverish nightmares. It’s a simple fact that Apple has tiny little people that live inside the products they sell us and report back on our every movement. That’s how they make stuff we can’t help but buy and that’s how they’re going to know where we are.
Q: Hmm. Yeah, OK, you’re probably right about that one.
A: Yeah, it just feels right, doesn’t it?

Q: After enjoying my iPod so much and hearing such great things about the Mac from my Mac-using friends, I finally broke down and bought myself a MacBook a couple of months ago. I have been really disappointed.
A: Oh, really? Well, what is it you’re trying to do with your MacBook?
Q: I’m just trying to get a sense of satisfaction, you know? A good user experience? And so far it’s been sadly lacking.
A: OK, well…
Q: And I tried to take it back to the Apple Store and they wouldn’t take it back!
A: Is it not…
Q: I just think that’s totally unacceptable! Here Apple markets its products as easy-to-use and providing a richer computing environment and when their products fail to deliver, they refuse to take responsibility!
A: Did you…
Q: And it’s not me! I mean, I have to tell you, I pressed my genitals up against this machine night after night and it was not in the least bit erotic!
A: You pressed your…
Q: My genitals. What else would I press up against it? I know a lot of people say they love their Macs, but I’m just not feelin’ it.
A: Uh… well, OK. OK. I can play this game. Maybe you just didn’t press them up against it hard enough.
Q: Hmm. Well, I’ll go back and try again, but I was pressing pretty hard.
A: Just, you know, give it the old college try.
Q: I shall endeavor to press my genitals up against my MacBook extremely hard!
A: That’s great. That’s… yeah. It’s days like this that make it worth coming to work.

Q: I just read that last question and I am totally offended.
A: Oh, hey, I know. We get that a lot. Uh, just last week as a matter of fact. Hmm. But, listen, he’s gone. He’s not coming back.
Q: What? No! I’m not offended by the caller! I’m offended by your snide and condescending attitude toward him!
A: Oookay.
Q: Listen, the expression of love between a man and his computer is a beautiful thing.
A: He wasn’t expressing love. He was rubbing his junk on it.
Q: …
A: Uh, yeah.
Q: OK, well, I’ll just leave a pamphlet for our organization – the North American Man/Mac Love Association – and be on my way.
A: Oooh, no you don’t. Take that thing with you.