Suspects Wanted In Apple Store Break-In.

Seattle police have two suspects in their sights for the break-in Wednesday morning at an Apple Store in Seattle at the company’s University Village branch: Rob Enderle and George Ou.

The soi-disant analyst and security expert were spotted on University Way North – known as “The Ave” – just a couple miles from the mall, near the usual assortment of street kids and homeless people, hawking Apple laptops out of a canvas bag.

“Five dollah, five dollah, five dollah,” Ou was heard to call.

When police approached the pair, they stuffed the computers back in the bag, and ran off surprisingly fast, eluding arrest. “We know what they look like,” Seattle Police spokesperson Marcia Graystone said. “For some inexplicable reason, their pictures are already all over the Web. Apple has also agreed to loan us several black helicopters with white Apple logos to continue the search.”

While the motivation for the theft are unclear, Daring Fireball‘s John Gruber said that he suspected Ou and Enderle were trying to create a lower-priced secondary market for Macs to drag Apple’s stock down.

“They might also have been aiming for iPhones, but didn’t recognize the boxes, having never seen or touched an iPhone, much like fairy hunters never having seen a fairy,” Gruber said.

“Also, they are both enormous dicks, and anything they do must be seen in that light.”

Matt Deatherage of MDJ, a frequently published analytical journal, added that Ou and Enderle might have been trying to suggest that Apple products were insecure, and had become confused about the difference between system security and physical security of an Apple Store.

“They’re so totally uninformed about the Mac and iPhone platforms that this kind of mistake was inevitable,” Deatherage noted.

Seattle Police expect that Ou and Enderle will next hit the What The Fuck Mac Store located near the site of their attempted computer resale.

Apple stock was up $1.23 on the news and the company said all laptop owners whose computers were stolen by Ou and Enderle will receive either a free pony or an evil goat – their choice.

34 thoughts on “Suspects Wanted In Apple Store Break-In.”

  1. The black Apple helicopters are a ripoff. You can upgrade the white helicopters to the same specifications as the black helicopters and the total will be $150 less.

  2. I’d prefer a brushed metal helicopter with a black, or better yet a rainbow Apple logo.

  3. That’s a nice article and I guess everyone like the 1.23 stock increase (too bad I don’t have any).]
    I wonder when will the police find the real burglars? Not too soon I guess.

  4. Number NINE!

    Moltz, You’re freaking me out! Why are you up in the daytime?? Aren’t you supposed to turn to dust or something if you aren’t in your crypt before dawn?


  5. Oh yeah… My laptop wasn’t stolen, but may I please have a pony anyway? I have a big yard and I promise that I’ll pick up after it…

    Really!… I promise!

  6. That’s libel, that is. Ok, so I /may/ have accidentally slipped into the Apple store (it should have been firewalled), and I /may/ have accidentally forgotten about the couple of MacBooks I accidentally slipped into my bag, but I was not (repeat NOT) accompanied by Enderle. At least I didn’t want to be.

    When I got to the store, I found Enderle already inside. He was just standing there, looking around. It happens quite a bit, I found out afterwards–he’ll wander into Apple stores all disoriented asking where the Dells, HPs, and Packard Bells are. Clerks try explaining that the store only sells Apple computers, but he doesn’t seem to understand. Eventually, he concludes that the latest shipment hasn’t arrived yet and stands by the door waiting. Often, he’s left for days, unnoticed by workers as they leave the store. They usually mistake him for the pile of coats and sleeping bags left behind by the last lot of young early adopters who cued up for nights awaiting Apple’s latest product release.

    After that, Enderle just started following me around. It was really creepy. I eventually managed to ditch him when he got distracted by a 24/7 Best Buy.

    I’d appreciate it if you modified your story to emphasize the fact that I didn’t want Enderle around, and he just kept following me. Otherwise, expect a note from my lawyers.

  7. “but didn’t recognize the boxes, having never seen or touched an iPhone”

    Oh, SNAP!

    Thing is, I could totally see Gruber saying this, giant cranky-pants that he can sometimes be. :-]

  8. Woah! Very unpleasant mis-read of ‘have enormous dicks’ rather than ‘are enormous dicks’.

    The question as to how Moltz would know unfortunately arrived before the correct re-read.

    Now my imagination is screwed. And yes, I wish I hadn’t used that word.

    And precisely why *is* Moltz posting when he’s supposed to be saving the world/multiverse/entity etc. etc., hmmm? Focus, man…

  9. So, the ponies are free, but the evil goats aren’t?

    Unfortunately for the perps, just having one’s mitts on a Mac doesn’t automatically confer respect.

  10. What a great week. David Pogue, George Ou, Rob Enderle (twice) all getting the CARS bitch treatment.

    You have to start using real people for quotes though. Deatherage and Gruber are so made up names.

  11. Why do the helicopters have Apple logos on them?
    Wouldn’t everybody want one then?
    Or will people be so stunned by the beauty of an Apple-branded killing machine that they won’t expect it when the bullets start flying?

    For some reason, I am suddenly wary of an Apple-branded lesbian ninja sexbot. But I’m willing to take my chances.

  12. John,
    You should be saving your strength for The Entity Hunt and the Help Desk. As Carbonfish points out, daylight is not your best friend and your dentist is worried about your biting teeth. Please take care.

  13. Geez. By the time I read all the comments I forget what the hell the post was about. I’m not scrolling all the way back up there. Especially if there are hawks with enormous dicks and canvas bags, or something.

    I thought Ou and Enderle only came to Redmond for buckets of Kool-Aid.

  14. Seattle? They must be in town for the Penny Arcade Expo… the same expo that the Roosterteeth guys are gonna be at… in the same state as Microsuck… methinks some anti-Apple conspiracy is going down in Seattle soon

  15. Soi-disant? Would that make him some kind of organic enormous dick?

    And what if I wanted an Evil Ponyâ„¢ instead?

  16. I’ll take an evil goat, thanks!

    I’ve always been of the belief that guys who are enormous dicks are compensating for their actual lack in the, um… enormity department, if you know what I mean.

    Oh, forget it, I’ll take the free pony instead.

  17. I’ll take an evil goat, they taste great Bar-B-Qued, ya know, we have labor day coming.

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